My ONE Goal Is Understanding My Teenager

My 22 yo is a painter so, lucky me, I get to watch their sketches turn into fascinating layers of colour, light , depth and texture and gradually  become beautiful landscapes. It amazes me how a few pencil lines become a field of wildflowers in the mountains. And as I witness this process, I see a metaphor for how we get to know other people – including our teens and young adult children – layer by layer.

When we choose to take the time to really understand what another person thinks and feels, where they hurt, why they react to situations the way they do and how their past experiences shape their behaviour, we discover complex humans, like ourselves, with similar hopes, needs, heartbreaks, worries and joys.

We all know that it doesn’t take any special powers to listen longer and more deeply to another person, only the willingness to give our time and suspend our judgements and expectations. Then we get to see their layers of light and colour, their depth, even the sketch lines underneath. The more we learn, the more our hearts are opened until all we can do is respond with kindness, patience, and tolerance.

I think this is one of the most important capacities we can nurture in our children: to strive to understand, really understand, others. We can practice it with them and model it for them, so they can carry it forward into their relationships and communities, and into our collective future.

A Practice to Deepen Your Understanding of Your Teenager

Each time your teenager comes into the room, center your attention on the single goal of understanding them.

A good way to do this is to create a physical signal for yourself. What works for me is closing my eyes for half a second and then opening them, fully focused on the kid in front of me. What works for you might be putting your hand on your chest, placing your feet a couple of inches farther apart, or massaging your earlobe. Experiment until you land on something that signals your system that you've got time to listen and observe, and this is how you choose to nurture the bond between you. 

Then the task is to listen.

And keep listening.

That means noticing if you're already mentally discounting their arguments, perhaps even before they’re spoken. Or judging their actions before you have the context or presuming what motivated them or how they’re feeling. Stay aware and, if thoughts like this are surfacing prematurely and cutting off your ability to learn more, use your signal again.

“My goal right now is understanding, period. There will be time for analysis and debate later. But first, I want to understand.”

Some parents tend to think that, since they've known their kid for 15 or 20 years, they already understand them. And while it's true that you have built up a magnitude of knowledge about your kids, it's also true that they are changing on a daily basis and who they are now, why they make a certain decision or how they behave will always have some new aspects to it. 

That’s what you’re listening for: who they are in this moment.

An Artful Approach

Imagine you've got a piece of paper in front of you with just your kid’s name and the scenario written in the center of it. For example, Jess drove to her boyfriend's house at 10 pm or Jay didn’t hand in their biology project.

It’s the start of your sketch, a simple shape.

Then imagine you’re going to add more to the page.

Of course, you have concerns about Jess driving so far out of town late at night or Jay’s assertion that they forgot. Those are your own feelings and opinions, and they don't belong on this piece of paper. This is your sketch of their experience.

To fill in your understanding of what they did, said, thought or felt, you'll need information. So, ask a question or two.

Don’t make it an interrogation; they’ll pull away immediately.

And don’t ask “Why?” because all you’re going to get is ‘I don't know’.

Instead, maybe something along the lines of,

And then what happened?

Were you afraid/ happy/ sad/ angry that ___?

Did you feel like you had to do it?

Did you feel too nervous to ask?

Did you base your decision on or ?

Did you feel comfortable with what was happening?

As you go, check in with yourself: Am I gaining new understanding of my child and their experience? Or am I filling in my sketch with layers of my own opinions, assumptions and emotions? If it’s the latter, take a breath and use your signal again to refocus on your sketch and your one goal.

Artists say they learn more and more about themselves with each sketch and each painting. What might you learn about yourself from focusing on understanding your kid’s experience?

It might show you where you are impatient and jump to conclusions. Or when you tend to be inflexible or too malleable, too forceful or indecisive. You might hear an inner voice saying, I have to be right, it’s my fault, I have to fix it right now, this is going to be a disaster, etc.  And you might recognize how you unintentionally push them away.

And you will learn something new about your big kid. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a few tidbits about how they felt or a major revelation of their decision-making process, the point is that you connected, stood on common ground for a few moments, had eye contact and a shared understanding.

For an adolescent, this feels like respect.

It builds their trust in you.

The kind of trust you've been longing for.

Dear mama, could you use some support these days?

I built the Grounded Parent Pathway to help anxious, overwhelmed mothers of teenagers to come home to their calm so they can maintain and deepen their connection with their big kid as they move out into the world.

I'm here for all the moms who feel like their anxiety has been driving their parenting for too long. I'm here for the moms who are exhausted and out of ideas about how to get through to their kid. I'm here for the moms who are afraid, spinning and lost.

For six years, I've been offering my wisdom, coaching mastery, intuitive gifts and soothing presence to help moms shift from anxious to grounded. Connect with me here or hit reply and let me know how I can support you in what you're navigating right now.

Photo by Brent Ninaber on Unsplash