It's the September full moon and I can't help but remember the way the full moon reflected in the ocean on a particular full moon September midnight. My friend had barely made it in time to drive us to the hospital for the birth of my daughter. I had no idea whose car we were in. And even though my contractions were very close together, she decided to take the long way along the bay. Then I saw the moon, that soothing glow, and everything felt right. That was 23 years ago and

Coaching moms of teenagers and young adults, I hear a lot of different understandings of what boundaries are, how to uphold them, how to communicate them and how they impact relationships. “I should be stronger.” “I’ve got to stop apologizing.” “I’m firm at first and then I start wavering.” For sure, firmness is part of the equation but this, on its own, won’t result in boundaries that work the way you want them to. The essential ingredient is that exploring the sources of yo

Stephanie emailed me: “Raising my 17-year-old son feels like living on a pendulum. In one moment, I’m acting like my old ballet instructor, rigid and stern, correcting every misstep, expecting more and more and training him to his full potential (at least my version of it). A few hours later, I can sit back and observe his choices, say nothing and trust that he’s learning what he needs to learn. I’m pulled back and forth… I feel mired in contradictions.” What I know to be tru

It won’t surprise you that many of my clients, moms of teenagers and young adults, arrive saying, “I just want a quieter brain.” They describe their inner dialogue as looping records, inner committees that never adjourn or a swarm of constantly buzzing bees. And they listen all day and half the night to those anxious thoughts: “Don’t forget the…, what if my kid does this..., I shouldn’t have… I have to...” Always rehashing what was said, prepping for the next conversation an

One of the most stifling sentences in the English language is “This is just who I am.” I'm not referring to when someone is expressing their self-acceptance. I'm talking about when it's said in a way that's backing up a belief that you’re stuck. That your identity, the cards you were dealt, the Real You, is unchangeable. And that’s simply not true. We are, each of us, evolving creatures, unfolding souls. Whether you're into psychology, Zen, magic or brain science, you’ll know

Here’s how Pamela put it when we first met: “It doesn’t matter what I say, he always says the opposite. He contradicts me even when we both know I’m right and he says radical things just to enflame me. It’s so irritating. It pushes my buttons and I DO get enflamed. And then the conversation, which was a simple thing, turns into a big clash, yelling, accusations, hurt feelings... all of it.” If you’re raising teenagers, you’ve most likely faced a kid who is consistently contr

Learning to be with what is is no small feat. It’s an ongoing process of noticing when I’m making events mean something about me - that I screwed up, don’t belong, don’t deserve… Noticing when I’m making situations mean that I should have foreseen something… Noticing when I’m striving to make things go a certain way, make people see it the way I’m seeing it. In short, striving to control one aspect of life or another. I’m gradually developing my ability to meet the truth of

You see that look in your daughter’s eye and you brace yourself. Your chest tightens. You recite your intention to stay calm beneath your breath. And then she does it – that one thing that pushes your buttons and sets the whole issue ablaze again… makes that infuriating comment or those gestures that hit you in the gut. Things would be so much better if she would just STOP DOING THAT. So many fights would be avoided. So many hurt feelings… Part of you thinks, maybe if you caj

The greatest illusion in motherhood is that you know what you're doing. Just when the baby seems to be sleeping from midnight to 4 am, the pattern shifts. Just when your 7 y/o understands the importance of a bedtime, they rebel against it. Just when you feel close with your 11 y/o, they turn into a snarky teenager who treats you like the plague. And all along, you've been finding patterns and making maps. If sending them to bed at 8 gets them to sleep by 9 and gives you some

“Go ahead,” the facilitator said, “Let that inner voice speak out loud.” And I froze. Literally. My body went cold, my limbs vanished. Holy shit. How could I let another person hear how that voice talks to me? I was in a coach training program learning more about the types of inner saboteurs. I’d done plenty of this work, both personally and professionally, and had a pretty solid awareness of my inner dialogue... But, let it out into a room of strangers? What would they thin

OK, let’s have a show of hands: Who has asked their teenager how their day was and gotten nothing, maybe a mumbled “ok” or a shrug before they disappeared to their room? Hmm, all of us. Ok, next question: Who stood there feeling hurt, disappointed, annoyed or rejected? Inner voices saying something like, " Wow, you can’t even be civil?... They really don’t want anything to do with me anymore... C’mon, I’m trying, give me a break... I don’t deserve to be treated like this... D

There’s no way to effectively support your young adult child if you’re living in their emotional world and not grounded in yours. I know that’s hard for many moms to hear. That’s because we’ve gotten confused about what it means to want our kids to be happy. We used to cry when we saw their toddler tears and we got outraged on their behalf when their elementary school friends ditched them. We got used to feeling what they’re feeling, in our natural biological quest to ensure

Maybe there are mothers on the planet who have never felt this kind of pain in their parenting. But I haven’t met them. For most of us in this stage of parenting teens and young adults, we’ve felt it. But we might not have put a word to it. Might not have called it agony, distress or anguish. And that’s because it’s a kind of suffering that doesn’t happen all at once. Gradually, your kid becomes quieter around you. One word answers. Conversations that stay safely at the surf

My 22 y/o has been taking a year off from university and living with me this past winter. One of their little pleasures is going to the beach and collecting sea glass, and I’ve kind of gotten into it too. There’s something relaxing about digging down through the rocks, layer by layer, to the gravel and sand. Your fingers are wet and dirty, and cold. You wonder if this is the right place, if it’s worth digging. And then… a little glint catches your eye. The twinge of excitemen

I was standing at the side of the soccer field on a warm evening, chatting with a friend and watching my 14 yo son's game. And then I saw it - that thing he would do - a moment when he could see a clear path to the net. He hit the gas and went for it in a burst of speed and determination. After the game, I said, “It amazes me how you can see the path down the field through all the players” and his reply surprised me: “I saw it from above, mom, like a chess board.” I offer thi

I have excellent hearing - which is both a blessing and a curse. I can hear the little birds way up in the tress and the music playing in the park down the road, but I can also hear every single barking dog and squealing tire. I can hear people talking from a greater distance than most, which makes it very difficult to concentrate on one conversation in a restaurant. It used to be hard for me to stay present when there's shouting because it was so amplified for me, and that

After 30 years on my path of personal evolution and the last 12 years developing my skills as a personal coach, it’s crystal-clear to me that most of us need coaches. We need a coach when the terrain is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. When the pain points are different from what we’d hoped. When the hurdles seem far off... until you hit them, and you’re thrown into something that feels like it’s way above your skillset. And this is especially true when you’re moving toward a di

If you’ve ever set a boundary with your teenager, only to have it ignored or contested, this article is for you. It goes like this: You tell them you’re willing for them to take the car as long as they’re home by 9:30 pm. You tell them about 1o times and listen for some sound of acknowledgement. And then, it’s quarter to 10 and there’s no sign of her. 10 o’clock… Ten past… Your stress level creeps up around your ears. You tell yourself you’re being disrespected and wonder whe

I was tense, there’s no doubt about it. And drained. It had been a long day, filled with unexpected demands. My neck was as stiff as an old hinge on a gate that hasn’t been opened for 10 years. Then my daughter said it. It wasn’t a big deal but, in that moment, everything I knew about staying grounded went out the window. My tools? Gone. That deep breath? Forgotten. That reconnecting my feet with the earth? Nowhere. And then I reacted - assuming instead of listening, sniping

It was a warm evening in May, full of loons and leaves chattering the promise of summer, when Monica went into her bedroom and exhaled. Well, actually, it was more of a rattle that seemed to come from the core of her being. "What was I tense about?", she wondered, as she scanned her day… Then she remembered and her shoulders started to rise. Her son had called earlier, loud and upset, and its force had invaded her otherwise calm day. For the entire rest of the day. And you?

This week, I watched the crocuses in my garden lose some of their colour and start to lean over a little and, at the same time, the tiny buds on the primulas gathered their courage and began to unfurl and expose their bright petals one by one. I get to watch a similar process in the mothers I guide through their parenting maze. An overwhelmed, overreactive part of them quietens, lets go and fades into the background while, simultaneously, a steady, calm, intentional part of

You could have sworn that you were just reading a book and breathing normally. But all of a sudden, your teenager is emanating ick vibes and sighing, “Do you have to breath like that? It’s so weird.” Sheesh! Teens get soooo frustrated with their parents’ everyday behaviours. They act like your very presence is unbearable and make snide comments on your complete lack of style, capability, intelligence, etc. They refuse to be seen with you in public, or to be in your presence a

My 22 yo is a painter so, lucky me, I get to watch their sketches turn into fascinating layers of colour, light , depth and texture and gradually become beautiful landscapes. It amazes me how a few pencil lines become a field of wildflowers in the mountains. And as I witness this process, I see a metaphor for how we get to know other people – including our teens and young adult children – layer by layer. When we choose to take the time to really understand what another perso

I hear this a lot from parents: "I have to remind him 15 times. And each time I repeat it, my tone gets angrier and angrier. And I know that deters him from listening." "Even when I'm making eye contact with her and she' nods her head, she's not really taking in what I'm saying to her." "He listens, but with so much resentment. Like I'm stupid or unreasonable and he wishes he never had to listen to me again." "I can almost feel a barrier deflecting my words." Your teenager is