How to Stay Connected with a Yelling Teenager
- Lori K Walters
- 7 hours ago
- 5 min read
I have excellent hearing - which is both a blessing and a curse. I can hear the little birds way up in the tress and the music playing in the park down the road, but I can also hear every single barking dog and squealing tire. I can hear people talking from a greater distance than most, which makes it very difficult to concentrate on one conversation in a restaurant.
It used to be hard for me to stay present when there's shouting because it was so amplified for me, and that led to some less-than-stellar parenting moments when my teenagers had their outbursts.
If you’ve got an extra loud or big-personality teenager/young adult in your life, todays’ article is for you.
It hits you hard.
Your conversation with your teenage daughter is turning into another argument. She becomes more agitated and her voice gets louder, and you feel like there’s a 747 coming right at you.
Her voice gets sharper, more demanding... and, although she hasn’t physically moved toward you, you somehow feel cornered. You can feel yourself getting smaller, sinking your posture, withdrawing eye contact. Looking for some way to escape.
Do you know that urge to flee? For me, that pattern connects back to times when I decided it was best to stay under the radar. No arguing, no eye contact. Just get out of the way, be small and silent. Of course, you've got your own story about learning to flee the loudness.
And even now, as grown women, we can get intimidated by yelling. Because when someone gets loud, part of us believes that we're going to be pushed to do something we don’t want to do.
But many people who get loud aren’t trying to dominate you, they’re trying to reach you.
And this might be what’s happening with your teenager.
It may be that, underneath the volume, they’re afraid you’re going to walk away, and they’ll be left alone in something that they’re not sure they can handle.
Or their yelling may be fueled by confusion in their heart: Why don't you care about this like I do? Why won't you meet me here? Why do you feel so far away?
Their delivery feels intense, even overpowering to your system, but it may be a plea for closeness. You fear that they’re yelling to defeat you when really, they desperately want you to be with them.
Here's an important distinction: When some people feel a threat to an important connection, they tend to withdraw or slide into people-pleasing. But for others, maybe your teenager too, there's more of a tendency to escalate their effort to keep the connection.
So, in the heat of the argument with your teenage daughter, when you feel a booming 747 coming right at you, there’s no point in yelling “stop yelling” - that won't soothe her fear.
And backing away doesn’t work either. When you withdraw, physically or energetically, they will try to bring you toward them by getting louder. It sets up a cycle of pursuit-withdraw-pursuit-withdraw which, you may already know, causes more confusion and frustration.
Nobody wins and the gap between you widens.
Staying Connected with a Yelling Teenager
Staying connected with a yelling teenager requires you to recognize two things. First, your judgment of them as ‘too loud’ is really a description of your own feelings. With my sensitive hearing, I have to keep remembering this. And second, it's your reaction that creates the most suffering for you.
When these truths fully land in you, body, mind, heart and soul, you shift into a different position - a position where you can finally let go of
striving to control or change your teenager,
berating yourself for not being able to communicate with them,
feeling guilty for wanting to get away from them,
telling yourself you did a crappy job of raising them.
You immediately have more agency. You can put your efforts into connecting with your Self and creating the kind of space where something different can happen between you two.
4 Ways of Interacting with Someone You Perceive as Too Loud
Be Bigger
One way to stay connected to yourself around a big personality is to get big yourself. Not dramatically or aggressively, just claiming a little more airtime in the conversation or taking up another inch or two on the sofa.
And that might feel outside your comfort zone so I invite you to try it, like 10 times. And then here are some things to reflect upon:
Q. What have you been telling yourself about how much space you deserve?
Q. What feels like it would be at risk if you were bigger?
Slow It Down
The longer you wait to jump in, the harder it becomes, so you might need to interject,
I can see this really matters to you. Can we take a breath and slow it down so I can actually hear what you're saying?
Can you give me a minute? I’m going to get a glass of water and then we’ll talk.
I want to be connected and I am losing you. Can I tell you what I think I heard so far?
Again, if this feels like a growth edge for you, adopt it as a daily practice and then explore:
Q. When you claim a moment, what happens in your body?
Q. What does an extra moment make possible for you?
Shift the Energy
Use your body to shift the energy in the room. This could be sitting down, changing your stance, repositioning your arms, taking a few steps, leaning forward or touching their arm.
Reflection Questions
Q. How does a physical move affect what you do or say next?
Q. How does it affect the quality of the space between you and your teenager?
Focus on Their Needs
When their volume begins to increase and you feel the urge to run and hide, filter out the content of their words for a few seconds and sense into the deeper feelings and needs that underlie them. I do this by slightly blurring my vision for a second; my friend gives herself a signal by touching her ear.
By not immediately taking in the complaint, criticism or argument, and recognizing their need for acceptance and belonging, you give your system a chance to shift into a more expansive state. And you'll be ten times more likely to stay connected in this state.
After you've tried it, consider:
Q. How does looking at deeper needs assuage your urge to react?
Q. Is your fear replaced by any other emotions?
Dear Mama, we’ve all reacted poorly to a loud teen, right?
“You can’t talk to me like that.”
“Come back when you’ve cooled off.”
“Grow up and get over it.”
And we’ve all felt that moment when the distance between our hearts and our kid's becomes a hundred miles. That sorrow that hits our mother’s hearts. That wishing we’d met the moment differently.
When you meet the need beneath the noise and acknowledge their fear, you become more capable of staying right there. Your heart feels softer and more open. And your connection with your teenager is maintained, even nurtured, in an exchange that could otherwise have left it ruptured.
The ability to do this is within you already, dear one. Developing a new way of relating with your teenager is about meeting who you already are, finding and nurturing those qualities, and gradually bringing them into your parenting. It's your sacred self-evolution.
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