“Go ahead,” the facilitator said, “Let that inner voice speak out loud.” And I froze. Literally. My body went cold, my limbs vanished. Holy shit. How could I let another person hear how that voice talks to me? I was in a coach training program learning more about the types of inner saboteurs. I’d done plenty of this work, both personally and professionally, and had a pretty solid awareness of my inner dialogue... But, let it out into a room of strangers? What would they thin

OK, let’s have a show of hands: Who has asked their teenager how their day was and gotten nothing, maybe a mumbled “ok” or a shrug before they disappeared to their room? Hmm, all of us. Ok, next question: Who stood there feeling hurt, disappointed, annoyed or rejected? Inner voices saying something like, " Wow, you can’t even be civil?... They really don’t want anything to do with me anymore... C’mon, I’m trying, give me a break... I don’t deserve to be treated like this... D

There’s no way to effectively support your young adult child if you’re living in their emotional world and not grounded in yours. I know that’s hard for many moms to hear. That’s because we’ve gotten confused about what it means to want our kids to be happy. We used to cry when we saw their toddler tears and we got outraged on their behalf when their elementary school friends ditched them. We got used to feeling what they’re feeling, in our natural biological quest to ensure

Maybe there are mothers on the planet who have never felt this kind of pain in their parenting. But I haven’t met them. For most of us in this stage of parenting teens and young adults, we’ve felt it. But we might not have put a word to it. Might not have called it agony, distress or anguish. And that’s because it’s a kind of suffering that doesn’t happen all at once. Gradually, your kid becomes quieter around you. One word answers. Conversations that stay safely at the surf

My 22 y/o has been taking a year off from university and living with me this past winter. One of their little pleasures is going to the beach and collecting sea glass, and I’ve kind of gotten into it too. There’s something relaxing about digging down through the rocks, layer by layer, to the gravel and sand. Your fingers are wet and dirty, and cold. You wonder if this is the right place, if it’s worth digging. And then… a little glint catches your eye. The twinge of excitemen

I was standing at the side of the soccer field on a warm evening, chatting with a friend and watching my 14 yo son's game. And then I saw it - that thing he would do - a moment when he could see a clear path to the net. He hit the gas and went for it in a burst of speed and determination. After the game, I said, “It amazes me how you can see the path down the field through all the players” and his reply surprised me: “I saw it from above, mom, like a chess board.” I offer thi

I have excellent hearing - which is both a blessing and a curse. I can hear the little birds way up in the tress and the music playing in the park down the road, but I can also hear every single barking dog and squealing tire. I can hear people talking from a greater distance than most, which makes it very difficult to concentrate on one conversation in a restaurant. It used to be hard for me to stay present when there's shouting because it was so amplified for me, and that

After 30 years on my path of personal evolution and the last 12 years developing my skills as a personal coach, it’s crystal-clear to me that most of us need coaches. We need a coach when the terrain is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. When the pain points are different from what we’d hoped. When the hurdles seem far off... until you hit them, and you’re thrown into something that feels like it’s way above your skillset. And this is especially true when you’re moving toward a di

If you’ve ever set a boundary with your teenager, only to have it ignored or contested, this article is for you. It goes like this: You tell them you’re willing for them to take the car as long as they’re home by 9:30 pm. You tell them about 1o times and listen for some sound of acknowledgement. And then, it’s quarter to 10 and there’s no sign of her. 10 o’clock… Ten past… Your stress level creeps up around your ears. You tell yourself you’re being disrespected and wonder whe

I was tense, there’s no doubt about it. And drained. It had been a long day, filled with unexpected demands. My neck was as stiff as an old hinge on a gate that hasn’t been opened for 10 years. Then my daughter said it. It wasn’t a big deal but, in that moment, everything I knew about staying grounded went out the window. My tools? Gone. That deep breath? Forgotten. That reconnecting my feet with the earth? Nowhere. And then I reacted - assuming instead of listening, sniping

It was a warm evening in May, full of loons and leaves chattering the promise of summer, when Monica went into her bedroom and exhaled. Well, actually, it was more of a rattle that seemed to come from the core of her being. "What was I tense about?", she wondered, as she scanned her day… Then she remembered and her shoulders started to rise. Her son had called earlier, loud and upset, and its force had invaded her otherwise calm day. For the entire rest of the day. And you?

This week, I watched the crocuses in my garden lose some of their colour and start to lean over a little and, at the same time, the tiny buds on the primulas gathered their courage and began to unfurl and expose their bright petals one by one. I get to watch a similar process in the mothers I guide through their parenting maze. An overwhelmed, overreactive part of them quietens, lets go and fades into the background while, simultaneously, a steady, calm, intentional part of

You could have sworn that you were just reading a book and breathing normally. But all of a sudden, your teenager is emanating ick vibes and sighing, “Do you have to breath like that? It’s so weird.” Sheesh! Teens get soooo frustrated with their parents’ everyday behaviours. They act like your very presence is unbearable and make snide comments on your complete lack of style, capability, intelligence, etc. They refuse to be seen with you in public, or to be in your presence a

My 22 yo is a painter so, lucky me, I get to watch their sketches turn into fascinating layers of colour, light , depth and texture and gradually become beautiful landscapes. It amazes me how a few pencil lines become a field of wildflowers in the mountains. And as I witness this process, I see a metaphor for how we get to know other people – including our teens and young adult children – layer by layer. When we choose to take the time to really understand what another perso

I hear this a lot from parents: "I have to remind him 15 times. And each time I repeat it, my tone gets angrier and angrier. And I know that deters him from listening." "Even when I'm making eye contact with her and she' nods her head, she's not really taking in what I'm saying to her." "He listens, but with so much resentment. Like I'm stupid or unreasonable and he wishes he never had to listen to me again." "I can almost feel a barrier deflecting my words." Your teenager is

Did you know that the Inuit have 52 words for snow? It had me wondering how many words we have for gratitude. It turns out there aren't that many: thankfulness, appreciation, blessed... I was kind of disappointed. If you can think of more, please share them with me. Then I started wondering how many different kinds of gratitude I feel and that produced more insight: I feel a constant, bone-deep gratitude for getting to be a mother. Because it wasn't a given for me. When I was

This is my 200th article for parents of teens! Two hundred? Whoa! Really? (I counted again.) Yes, really. I'm amazed because, when I decided to start writing, I wondered if I'd have enough to say and enough ways to offer support. Turns out I do. And with each new parent I coach, I have more stories and ideas I want to share with you. I'm also amazed because I started out with an audience of six people and now that number is inching toward 400. I know those six people are rea

Lina’s son gets out of the car, wearing the rumpled clothes he found on his bedroom floor, his open backpack dragging behind him. It’s been a rough morning and she’s just happy that he found his stuff and got to the car on time so neither of them would be late. But as she watches him heading toward the school, a jolt goes through her and suddenly she feels intensely conscious of the other parents in the drop-off area. She feels kind of sick to her stomach. “I should have insi

For the past two weeks, we’ve been loosening the grip of an outdated conditional belief that incites your anger or fear and has you doing that auto-pilot thing that always makes it worse with your teenager or young adult child and causes more distance between you. Week 1, you identified one conditional belief that seems to be driving your behavior. Week 2, you tapped into a vision of how you could experience that situation differently. It likely feels like a far-off vision to

I recently received some unexpected news that will have a significant impact on my life. I was really afraid. My heart rate went up and my stomach clenched so tightly I cried out. Hours later, I still felt the fear. When I brushed my teeth, when I laid down in bed… there it was. Or was it fear? Research shows that emotions only last 90 seconds. During those 90 seconds, neurochemicals flood through our systems and then are completely flushed out of the bloodstream. So, why was

I spend a lot of time with overwhelmed moms of teenagers and young adults. And here's what I know for sure: These things WON’T make you feel calmer or more connected with your teenager: Wait for it to pass Blame it on them Blame it on yourself Try to fix their problems, try to fix them Walk on eggshells 24/7 Ruminate, spin, agonize, replay it a hundred times Lecture, criticize, punish, coerce Micro-manage, nag, control Absorb their feelings Beg, cajole, bribe Lay awake devis

It breaks my heart when I meet parents who have gone to workshops and, despite some great insights, didn’t experience any real changes afterwards in their day-to-day life. They still got triggered in the same kinds of situations with their teenager, they still had the same voices running in their heads and they still fell into their old reactions. Because insight and self-awareness only take you part of the way toward becoming a grounded parent. And today I want to talk about

Today’s article is for every parent who has ever unintentionally matched their teenager’s emotions. “It's like I absorb her tension.” “He was really anxious and, within one second, I was anxious too. “I feel like their moods are steering me.” “Just knowing how hurt she was, I could feel myself sinking down into where she was.” There's no denying that pang of motherhood. We felt it when their first cries had our breasts aching and when we saw our toddler’s big tears when some

There's an old saying that parents should choose their battles and, while I abhor the war references, I know we've all made these kinds of choices. Especially when our kids are so certain in their opinions (as long as they’re contrary to ours), so quick to become loud and defensive or collapse into hurt, so governed by their changing brains and bodies, we wonder time and again whether we should bring something up or just let it go. Obviously, we can't discuss every single one