​Her anxiety was triggering my own anxiety and I was becoming unable to function. I wasn't eating or sleeping well and I wasn't taking care of myself. I was living my life on edge, constantly worrying about what crisis the next phone call would bring and how I was going to handle it. I was exhausted.

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I really wanted to help her, of course, and I tried to think of different things to say, but it was never the right thing. She’d argue, criticize and gaslight me and then I felt so guilty: “Oh no, what did I do wrong?! I should have…” My anxiety was upping her anxiety and it just made everything worse.

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It was affecting my work too. The texts would start coming in before I even got to work. I'd be distracted looking at my phone, answering her texts and trying to calm her down. And then I’d go outside during my break and cry.

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People told me not to answer her but I couldn’t just ignore her. She’s my child and she was really struggling. And she refused to get help from anyone else, so it was all on me to be her lifeline. I was so afraid for her and felt completely helpless as a mother. I was pretty desperate when I found you.”

 

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Q: How did you find out about me?

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“I remember, one night I was all alone, hoping and praying, ‘I need help.’ Then I googled how to help your anxious college kid and one of your blogs came up. As I read it, I just started crying because it was the first time I felt validated and that there wasn’t something wrong with me and my parenting. I read several more of your articles and I thought, “Oh my gosh, she gets exactly what I'm feeling like.” The first time we talked, I felt calm and a glimmer of hope and I knew that working with you was exactly what I needed.”

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Tami’s Coaching Journey

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At the end of our first session together, Tami expressed her coaching goal in such a heartfelt way: I want to be more self-confident and grounded and hold healthy boundaries so I can communicate lovingly with my daughter, no matter what comes.

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I designed the framework of her coaching program and identified the areas in which she needed to develop more capacity: staying calm amidst big emotions, articulating her needs and boundaries, and tapping into her inner parenting wisdom.

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I created a metaphor to describe her current parenting approach, the way of the Dedicated Apprentice Plumber, who was overloaded and untrained, but jumping in and frantically trying to patch every single leak.

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And then I opened a channel to Tami’s spiritual essence and sensed the qualities that were ready to emerge in her. I felt a big, calm, wise presence and, after some discussion, we named her future parenting metaphor, the way of the Clear-voiced Whale.

 

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Q: What aspects of your coaching program were most effective for you?

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“The first thing was working with the metaphors. In the beginning, the Dedicated Apprentice Plumber was in full force in me, and I was so stressed and jumpy. And, although I wanted to be like the Clear-voiced Whale and I hoped I would, I didn’t have access to that part of me and I really wondered how I was going to do it.

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And then, several months later, there was a session when it all just clicked. I could feel the differences between these two parts of me. I could stop in a tense moment, realize I was acting in the way of the Plumber and call on the Whale and act in a more solid, steady way. I felt a real change happening in me and I could see that I could become a calm mother of an anxious kid.

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The second thing I really liked was having practices to do every day, which kept me focused and accountable. The exercises were challenging but inviting and I always felt my progress, one small chunk at a time.

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I also liked that, when we met, we were always building from exactly where I’d gotten to in my two weeks (not like a previous therapist whose always set the agenda). You really listened to me and saw me.  

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One of the most powerful moments of this whole experience was when we were working on boundaries. You gave me a visualization and I finally got what boundaries are. I could see how far I’d gone into her bubble and I immediately knew the kind of separation I wanted instead.

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The other major turning point was learning to surrender. First, it was surrendering all the weight and guilt and responsibility I was carrying and, then later, surrendering to the fact that I don’t have the answers or skills to fix things for her. That has been such a big relief.

Now I'm surrendering every day, breathing every day and, you know, setting clear boundaries every day. I finally have tools and a tool belt.”

 

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Q: And how is your life different now compared to when we started?

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“Oh my gosh, it's so different. This has honestly changed my life.

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 A good example is that things are harder than ever for her right now and I'm still able to maintain my calm. I'm not getting wrapped up in her angst. Sometimes I go the whole day without worrying about her or feeling like I have to make her feel better. I'm sleeping well, eating well, going to the gym and living my life.

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Before I started working with you, I couldn’t really imagine this but I'm not living on high alert anymore.”

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As Tami nears the end of her coaching program, it’s delightful to see how confident she has become as she parents with the clarity and steadiness that has grown in her. She’s being supportive of her daughter in a very different way: through her steady presence.

 

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Q: What do you foresee for your relationship with your daughter?

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“I realize that, for years, I really didn't set boundaries with her, so I was always feeling frustrated or resentful. Now, although she might not be able to articulate it, I know she has noticed that I’m responding differently. I’m stating my truth calmly and firmly and she's more accepting of what I have to say.

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I see that she’s changing too and there’s more harmony between us. She's opening up to me more and it feels good. I feel at peace with how I’m parenting and I’m looking forward to doing fun things together and having normal mother-daughter conversations about clothes and boys and life.”