I was tense, there’s no doubt about it. And drained. It had been a long day, filled with unexpected demands. My neck was as stiff as an old hinge on a gate that hasn’t been opened for 10 years. Then my daughter said it. It wasn’t a big deal but, in that moment, everything I knew about staying grounded went out the window. My tools? Gone. That deep breath? Forgotten. That reconnecting my feet with the earth? Nowhere. And then I reacted - assuming instead of listening, sniping

It was a warm evening in May, full of loons and leaves chattering the promise of summer, when Monica went into her bedroom and exhaled.  Well, actually, it was more of a rattle that seemed to come from the core of her being. "What was I tense about?", she wondered, as she scanned her day… Then she remembered and her shoulders started to rise. Her son had called earlier, loud and upset, and its force had invaded her otherwise calm day. For the entire rest of the day. And you?

This week, I watched the crocuses in my garden lose some of their colour and start to lean over a little and, at the same time, the tiny buds on the primulas gathered their courage and began to unfurl and expose their bright petals one by one. I get to watch a similar process in the mothers I guide through their parenting maze. An  overwhelmed, overreactive part of them quietens, lets go and fades into the background while, simultaneously, a steady, calm, intentional part of

You could have sworn that you were just reading a book and breathing normally. But all of a sudden, your teenager is emanating ick vibes and sighing, “Do you have to breath like that? It’s so weird.” Sheesh! Teens get soooo frustrated with their parents’ everyday behaviours. They act like your very presence is unbearable and make snide comments on your complete lack of style, capability, intelligence, etc. They refuse to be seen with you in public, or to be in your presence a

My 22 yo is a painter so, lucky me, I get to watch their sketches turn into fascinating layers of colour, light , depth and texture and gradually  become beautiful landscapes. It amazes me how a few pencil lines become a field of wildflowers in the mountains. And as I witness this process, I see a metaphor for how we get to know other people – including our teens and young adult children – layer by layer. When we choose to take the time to really understand what another perso

I hear this a lot from parents: "I have to remind him 15 times. And each time I repeat it, my tone gets angrier and angrier. And I know that deters him from listening." "Even when I'm making eye contact with her and she' nods her head, she's not really taking in what I'm saying to her." "He listens, but with so much resentment. Like I'm stupid or unreasonable and he wishes he never had to listen to me again." "I can almost feel a barrier deflecting my words." Your teenager is

Did you know that the Inuit have 52 words for snow? It had me wondering how many words we have for gratitude. It turns out there aren't that many: thankfulness, appreciation, blessed... I was kind of disappointed. If you can think of more, please share them with me. Then I started wondering how many different kinds of gratitude I feel and that produced more insight: I feel a constant, bone-deep gratitude for getting to be a mother. Because it wasn't a given for me. When I was

This is my 200th article for parents of teens! Two hundred?  Whoa! Really? (I counted again.) Yes, really. I'm amazed because, when I decided to start writing, I wondered if I'd have enough to say and enough ways to offer support. Turns out I do. And with each new parent I coach, I have more stories and ideas I want to share with you. I'm also amazed because I started out with an audience of six people and now that number is inching toward 400. I know those six people are rea

Lina’s son gets out of the car, wearing the rumpled clothes he found on his bedroom floor, his open backpack dragging behind him. It’s been a rough morning and she’s just happy that he found his stuff and got to the car on time so neither of them would be late. But as she watches him heading toward the school, a jolt goes through her and suddenly she feels intensely conscious of the other parents in the drop-off area. She feels kind of sick to her stomach. “I should have insi

For the past two weeks, we’ve been loosening the grip of an outdated conditional belief that incites your anger or fear and has you doing that auto-pilot thing that always makes it worse with your teenager or young adult child and causes more distance between you. Week 1, you identified one conditional belief that seems to be driving your behavior. Week 2, you tapped into a vision of how you could experience that situation differently. It likely feels like a far-off vision to

I recently received some unexpected news that will have a significant impact on my life. I was really afraid. My heart rate went up and my stomach clenched so tightly I cried out. Hours later, I still felt the fear. When I brushed my teeth, when I laid down in bed… there it was. Or was it fear? Research shows that emotions only last 90 seconds. During those 90 seconds, neurochemicals flood through our systems and then are completely flushed out of the bloodstream. So, why was

I spend a lot of time with overwhelmed moms of teenagers and young adults. And here's what I know for sure:  These things WON’T make you feel calmer or more connected with your teenager: Wait for it to pass Blame it on them Blame it on yourself Try to fix their problems, try to fix them Walk on eggshells 24/7 Ruminate, spin, agonize, replay it a hundred times Lecture, criticize, punish, coerce Micro-manage, nag, control Absorb their feelings Beg, cajole, bribe Lay awake devis

It breaks my heart when I meet parents who have gone to workshops and, despite some great insights, didn’t experience any real changes afterwards in their day-to-day life. They still got triggered in the same kinds of situations with their teenager, they still had the same voices running in their heads and they still fell into their old reactions. Because insight and self-awareness only take you part of the way toward becoming a grounded parent. And today I want to talk about

Today’s article is for every parent who has ever unintentionally matched their teenager’s emotions.  “It's like I absorb her tension.” “He was really anxious and, within one second, I was anxious too. “I feel like their moods are steering me.” “Just knowing how hurt she was, I could feel myself sinking down into where she was.” There's no denying that pang of motherhood. We felt it when their first cries had our breasts aching and when we saw our toddler’s big tears when some

There's an old saying that parents should choose their battles and, while I abhor the war references, I know we've all made these kinds of choices. Especially when our kids are so certain in their opinions (as long as they’re contrary to ours), so quick to become loud and defensive or collapse into hurt, so governed by their changing brains and bodies, we wonder time and again whether we should bring something up or just let it go. Obviously, we can't discuss every single one

Uncertainty is hard. I think this is our system’s worst nightmare: not fully knowing what's going on, not knowing what someone really means, or not knowing what's going to happen. Our brains really don’t like unknowns so they fill in the blanks as best they can, trying to create a picture that feels clearer and, therefore, safer.  And this is a great feature when you're driving and you see someone up ahead of you hitting the brakes. You don’t know exactly what's going on but

We’ve all been there: You state your boundary and they instantly push back. They bombard you with questions and objections like a lawyer,...

Are you starting to feel overwhelmed? Is your head filling with tasks to accomplish, social engagements, travel plans, financial pressures, amped up family dynamics…? Can you feel the tension building in your neck, your temples or your belly? While the holidays are beautiful in so many ways, they sweep us into an unnatural velocity and present many stressors on our nervous systems. It’s no wonder so many parents get burnt out and, instead of enjoying the holidays, find themse

Sometimes things get mixed up that aren't supposed to get mixed up. Your white T-shirt comes out of the laundry pink. The tomato sauce runs into the salad.   I want to use these metaphors to consider some tricky aspects of parenting young adults. Like when you feel like you're losing yourself in the washing machine of your relationship with your young adult child and coming out a different colour than you intended. Or when you’re the lettuce on the plate being controlled and

Your hands are full of so much strength and grace. Expressing emotions, emphasizing your words, rubbing lotion into your skin, stroking your child’s hair and touching all the wonders of the natural world. They reach for our dreams and hold onto what’s dear to our hearts. In so many cultures, hand movements facilitate the flow of energy and tell the stories of the land they live on, like Hindu mudras and the Hawaiian hulas. Picture your ancestors dancing around the bonfires lo

In my  last article , we considered what’s really happening when our almost-adult kids complain: what’s happening in them and what’s happening in us. I received a couple of comments and questions that I want to address. From Layne: This was really helpful, Lori. I could see myself 100% giving lectures on how they should show more respect and be grateful. My parents did it to me and my brother all the time and I don’t want to be like that. But I only realize I’ve done it after

Listening to a teenager complain for 20 minutes is tough. And listening to them complain every... single... day... is even tougher. It grates on your nerves and douses the flame of your otherwise enjoyable day. Oh please, not again. You feel a headache coming on before they get to their fourth sentence.  Or you see them coming and duck into the laundry room to avoid hearing any more of it. And when they go on and on for hours and hours (or days and days), you feel like you

Photo by Felix Mittermeier on Unsplash I loathe the phrase midlife crisis . “Oh, she’s falling apart, letting herself go, not handling the myriad, excruciating, unrealistic pressures put on her by the women-can-do-it-all construct that says that, since she can do it all, she should do it all: excel at her job, raise a happy, well-adjusted family, be a great partner, a community contributor, and do it all with grace, good looks and good honour.” I reject that 100%. Because mi

“Oh God how I hate saying this out loud, but sometimes I really resent my teenager.” I could feel the raw truth of her statement. And the courage. Because we're not supposed to resent our kids. We’re not supposed to have hard feelings toward them or turn away from their energy. We’re supposed to feel unending warmth and benevolence toward them. But we do feel resentment sometimes.   At least, I sure do. You can catch me harumphing around, offended and blaming.  And I’ve learn