Can Your Teenager Really Tell You Anything?

Photo by chuck derby on Unsplash

What does the word “approachable” make you think of? A welcoming front door, a big cuddly dog, a calm lake or smiling eyes?

Whether it's a door, a dog or a person, our comfort in stepping toward something is formed largely by our experiences.

For one of my clients, 'approachable' sparked an image of a late-night campfire. She had many memories of sitting by the fire, embers burning down, warmth drawing her in, either gazing into the glow mulling her thoughts or engaging in good conversation with good company. "A campfire always feels like somewhere I want to go.”

Approachable is something every parent I’ve worked with wants to be.  They say things like, “I want him to come to me when he’s in trouble... I want to be a safe place for her emotions… I want them to know they can tell me anything...”

And yet, when I ask them about their last conversation with their teenager, it’s clear that they are saying it and not being it. And this is important because, when kids in their teens and twenties have something distressing going on and think about sharing it, they first assess if it’s safe approaching their parent with it.

And they’re pretty good at this assessment. They've assimilated hundreds of experiences and conversations with you that tell them if it’s a good idea to come to you with what’s on their mind. Their system scans for answers, “Is the campfire warm and receptive? Can I expect to be heard? Will I receive the kind of support I need? Am I going to be criticized, berated, blamed, shut down, punished, ridiculed, shamed or harmed?” Hundreds of your past words and gestures influence their decision.

What’s an approachable parent?

Open-minded, welcoming, available, accessible, calm, helpful, user-friendly, flexible, tolerant, pleasant, kindly, gracious, warm, open-hearted, composed, accepting, appreciating, thoughtful, patient, receptive, embracing, reachable, open, easy going.

As you read through this list, which ones sound like you?

Can your teenager really tell you anything?

Which ones would they probably not use to describe you?

Take a few breaths. There’s no need for self-blame here, just a recognition of what’s true right now and an opportunity to learn and grow. Stay with me...

Three key skills in being approachable:

1. Neutrality

If your kid is pretty sure you’re going to blow up or break down, they’re not going to come to you. It’s that simple, you already know that.

And resisting the impulse to blow up or break down is hard. Of course, you set your intention to be calm and open-hearted, but then you hear something that triggers your anger. They drove the car when you told them not to. They trusted that guy they hardly even knew. They didn’t pay their rent.

Your heartbeat quickens, anger rises in you like a dragon and, before you know it, you’re breathing fire at them. “Why did you disobey me? You know better than that. You’re going to pay for this.”

Or maybe their words terrify you and the fear clenches your belly or throbs in your head. You panic and your autopilot takes over. In the next second, you start crying and beseeching them to change their ways.

Emotions are bound to arise when you hear something difficult but when they override your child’s attempt to get support, it makes you unapproachable, at least from your child’s perspective. And when they are experiencing all their own emotions, piling your emotional reaction on top of that is often too much and they either erupt like a volcano or retreat back under their tortoise shell. And in their mind is a voice saying, “See, I knew she wouldn’t understand/help.”

First and foremost, in those tense moments, it’s essential to recognize and experience your own emotions without letting them take over the conversation.

· Breathe. As you listen, steady the rise and fall of your chest.

· Name the emotion. “I feel anger/ fear/ grief rising up in me.”

· Open instead of clenching and let it flow through you, like a wave. Feel it rising and intensifying then take a few more gentle breaths and feel it subsiding. 

· Ask for a few moments if you need them. “I’m aware of some anger/ fear/ grief percolating in me right now. Just give me a minute to let that go so I can be fully present with you.”

Being neutral/ non-reactive is an ongoing project for most of us, so don’t expect perfection. Some days, your feelings will have you instantaneously reactive, or over-reactive. Other days, you'll be successful. And it will allow you to truly witness your child, not just the topic they’re sharing but also the language they use, their emotional landscape, whose opinions they consider, how they see their responsibility and the way they rationalize and analyze.

In those moments, your child gathers experiences of being able to safely bring things to you. They confirm that you are, indeed, approachable.

2. Giving what you’re asked for

Don’t make assumptions about what they want from you; you need to ask each time they share. Do they want you to show solidarity or challenge their logic? Do they want you to be silent, ask questions or make suggestions?

It may take a few minutes for them to figure out their answer so wait patiently. And they might change their mind as the conversation proceeds so keep checking, “Would you like to hear my questions? Is my silence still working for you?”

These are golden opportunities to demonstrate your approachability by simply meeting their request. That kind of respect is never forgotten - it’s saved in their brains as a warm glow.

3. Being willing to hear anything

When you’re watching your 10-year-old on the soccer field, you just don’t know what they might get into later. And you’re never prepared when it’s your kid standing in front of you saying they’re moving out, in trouble with the police, depressed or pregnant.

When you hear those words, they hit hard, your system senses danger and inner voices yell, “Quick, get him away from those people... Forbid her... Say they’re making a huge mistake…”

You are at the edge of new territory and there are so many unknowns. How do you speak to the police or the friend’s parents? How do you parent a teen mother or someone who needs antipsychotic medication?

Step in, I say.

Be willing to go into this new territory with your child, despite your fear and the warnings blaring in your head. Be brave. If they want to talk about the guy they punched, their curiosity about suicide or their drug experimentation, engage in the conversation. It is possible to just listen without giving voice to your concerns. You can breathe and calm your system and take in the whole story. You can feel scared or enraged or disappointed and still listen patiently.

“I want my kids to know they can tell me anything” is a well-used phrase. And to be that parent, you need to be willing to hear anything. Heart-breaking, shocking, aggravating and terrifying things you never expected to deal with.

Courage comes from the Latin for “heart”. Be propelled by your love for your kid and remember that you are held by something beyond yourself. Trust that you will find a way through it together.

This is being approachable: they feel your presence like a safe place they can come and sit and talk for a while and they know deep down that they can really tell you anything.

Parenting older children requires us to work on expanding our ability to hold that warm, welcoming space for all of who they are and all that they are experiencing. We practice breathing and calming our nervous systems. We observe where we are triggered and how we process our emotions. We learn new ways of saying things. We expand our viewpoints and develop new skills to become approachable, not just in words but in our big kids’ hearts.

We keep the fire going.