EMOTIONAL LOOPS AND RAISING TEENAGERS

I recently received some unexpected news that will have a significant impact on my life. I was really afraid. My heart rate went up and my stomach clenched so tightly I cried out.

Hours later, I still felt the fear. When I brushed my teeth, when I laid down in bed… there it was.

Or was it fear?

Research shows that emotions only last 90 seconds. During those 90 seconds, neurochemicals flood through our systems and then are completely flushed out of the bloodstream.

So, why was I still upset hours and days after I received the news?Because there was a loud, harsh voice in my head repeating a story: “This is going to be bad. It’s going to cost you dearly. You should have seen it coming.”

That tracks with the research that says: If you feel like an emotion is lasting longer than 90 seconds, it’s not the emotion, per se, but an emotional loop or a repeating story.

It might look like

• Getting angry about how angry you got about being angry…

• Berating yourself. I should have… This is my fault... I’m an idiot…

• Prematurely telling yourself that you’re sinking into depression or spinning into anxiety

• Replaying what happened endlessly

• Ruminating on dozens of possibilities

• Telling yourself you can’t stop thinking about this

Are you familiar with this?

Think of a time when something transpired between you and young adult and you experienced a strong emotion that persisted for hours or days.

What was happening inside you?

Were you squashing down the emotion, only to have it pop up again?

Were you amplifying it by imagining even worse scenarios?

Were you creating stories about why you feel this way?

Were you judging yourself for even having that emotion?

Was the triggering event stuck on repeat?

It feels like your brain is caught in a net and each time you think about the situation, your body contracts even further and the net tightens. And that sends your mind around the loop again.

The good news is that we don’t have to keep getting overwhelmed by an imagined tidal wave of emotion. With practice, we can allow those emotions and be with them. And what could be more beneficial to you as a parent than developing a better relationship with big emotions?

A Practice for You

When you’re aware of a strong emotion, name it concisely, without any judgment.“I am experiencing anger/ joy/ fear/ grief.”

Notice that the emotion is rising, like the crest of a wave, and notice the physical sensations that accompany it. Does your heart rate increase? Do you feel warmer or colder? Do you feel wobbly, heavy or untethered? Does the emotion flood your whole body or concentrate in one area?

“I’m experiencing fear and a cold shakiness.”

“My shoulders are tense and my breathing is shallow. This is anger.”

Allow the emotion to move through you.

Visualize it in motion and say, “The anger is moving through me. I don’t need to get in its way or try to hang onto it.”

Keep breathing.

Notice how the intensity of the wave then naturally decreases and the physical sensations dissipate.

Say, “I just experienced some anger/ fear/ joy/ grief. Phew!”

This isn’t an easy practice. At first, you may notice how your thoughts hijack your intentions. Maybe as soon as you say, “I’m experiencing anger”, you’ll have thoughts like, “Of course I’m angry. I have every right to be, or I shouldn’t be angry, or I’m so frustrated with myself for being angry, or I’m going to explode.” Distractions are to be expected. Your next move is to bring your attention back into your body.

You may also, in the early stages of this practice, find it difficult to locate the physical sensations in your body. Maybe all you’ll be able to say is, “It just feels like anger all over inside me.” And that’s an excellent start so try it again, and again, and you’ll notice something more - a restriction in your chest, tension in your neck or tingling in your feet. Now you’ve got momentum.

Practice this for a month and you’ll be much more present when big emotions arise. You’ll be able to experience them as they are instead of making them bigger or scarier. And you’ll save yourself from hours of running it through your mind like a broken record or holding the tension in your shoulders long after the emotion has subsided.

Why This is a Highly Valuable Parenting Skill

When your teenager does that thing they said they’d never do again or says something that’s seemingly meant to infuriate you, and you feel the anger (or fear or grief) starting to bubble up inside you…

Instead of having the same old reaction that felt like your only option (It’s just how I am, I always blow up), you’ll discover that you’ve now got a choice about how you respond. When you’re not spinning stories, caught in an emotional loop or ruminating endlessly, the kinds of choices that are available to you are the ones that allow you to parent in the way that you intend.

You are in the moment with them. You feel a little space. You choose your next word, your next facial expression and your next movement.

And your connection with your big kid is built of moments like this.

p.s. I’m celebrating because one of my articles made it into the Best Parenting Essays of 2025 | PARENTreads

p.p.s. I'm offering a new workshops, "How To Stay Calm When Your Teenager Isn't." Check for the next dates and save your spot HERE.