Breathing Too Loudly and Other Ways to Annoy Your Teenager

You could have sworn that you were just reading a book and breathing normally. But all of a sudden, your teenager is emanating ick vibes and sighing, “Do you have to breath like that? It’s so weird.”

Sheesh! Teens get soooo frustrated with their parents’ everyday behaviours. They act like your very presence is unbearable and make snide comments on your complete lack of style, capability, intelligence, etc. They refuse to be seen with you in public, or to be in your presence at all.

It's hurtful and annoying - and it's not about you.

Your teenager's system is undergoing renovations and it's really messy in there. They're getting all sorts of new parts and pieces. They're receiving so many different signals that throw them off their center. And here's the important part: In that state, every irritation is a BIG irritation. Especially if it comes from their mommmm (more eye rolling and sighing).

Instead of defending your right to breathe in your own house, accusing them of being rude or telling them to take a deep breath, take your own deep breath.

Then another, letting your emotions flow through.

Then another, centering yourself and saying something like, "Tough day, huh?" 

Because, you know, mom, that’s what’s really going on.

Self-reflections:

What emotion arises in you when your teenager expresses annoyance about your existence? Is it hurt, humiliation, anger, rejection, abandonment or something else?

When you feel that emotion, what presumptions do you make?

~

Akin to the risks of breathing too loudly is sitting on your couch and unknowingly crowding their space. They move away with a huff or snipe, “Do you have to sit right here?” Even if you were there first, even if you always sit on the couch after dinner, even if it’s your couch and your living room.

For a teenager, who have a built-in job to gain more independence and privacy, just your existence in the same room can feel like they're being watched or about to be peppered with questions. So, if they complain and encourage you to shove off, try saying, in a level tone, "I'm going to be here reading here for about half an hour. I'm ok if you choose to stay or go."

Self-reflections: 

When you’re annoyed by their annoyance, what stories run through your mind? (E.g. Ouch, they don’t love me anymore. They don’t appreciate everything I do for them. Who do they think they are to boss me around?)

What do you need to do first to be able to use a level tone in response?

~

And since we're talking about privacy, here's the #1 Irksome Mom Behaviour that teens complain about: “She knocks on my bedroom door and then walks right in!”

Their bedroom is their territory. It’s one of the few places that feels like just theirs, a place to figure out how to navigate their life, feel their feelings, and process all the changes they’re going through. This is where they’re defining their identity and learning to trust their instincts, which is why it feels so essential to them. When you waltz right in to their sanctuary without permission, you discount their needs in this stage of their development. 

If you absolutely must enter, knock and wait (respect). If there's no answer after several attempts, say loudly, "I'm coming in” (respect). Open the door a little (respect) and, since they might be in their underwear with headphones on, wave your hand like a flag to catch their attention (respect). It's when you respect their privacy that you're building trust.

Self-reflections:

What happens in your body when you knock and wait and receive no response? Is your neck tightening, face heating up, etc.? Try free-writing for 3 full minutes to let that part of your body talk with you. Find out what deeper concerns it might be trying to convey.

~

Some days, when you want to connect, a simple "How was your day?" can cause more friction than connection.

That's because, to a human brain that’s developing at a different rate than the body it’s contained in, any question can feel like a police investigation in a tiny dark room under glaring lights. You're wondering how they are but they're hearing, "Where were you? What did you do? Did you go to your math class? Who were you with? Give me the information right now!" And that's going to have them either retreating into one-word responses or coming back at you defensively.

Maybe try a simple, "Hey, good to see you" and let it progress, or not, from there.

Self-reflections: 

If part of you continually insists on knowing if they're ok, let that part of you finish this statement: “As long as I know how they’re doing, then ___.”

What adjustments do you need to make so you can be content with connecting without receiving intel?

 ~

And now for all the ways in which you embarrass your teenager:

Laughing at the wrong moment. You're trying to lighten the moment, but they feel mocked. All you can do is repair it quickly. "I wasn't laughing at you. It seemed funny that... Sorry about that."

Using their lingo. Nope, this is never ever appreciated by teens, especially not in public. You're just trying to be in their galaxy but it's blatant trespassing to them. It's their generation's language and, when they use it, it helps them feel like they belong. When you use it, it sounds cringey.

Waving at them in public. Puh-leez, mom. Your teenager is hyper-hyper conscious of how they look in front of their peers. They are trying so hard to be accepted and a simple gesture can make them feel exposed. Just ask them: "When I see you with friends, do you want me to say hi, nod, smile, wave or pretend we don't know each other?"

Posting their picture online or telling childhood stories. Your teenager is cultivating an image and that 4th birthday shot could be mortifying at this age. Like, socially devastating. So, ask first. And if the answer's no, it's no.

Same goes for talking to another parent about them. Of course, if it's someone with whom you have established confidentiality, go ahead. Otherwise, think before you speak. To a teenager who's constantly wary of being exposed and ousted from their peer group, having another adult know their business is a huge privacy violation and terribly unnerving.

Self-reflections:

What has been your own relationship with humiliation?

Do you secretly doubt or dismiss the social risks your teenager faces?

In what ways do you want to support their sense of dignity and belonging?

~

In the parenting jungle, risks abound in unexpected places. You are definitely going to be annoying and you are definitely going to be pushed away. Give yourself grace when those moments hurt your heart or push your buttons. Go lightly and keep breathing…

But not too loudly ;)

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