
If you and I met for a cup of tea and I told you how angry I was with my boss, partner or neighbour, you wouldn’t tell me to tone it down or just get over it. You wouldn’t tell me that my anger was unwarranted. And you wouldn’t lecture me about being grateful for my job, marriage or neighbourhood. You would see me as a human in distress and listen with compassion.
And so, I’m wondering, can we do the same for our teens, who are still learning how to navigate their emotions? When your teenager is always angry? Can we give them the same space and compassion when they’re in distress? What would that require of us?
What underlies their anger
Adolescence is like being in a pinball game of emotions. They go through one emotion after another and, at this stage, experience some emotions deeply for the first time.
This requires kids to make sense of the myriad feelings rocketing through their systems and, as if that wasn't enough, somehow communicate them effectively to others. That’s a tall order for someone whose entire body and brain are reconfiguring and stumbling up against barriers over and over again. Of course, they’re frustrated.
And sometimes, anger is the easiest emotion to express, even if it doesn’t accurately reflect what they’re feeling underneath. For now, until they understand what's below the surface, their system tells them to go with something that's easily understandable, anger. For any teenager (and many adults) who lack skill in emotional regulation, expressing anger is a release valve and a way to cope with the intense discomfort of more complex emotions.
At the same time, teens are heavily influenced by their peer groups and social norms, both of which tend to dictate that expressing anger is more acceptable than acknowledging feelings like apprehension, inadequacy, sorrow, loneliness, insignificance, overwhelm or helplessness, which can be seen as signs of weakness. Just like us, teenagers use anger like a shield to protect themselves from feeling their tender underbellies exposed.
If they've had experiences in the past in which they expressed anger and managed to escape criticism or aggression from others, it makes sense that they continue to rely on anger as a way out. Their system says, well, if it works…
Our job as parents is to recognize that our teenager’s anger may be signaling underlying emotional struggles such as these, or other troubles that they are unable to even identify, let alone communicate.
Toddlers and Teenagers
My son used to have tantrums when he was small. It was exhausting, frightening and very confusing. Sometimes I felt his pain so intensely that I became lost in it and, other times, I thought it was manipulative behaviour that I shouldn’t give in to. It took me quite a while to learn that it was his plea for help to be able to tolerate his own emotions.
I think we all agree that empathy for a toddler when they’re having a tantrum isn’t rewarding bad behaviour; it’s meeting a need for connection and understanding. And... empathy for a teenager when they’re exploding or having a meltdown is meeting those same needs.
Our goal is to help them learn how to experience anger without being drowned by it and develop healthy ways to express it.
And if we’re going to help them at all, we need to stay connected.
The first point of connection is energetic.
Love is all around us. It falls with the rain and settles on the branches and our hair. It lights the stars, the phosphorescence in the ocean, and our hearts. And connecting with your angry child involves connecting with that Big Love. Opening yourself to the love that’s always available and sensing it flowing in and out of you with every breath. Seeing yourself IN the Love and AS Love as you genuinely allow them to have the experience they’re having.
Lots of people talk about creating a container to hold space for another person. From my own experiences working with the unseen energies, I don’t think of it as creating a sacred space but more a process of opening channels and spaces in the sacredness that already exists.
In sacred space, there is room for both your energy and your adolescent’s energy. If you are unwilling to be in a shared space with your angry teen, then genuine connection won’t be possible. If your fear has you raising walls or your temper has you barking objections, you can’t connect.
But when we open from own centers, expand our openness out through the pores of our skin and radiate it from our hearts until it fills the space that contains both of us, we are connected. Our teen registers, right there and then, that they are in a welcoming, accepting, understanding space. Overall, abiding connection, the kind of connection most parents are longing for, is built in such moments.
How do you hold a space that welcomes your child in their wholeness?
In what ways are you willing to be present to their experience of anger?
The second point of connection is physical.
When your teen is fuming, there’s a good chance that they don’t want a hug, but you can still offer physical connection through your body language. This can include sitting next to them, making eye contact, using a comforting voice, showing empathy on your face, putting a hand on their shoulder, etc. to show that you’re going to be with them as they experience anger gushing through their systems. And that you’re going to stay.
If they don’t want to be physically close to you, give them time and space to figure it out. Even if they walk away, let them know that you’ll be right there. You know, most people, regardless of our age, want some physical closeness after we’ve had a meltdown.
So, even if they retreat to their bedroom and slam the door, maintain the connection by saying something like, “If you’re want me to come in, please call me.” Believe me, that’s a point of connection, small but impactful. Then stay attuned to them and be ready to give more physical closeness when they emerge.
What would be your ways of offering physical connection when your big kid is angry?
What will be required of you to let them feel it in their own way and on their own schedule?
A third point of connection is empathy.
During a rage, the brain works on a strictly emotional level and logic is barely accessible. So, meet your young adult on their emotional landscape first.
Forgo the reasons, platitudes and objections popping up in your mind and let your words focus on emotions first: “That sounds really hard. You must be so frustrated. I can hear the resentment/ outrage/ betrayal in your voice. Wow, that would be so annoying. No wonder you’re pissed off.”
Your child wants to know that you see and accept who they are, including the angry version. They want to be able to be themselves, feel free to experience and express the full range of human emotions and have their experiences confirmed as normal, real, important and acceptable.
Whether you were given that freedom of expression and affirmation in your youth or grew up in places where your anger wasn't allowed, all of us need to remind ourselves: it’s ok to feel anger and your anger is important. Breathe that in and allow it to kindle the empathy in your heart. Breathe it out toward your teenager: it’s ok to feel anger and your anger is important.
In what ways do you empathize with waves of anger?
What helps you understand, especially given their stage of development, how difficult and confusing it is when anger rises up in them?
Hold your heart open and meet them in this moment of anger with compassion. You don’t need to try to calm them down. If you’re telling them what they should or shouldn’t feel, that’s not empathy, it’s manipulation. And you don’t need to offer solutions; they can't really think right now. As you did over our cup of tea, just bring your genuine compassion for another human who is experiencing anger.
Connection happens in moments.
Teenagers learn to navigate their emotions by navigating their emotions. And what imprints on them is how their experience was met by you in the moment.
Even if it’s never given words, they are aware of your openness, your willingness to walk beside them, the love you shower on them and your kind eyes. They are aware that they were connected to you right when the anger swelled and threatened to drown them.
In the same way that you stood by while they learned to tie their skates and solve equations, stand by while they learn to travel through the storms of anger that gush into them. Trust that they register your presence and the connection between you. Trust that your love is felt.
Feelings offer a rich and rugged path to self-knowledge. If our children are to learn all that their emotions can show them, they have to feel them, especially the uncomfortable ones. May we give them the space and compassion to do that.
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