Stay True to Yourself When You Go Home for the Holidays

There’s a thing that happens to you on the way to our parents’ house for a holiday dinner. You start out as a mature, grounded, self-directed adult and by the time you’re pulling into their driveway, you can feel yourself surrendering your truth and your autonomy. “Here we go again.”

You fall into old patterns. You let your sister second guess your latest decision or poke holes in your plans. You let your parents instruct your children in ways you wouldn’t. Your affirmations, “I am enough, I’m a grown up, I have a voice, I am grounded, etc.” are nowhere to be found. You tell yourself to hang on, it’ll only be 3 more hours until you’re free again.

There’s such a Push and Pull visiting your family of origin. On the one hand, we have an elemental desire to belong and feel familial warmth. On the other hand, we want to be seen and appreciated as we are at this point in our lives, with the wisdom we’ve gained and ways of living we’ve adopted.

Both are fundamental human longings. And they feel like contradictions.

How can you express yourself honestly and still do what it takes to belong? 

Where’s the balance between being true to yourself and true to your clan?

Entangled in Unspoken Rules

Every family has a set of implicit agreements: “This is what we share, this is what we keep hidden, this is how we communicate, that’s something we never do, etc.” And at our family gatherings, we usually end up falling in line with those agreements. They've been running in our veins for decades, repeated, reenacted and reinforced. It's what our system knows.

Here are some clues to the understood agreements in your family of origin:

• What conversations feel oh-so-familiar? 

• What topics are avoided?

• Does someone’s opinion reign supreme? Is someone’s opinion routinely discounted?

• Do we avoid subjects that could cause discomfort or do we tend to instigate controversy?

• Do we avoid certain emotions? What levels of emotion are acceptable?

• Do we criticize ourselves, our partners or our kids before anyone else can?

• Is it acceptable to ‘toot our own horn’ or praise someone else?

• If conflicting opinions arise, do we quickly change the topic or pull up a seat to watch the show?

• Do we focus on ‘fixing’ certain family members while they’re out of the room?

• Are complaining and commiserating one of our ways of building connections?

• How do we tend to maintain harmony or comfort?

Being able to recognize these agreements in your family of origin, honestly and specifically, is the first step to breaking free and claiming your freedom to show up authentically.

Seeing Your Role

Now it’s time to get honest with yourself about the role you play in this code of conduct.

• What rules are you sure to enforce or follow?

• In what kinds of situations do you acquiesce to unspoken rules?

• What stance is your family used to seeing you take? How would they describe your role?

• What do you tend to see as your natural or safest route?

• What words would describe the role you play in the family dynamic?

• How is this behaviour misaligned with who you are now? What does it cost you?

Shaking the Mobile

 To bring your true self more fully into your family of origin, you need to get crystal clear about what you want to happen instead of the old code of conduct.

Consider the habits and agreements you listed above.  What’s one thing you’d like to play out differently at your next family gathering? Maybe you’ll make a point of mentioning the strengths of the person who always ‘needs fixing’. Maybe you’ll refrain from criticizing yourself or your own family. Or you’ll offer potential solutions along with your complaints.

Small steps, slow and steady; this is how patterns are shifted.

And maybe it feels risky to break the rule or upset the balance...

What unpleasant outcomes are you imagining (whether they’re likely or not)?

What feels like it’s at risk?

You can expect emotions to run through you, your body to caution you and your head to say, 'Eeek, are you crazy?' How will you allow this discomfort in yourself and make your new move anyway?

How can you bring more of the current ‘you’ forward in conversations?

Imagine your family as a mobile hanging in the sunlight with different beads and shells on different coloured strings. Then think of making a move that jiggles everyone – not so much that they are flung wildly left and right, crashing into each other, but just enough for them to see things from a slightly different angle.

And take note: you are also under the family spell and so you too must have your equilibrium ruffled in ways you might not have expected. You must allow yourself to be in that motion as the family mobile finds its new place of balance.

Freedom for All

I’m certain that I was born into my family to learn - and I continued to do so. There were rules I emphatically rejected and others I still follow. There were periods when I kept my distance from them and times when I yearned for their closeness.

I have compassion for my parents and siblings because they too are struggling on the mobile and trying to make sense of the rules that run in their veins when they go home for the holidays. They too want to feel a sense of belonging. They too want to be seen and accepted as the adults they are now.

By doing something differently and moving the family mobile, we can help the dynamics change in ways that allow everyone to bring their authentic selves to dinner and rest into an environment of greater acceptance and love.

And finally, a question for you when you get back home:

What unspoken rules have been created in your home for your kids and what changes do you want to make to foster more acceptance and connection?

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Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash