The 3 Components of Upholding your Boundaries when Your Teenager Pushes Back

We’ve all been there: You state your boundary and they instantly push back. They bombard you with questions and objections like a lawyer, or attack you with scathing insults, or cry and blame you for ruining their life and threaten to never speak to you again, or beg you to give them another chance and please please be the one that believes in them.

It’s a lot to withstand and there’s a moment when your staying power dwindles and you either back down or go on the attack. And neither of these reactions actually uphold your boundary and you end up back at square one (sigh).

In my work with parents of teenagers, I’ve seen three elements that are needed:

1 Clarity

What exactly is your boundary? It’s the obvious question but our answer often gets muddied by rules we had to follow when we were younger, what we think is reasonable, how tired we are, our desire to keep the peace and the many definitions of boundaries: comfort zone, dealbreakers, instructions, respect, walls that protect me, where I draw the line…

But when it comes to raising teenagers, the concept of boundaries is the amount you can give/ take while maintaining a regulated nervous system and loving both them and you.

You need to do the inner exploration to know what’s important to you, what you want/ don’t want to happen, how you want to be treated and what’s going to be truly ok with you. Without this clarity, your attempts to have things go a certain way will fail.

2 Flexibility

Teenagers don’t see the world through your eyes; they see it through their own and their counterarguments are real for them. And sometimes, their reasons are so compelling that you agree with them. Not because you’re confused or worn out, but because it truly feels OK with you or, just as importantly, you’re willing to try it and see if it’s OK for you.

It’s worth mentioning here that, when we recognize a pattern in ourselves, there can be an urge to flip to the opposite. But if you have a habit of backing down, the goal isn’t to develop ultra-rigid boundaries. And if you’re usually stern and unyielding, you shouldn’t try to become submissive. There’s a place in between for you.

3 Firmness

In addition to being great debaters, young adults can also be intense cajolers, guilters, complainers and blamers, and the force of their words can hit us hard. “Her objections come at me like a hundred darts… I feel like I’m crumbling inside… Her sheer volume makes me nauseous and I feel like I’d do anything to make it stop.”

The ability to be firm when your boundary is being pushed against by your teenager (or trampled into the mud) requires you to first steady your body, then your mind and then your heart.

Let me ask you this: When you say, “I want to receive a text when you’re going to be late”, and they say, “But we were finishing our homework, Josh lost his keys, Peyton is having a difficult time with her dad and I had to support them, My boss was late posting the work schedule…”, what happens in your body?

Would you say it’s a rolling boil in your chest, squinting eyes and a headache coming on, shakiness all over, it gets hard to swallow, you feel short of breath or something else? These are powerful signals that what’s important to you is at risk of being lost.

Firm boundaries require steadiness in your body, so learn how to steady yourself in the moment when it’s all happening (not later, “I wish I had done this… Next time, I’ll…”)

Right when your temples begin to squeeze, do you need to close your eyes for a second or place your hand on your forehead? Right when your belly starts to churn, how can you soothe it before you say or do anything else? If you’re shaky, do you need to plant your feet or rub your arms? Would a deep breath help your nervous system sync with your values and intentions?

You need just one way of reinforcing your stability that you can remember in the heat of the moment. What works for you?

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Steady your body and you’ll be able to steady your mind…

What story runs through your head when they object to, ignore, question or disparage your boundary? “What an ungrateful jerk, They always try to manipulate me, This backtalk is disrespectful and I need to put an end to it...”

Maybe that true. But what’s more likely is that a young human who is undergoing a complete internal makeover, while trying to learn how to fly on their own, just encountered a sizeable speed bump. Of course, they’re going to push against it – not to anger you or break your heart - but to find out if there’s a way to navigate around it or if it’s clear and firm.

So be clear and firm. Validate their perspective and repeat your boundary clearly and concisely. “I understand that you think/feel ___ and I want to receive a text when you’re going to be late.”

Keep it level.

You don’t need to escalate the tone or gain power over them (“Because I said so, Show some respect, Too bad if you don’t like it.”)

You don’t need to raise the ante (“OK now you’re grounded for two weeks”) or the volume. You don’t need to make their objection mean everything about your relationship. (“You always…You don’t care about me…”)

And you don’t need to look for an escape door. You’re OK. Feel your legs under you, sense your spine and listen. Hold steady as they snarl, persuade, yell, cry, etc. and let them have their say.

Then, once again, “I understand that you think/feel ___ and I want to receive a text when you’re going to be late.”

This is standing firm. You don’t need to use different words, candy-coat it or explain yourself. This is what’s true for you. This is the amount you can give/ take while maintaining a regulated nervous system and loving both them and you.

When you let them know that the speed bump really exists, you give them something that’s firm and solid in their rapidly changing, tidal waving, swirling, crashing world. They need this steadiness from us (though they won’t admit it until they’re 30).

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And finally, dear parent, hold your heart steady.

When they say things that hurt, let your love deflect those arrowheads. They’re not really meant for you. Your teen is expressing the frustration that’s built into adolescence: feeling compelled to fly, feeling the risks both of staying and of leaving, having to test their wings over and over, some days so sure of themselves and others, deep down, wondering if they’ve got what it takes to make it out there.

In all of this, you feel like an anchor so, of course, they’ll direct frustration toward you. But it doesn’t mean your relationship is ruined, that you’re doing a bad job of parenting or that they don’t love you. Because they do. That’s why they feel they can push against your boundaries. It’s where they learn how adults uphold their boundaries.

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You know, “boundaries” is an unfortunate word because it makes us think of cement walls and lines in the sand. But boundaries are more like green fields where you walk out and meet them. It’s a space where you figure out your ways of being with each other at this stage of your relationship.

Thinking of boundaries like walls has you saying and doing things that push them farther away. Being firm and kind, hearing them out and upholding what’s important to you, being flexible and steady - this creates the space where their heart can still stay close to yours as they figure out how to differentiate from you and fly on their own.

Previous Articles: Why it’s So Hard to Set Boundaries with our Young Adult Children, How to Tell if You Need to Set a Boundary with Your Teen or Young Adult Child

Guided Meditation: Parents Bridging the Distance to Their Young Adult Child