The Biggest Act of Love I Could Give My Daughter

I am happy to be able to share a tender interview with one of the parents I coached last winter.

Meet Marthe, an award-winning musician, peace activist and single mom. When we met, she was feeling guilty about how often she was fighting with her teenage daughter, and she was terrified that she was driving her away. This is her story about finding steadiness and peace in her parenting and learning how to connect with her daughter in a very different way.

Q. What problems were you experiencing in your relationship with your daughter before we started working together?

I was in a state of despair and overload. My daughter was really angry with me all the time, rejecting me, not listening to me or doing what I asked her to do, not answering my questions and walking away. I would get so angry at her, like I couldn’t breathe, and so angry at myself. I was really panicking because I felt like I was losing her in every way.

I felt so guilty about how our relationship was deteriorating and that I was failing parenting badly. So, I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to fix things and control things. But what I was doing only made it worse, and that scared me even more.

We clashed regularly and, in between, we just avoided each other. The way she pushed me away was painful but I was pushing her away too, like my mother had done to me, and I was terrified of repeating that cycle. 

Q. You booked a complimentary coaching session and, after that first conversation, what made you decide to work with me?

It was a feeling of real connection. Even though we live on different sides of the world, I instantly felt your presence and your listening. There's something deeply human that you bring into your work. I was instantly aware of this enormous, warm space that you hold, anyone could feel it when they start talking to you.

It was clear to me right then that, yes, we would do this work together. I wanted to have conversations with my daughter that felt safe, lighthearted and connected. It was time to face this wound from my mother and move beyond it. And the way that you held space, asked such meaningful questions and listened made me feel that there really would be a way through it. 

Q. What were you hoping to accomplish?

If I’m really honest with myself, I was looking for instructions.  I didn’t get how I was affecting the situation and I wasn't very interested in going deeper into the problem. I was just so frustrated about the way she was acting out and I wanted to know how to fix her.

Also, I was really worried about how other people perceived my daughter and, even more so, what they’d think of me if I didn’t have control of her and wasn’t raising her properly. I was comparing myself to others and couldn’t ever measure up. I couldn’t say it then but I wanted to feel proud of my parenting. 

Q. What stands out for you when you reflect on our work together?

The visualizations we used, the Train Driver and the Barefoot Orchardist. They brought these different parts of me out where I could differentiate them and see they didn’t define me, and that made it safe to explore deeper. The practices that you gave me between sessions would never have worked if I hadn’t had those images. I could really feel them in me and they gave me a path to follow. I think that’s the most beautiful thing about how you coach.

The Train Driver part of me believed that there must be an absolute right way to parent and that metaphor made me see how extremely hard I was being on myself.  She was constantly scanning for what my daughter was doing wrong and what I was doing wrong. She was busy doing as much as she possibly could, fixing, helping and pushing. Really, just hoping not to be exposed as a failure as a parent.

So, it really helped that you are so nonjudgmental. Whatever I was saying, you were just noticing it and seeing it from different perspectives. I quickly realized that I didn't have to worry about what you were thinking of me. I felt free, safe and less alone.

As I gradually got to know the Orchardist part of me, I particularly remember when I first realized that I had a choice in how I reacted to my daughter (something the Train Driver couldn’t see). When your synapses and neurons are working in a certain way, it's really hard to change them. You have to practice until you really feel the fact that you have a choice, or else it's just theory. The more I did the practices you gave me, the more I felt my ability to just listen - without assuming, blaming myself or fixing.

Over the months, I learned to breathe in a different way, to perceive situations differently and how to feel inward and choose what I say or do according to how I really want to be with my daughter. I began parenting in a different way. 

Q. What changes do you see now that 6 months have passed since we finished working together?

Honestly, I was confused in the beginning. I'd never had coaching and I was expecting us to talk more about my daughter and all the things she was doing. I was like, why are we just talking about me? (LOL)

But gradually I realized that this was about healing. When you guided me, patiently and without judgment, to gradually shift my perspective from the Train Driver to the Orchardist, something healed in here. It’s a funny thing about life: you don’t actually notice when the really big things are happening. Somehow, I realized that me and my daughter weren’t me and my mother. It’d had been an obstacle for me for so many years and then, I don't know when it shifted, but it did.

So, this was first and foremost a healing process for me. I learned how to embody my own breath and my own presence. I was transformed. And the change in me has changed a lot between my daughter and me. 

Q. What's it like between the two of you now?

It's really beautiful. So beautiful. I don’t mean that it's perfect, because it's not. But we have very, very different conversations now and our connection feels a lot closer.

She's about to move to boarding school and, although I'm worried, I feel a calm presence in me. It's very grounding to be able to say that things are good between us and I feel calm - I couldn't have imagined that last year.

I have no words to describe how grateful I am. The way you’ve been holding this space for me for all this time is such a big act of love. And this is also, I think, the biggest act of love I could have given my daughter.

Not having felt that love as a child, it took a while for me to trust love. It's hard to model love for your child when you carry mother wounds, you doubt yourself. I wondered if the kind of love that I had for my daughter was a good enough kind of love. Or if it could hold everything that was happening. And now I feel it can.

It's really, really beautiful when you start to actually trust that your child is going to be ok even if you don't hammer in these lessons all the time or lecture on what is right and blah blah blah. And when I loosened my grip a little bit, she started telling me more about what she’s thinking and what’s going on in her life.

Now I can just ask, “Do you want me to listen now or do you want me to say what I think?” And giving her that kind of respect has really opened her up to listen to some of my opinions and life experiences too.  We’re actually communicating with each other now.

IT COULD BE YOUR STORY NEXT...

Step into an experience that will be a turning point in your relationship with your teen/young adult. Learn more about the Grounded Parent Pathway and book us some time to talk about how you might give them the biggest gift of your love.