What WON’T Make You Feel Calmer with Your Teenager

I spend a lot of time with overwhelmed moms of teenagers and young adults. And here's what I know for sure: 

These things WON’T make you feel calmer or more connected with your teenager:

Wait for it to pass

Blame it on them

Blame it on yourself

Try to fix their problems, try to fix them

Walk on eggshells 24/7

Ruminate, spin, agonize, replay it a hundred times

Lecture, criticize, punish, coerce

Micro-manage, nag, control

Absorb their feelings

Beg, cajole, bribe

Lay awake devising strategies

Brace yourself, expect the worst, keep bracing…  

WHAT WORKS is Doing the Inner Work

And by 'work', I don't mean a long, dark, painful expedition through your past. 

I mean self-exploration to get a clear understanding of what happens when you have an auto-pilot reaction (e.g. yelling, lecturing, criticizing, pleading, controlling your teenager). Many people don’t want to focus on what feels like a shortcoming: the panic, the impulse that takes over in an instant, the emotions that boil over, the things that get blurted out. But a reaction pattern isn't a flaw and when you explore it, you learn the key to breaking its hold on you.

I also mean putting intention and effort into developing a way to interrupt those old reactions before they happen. A deeply personal tool, unique to you, your nervous system and your situation. So you can cultivate a new, grounded, whole-hearted way of parenting until it becomes your second nature. And so your relationship with your teenager becomes more relaxed, more respectful, lighter, sweeter and, yes, more fun.

Sound good?

Wait, are you doubting if this is really possible for you?

I get it. Darya was doubtful too. 

One of the first things she said to me was, “You probably can’t help me. Things with my son have gotten so bad. So many things have been said, deeply hurtful things that can’t be taken back... He’s so mad that he’s talking about moving out.” 

Her son was lying and sneaking out at night. And Darya was exploding with anger.  It came over her so quickly, like a "convoy of freight trucks", forcing caustic criticisms out of her mouth before she could stop them. They’d argue and insult each other ruthlessly until one of them stomped away. A bitter standoff. Until the next time... 

They were caught in a horrible holding pattern and Darya was desperate find a way out of it. "I'm afraid that he'll move out and then we'll hardly talk at all. He'll go on with his own life and I'll lose him." 

So, we worked together to see underneath her angry explosions until she could recognize when they were barreling toward her and change into a different lane before the impact. She found her own unique way of helping her emotions quieten down and then, instead of spouting hurtful criticisms, say what her wise self really wanted to say. 

“The first step, exploring my automatic furious reaction, was sobering. But when I finally understood what was happening inside me in those explosions, that's what made it possible for me to start breaking free and trying ways of doing it differently."

Darya says she still gets angry and they still clash but now her anger doesn't take over. "I know now that there’s enough time for me to connect to my calm place and make my next move from there. I feel so much better about how I'm parenting and what I'm modelling. We have even had a few calm, heart-to-heart conversations. That’s huge progress.”   

My upcoming workshop, “How to Stay Calm When Your Teenager Isn’t,” is a chance for you to experience the first step that was pivotal for Darya and many other moms. You’ll focus on one dynamic that’s driving a wedge between you and your teenager.

I’ll guide you through an exploration of those tense and seemingly unavoidable situations and shine light on aspects that have probably been difficult for you to see on your won.

You'll discover a way to finally interrupt your old reaction pattern and change lanes before those unretractable words come out of your mouth. And you'll tap into your inner wisdom for what that new lane looks like - the new way you can approach the situation that will actually work for you and your teenager. And feel really right deep down in your bones.

See Upcoming Workshop Dates