I'll Be Ok When My Teen is Ok: Regulating Yourself Instead of Managing Your Teen
- Lori K Walters
- Mar 18
- 4 min read
It was a warm evening in May, full of loons and leaves chattering the promise of summer, when Monica went into her bedroom and exhaled.
Well, actually, it was more of a rattle that seemed to come from the core of her being.
"What was I tense about?", she wondered, as she scanned her day… Then she remembered and her shoulders started to rise. Her son had called earlier, loud and upset, and its force had invaded her otherwise calm day. For the entire rest of the day.
And you? What happens for you when your kid isn't OK?
You feel uncomfortable, a little bit on edge or maybe even panicky. Like you can't relax until you've done something to make things better for them. Let’s be clear. This may be partly because you 'want what's best for them' and it may also be a sign that you are not healthily separated from how they feel.
You'll know what I'm talking about if your nervous system becomes dysregulated, and you become anxious, in response to how OK they are.
Or how OK you assume they are.
What happens next is that, because you're in a pattern of telling yourself that, if they're not OK, you aren't OK either, you try to regulate yourself by regulating them. And you already know how well that works out.
If this sounds like you, here are some questions worth exploring:
1 What am I telling myself that their feelings mean about me?
When we spend a certain amount of our day walking on eggshells and focusing on keeping our young adult happy, a lot of automatic storytelling goes on. We say things like, “I don't want to be a nag and make him angry” or “I’m such a drag. I ruined her evening”.
A part of you believes that, when other people are upset, furious or miserable, it's your fault because you did something wrong.
That makes their experience about you when it’s not.
2 What's driving my desire to manage their emotions?
When you feel the urge to help your teenager feel happier or calmer, it's usually about your own discomfort with them feeling upset. It’s an impulse from your system: things are not ok, do something/anything to restore my calm.
YOU feel dysregulated – not your teenager.
YOU want to feel better.
When you recognize the difference, you can see this more clearly as a learned survival response that got rooted in your nervous system. It's not just who you are and what you have to live with, it's how your system learned to meet its need for safety.
Your safety.
Your system.
Your regulation.
3 What would I do right now if their emotional state wasn't my responsibility?
Because it’s not your fault and it’s not yours to fix.
What, then, is your responsibility?
Some mothers I've worked with answered that their main responsibility feels like staying in their own integrity: an emotional and physical state that allows them to consistently say what they really mean and act in alignment with their values and beliefs.
Others say their responsibility is complete honesty, or being a model of healthy adulting, or putting on their own oxygen mask first, or being truly open.
What is it for you?
4 What do I most want in my relationship with my teen/ young adult?
See if you can name it
Is it being able to always have honest dialogue, make requests of each other without inciting conflict, take responsibility for one’s actions, listen deeply to each other, reach agreements without compromising your values, be open to learning new things about each other, refrain from judgements, laugh together, engage in joint problem solving, appreciate how the world is seen by each other, discuss concerns without blame, understand roles and responsibilities, create an environment of acceptance, actively build trust, tune into to what matters to each other, feel seen and heard, enjoy time together, respect each other’s boundaries, feel a clear heart connection…
What's your top priority?
5 How do I reconnect to the peace in the core of my being?
When you feel the impulse to do something/anything, direct your attention away from managing your teenager and back to yourself and things that you can actually control.
What's your way of doing this? Is it giving yourself a hug, lowering your shoulders, box breathing. naming five things you can see, swaying side to side, asking your ancestors/ angels/ guides for a little support, stepping outside for some fresh air, drinking a glass of Yin Yang water, saying you're calming mantra, sensing the contact between the floor and the bottoms of your feet…
Name it clearly for yourself.
Write it down.
Post it on your bathroom mirror.
~
All of us mothers - every single one of us - have work to do in separating ourselves from our kids’ feelings. It’s necessary in this chapter of parenting as they move out into their own lives.
We make these changes in our inner landscape so we can be stable and balanced in ourselves regardless of what's happening for them. So we are grounded and can keep ourselves from plummeting into guilt or jumping into fix-it mode.
And each time we do it, we cultivate a steady presence that supports them a hundred times more effectively than most of the desperate things we do to try to make them happy.
Our steadiness tells their system, “Here’s a place to co-regulate.”
It tells their body, “You are safe.”
It tells their heart, “This love is here for you.”
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