My Teenager Never Listens to Me

I hear this a lot from parents:

"I have to remind him 15 times. And each time I repeat it, my tone gets angrier and angrier. And I know that deters him from listening."

"Even when I'm making eye contact with her and she' nods her head, she's not really taking in what I'm saying to her."

"He listens, but with so much resentment. Like I'm stupid or unreasonable and he wishes he never had to listen to me again."

"I can almost feel a barrier deflecting my words."

Your teenager is moving into adulthood, and they are biologically compelled to develop their sense of their autonomy. They need to feel their capacity to take in information and come to their own decisions without feeling pressured or swayed.

As parents, we have to find ways of honoring this need. Because when someone (including you or me) feels like you’re talking AT them without giving them a choice, they will listen resentfully, or not at all.

One of the ways to avoid this is to ask if you can tell them something beforehand instead of just launching into what you want to say. This recognizes that they have a choice and sets the stage for being heard by them willingly and fully.  Maybe even cordially.

Step 1 Ask

• Hey, can I tell you something?

• Is this a good time to tell you something about what happened to me today?

• I just want to be heard for 2 minutes. Are you willing to do that right now?

• I’m weighing some pros and cons and could use another ear. Do you have the energy for that right now?

• I’m celebrating something. OK if I tell you why?

• I’d like to tell you about __. Are you interested in listening?

These are examples, not scripts; you'll practice finding wording that works for you. 

Step 2 Pause

Wait for their honest answer.

Take a breath to release any expectations you might have.

If you’re prone to jumping in, hold your lips together until they’ve answered.

Step 3 Double Check

Sometimes kids are surprised and need a moment to decide how to answer. You can support them  to make their choice by asking a follow-up question to show that you really are considering their needs. This might sound like:

• OK, would you prefer to talk later?

• Are you really focused on what you are doing? I can wait.

• Do you need some quiet right now?

• Does this seem like too much right now?

Step 4 Observe and Reflect

Observe what happens in you:

• Do you notice some resistance to asking?

• If so, what seems to be at risk? What's the inner dialogue? What does some part of you believe could be lost if you give them a choice? (You could explore this is my upcoming workshop.)

• Where do you feel the resistance in your body? How could you ease it 10% right away?

• How, if at all, might this be related to the autonomy, or lack thereof, you felt when you were a teenager? Is there a tender wound in you that's being poked?

• When they make an autonomous choice to listen to what you have to say, how does that shape the way you talk for the rest of your conversation? 

• How does asking first affect the kind of connection you feel with them?

When it seems like your teenager isn’t listening to you, or only listens resentfully, recognizing their autonomy with a few words and a pause may go a long way toward having more connected conversations. You're in it together, even if it's sharing a little anecdote or making plans for tomorrow. Instead of an overtone of resentment and frustration, there's respect and patience. And your hearts are more connected.

Join my next workshop, “How To Stay Calm When Your Teenager Isn’t”