You're Right, Your Teenager Isn't Listening to You
- Lori K Walters
- 20 hours ago
- 5 min read
If you’ve ever set a boundary with your teenager, only to have it ignored or contested, this article is for you.
It goes like this: You tell them you’re willing for them to take the car as long as they’re home by 9:30 pm. You tell them about 1o times and listen for some sound of acknowledgement.
And then, it’s quarter to 10 and there’s no sign of her.
10 o’clock…
Ten past…
Your stress level creeps up around your ears. You tell yourself you’re being disrespected and wonder where you’ve gone wrong with this kid. You feel disappointed and irritated and resolve never to lend them the car again.
Finally, she arrives home, walks into the kitchen, drops her stuff and asks if you put her green hoodie through the laundry.
You fill with red hot agitation, like a volcano that’s about to explode.
Is she purposely trying to push your buttons?
Was she ignoring everything you’ve said about being on time?
How could she be so __?
Pressure builds in your neck, your temples. Your stomach starts to writhe...
And the volcano erupts. You lecture her on responsibility and respect. You repeat for the fortieth time why the cut off is 9:30pm. You say you expect more from her.
And all the while, she looks at you... rather blankly.
It feels like they’re not listening and don’t even care about what you’re saying.
But wait, they’re actually not thinking or caring about what you're saying; they’re watching your reaction.
In fact, in those first few seconds, your teenager isn't listening. They aren’t even concerned about the reason or fairness of the rule. They’re taking in information about how you react when they don’t follow it.
In essence, they’re building a database of whether you’re likely to lecture, criticize, complain, negotiate, back down or erupt. A database that will influence many of their upcoming decisions.
Parents of teens make a mistake when they assume what their teenager is thinking about what they're being told. And these assumptions lead to skirmishes and stand offs that are way more intense than they need to be.
Parents also make it worse when they take it personally when kids question or disregard their boundary. When they argue that their friends have their own cars or can stay out until 11 pm, or when they say you’re being unreasonable, ruining their life, and don’t trust them, it’s not about respecting your authority.
They’re testing if you’ll be steady when they push up against it.
They’re wondering if you'll be a safe, stable place – even when they screw up, disobey, speak rudely, criticize you, express contrary ideas – and still be held. Teenage life is full of rapid fluctuations and they’re wondering if you'll be a non-fluctuating factor.
So, while you’re explaining your rule, pleading, arguing and trying to talk them into your desired behavior… You’re right, they aren’t listening. Because their brain is focused to what’s going to happen in the next few moments, right there in your conversation, not why the car has to be back by 9:30.
When you’re calm and consistent, repeat the boundary and follow through with the consequence, you confirm for their database that you mean what you say and you can still be counted on to be something steady in their life.
And then they trust you more.
And then they speak with you more about what’s going on in their lives.
Yes, they are going to test your boundaries. A teenager’s life is a physical, cognitive and emotional expansion and they are meant to feel all the way out to the edges and see what’s solid.
You don’t have much control over how they do that. What you do have control over is upholding your boundary, your response to your teenager and the energy you bring into their world.
Two Practices for Steadiness
1
Stand with your feet hip-width apart. Take a step back with your left foot and bend your knees into a partial lunge. Sink down and feel your balance supported by your feet, legs, core, shoulders and head.
Now imagine little birds flying toward you. Leaving your feet planted and stoop and sway to avoid them, all the while maintaining your balance.
Then do it with the other foot back.
Repeat for at least 10 days in a row and then answer these questions:
What capability is being built in you through this daily practice?
What supports you to stay steady in this practice?
What supports you to stay steady in difficult conversations?
And when your teenager challenges your boundaries, plant your feet, sink your hips a little and feel your solid stance beneath you.
2
Cultivate one new steady habit to strengthen your nervous system and protect your peace. Maybe it’s going to bed 30 minutes earlier, consistent hydration, daily stretching, reading or listening to music instead of doomscrolling, saying no instead of overcommitting your time, 0r ending a destabilizing friendship.
Repeat for at least 10 days in a row and then answer these questions:
What’s one thing you’re willing to do to protect your peace?
What are you noticing changing in yourself as you repeat this day after day?
On the days you miss, what story are you telling yourself?
How does this new routine support your steadiness in difficult conversations?
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There are a lot of unexpected twists and turns when you're parenting a teen or young adult. Some of them, you navigate. Others are hairpin turns that throw you right off balance.
When parents bring in support, whether it's a coach like me, a therapist or a trusted friend, it’s rarely because they’ve failed. It’s because they’re wise enough to surround themselves with a team.
If that sounds like what you need, book us a friendly Chemistry Call and we'll explore how we might work together.
And FYI...
When I started my coaching practice in 2019, I committed myself to the principles of conscious business and nothing has wavered in me since then. Here's what inspired me:
“Imagine a world where business is a force for good rather than greed. A world where the primary concern of business is the betterment of humanity and the furtherment of equality, health, and wellbeing for all people. A world where business owners genuinely care for their clients and customers and have their absolute best interests at heart. A world where the business owners who operate with the highest levels of integrity are the most prosperous. This is the world of conscious business. When we change the way we do business, we change the world.” ~ Caroline Leon
