5 Moves Toward Peace with Your Teenager

“I’m not doing a good job with my 17-year-old,” she said. “I hate what’s happening between us. There’s so much strain and friction. And I feel awful because I’m not being the kind of parent I hoped I would be, the kind of person I am deep down inside… I know what I want to be able to do, what I wish I could say, but then I just can't do it, and I then feel bad about it all over again.”

Maybe you’ve said something like this somewhere along the way on your parenting journey or maybe you’re in it right now. And believe me, I know how exactly painful it is to look in the mirror and see someone different from the parent you imagined you’d be.

But even the most ingrained patterns can be loosened and even the most uncomfortable relationships can be repaired. Here are some places you might start: 

1. Notice your tensions and stories

Being able to observe yourself is an essential skill on the human journey. And luckily, we can train ourselves to notice when we’re holding onto something for too long.

Mind ~ Is this really what I’m upset about? What old stories is my mind replaying right now? What assumptions is it making? What risks are being imagined?

Heart ~ What emotions are arising in me at this moment? What are they here to tell me? How am I greeting them?

Body ~ Where is the tension expressing itself physically? What part of my body is asking for more room?

Spirit ~ What am I believing about how I’m held and supported? What am I doubting?

The more we use this ‘muscle’ of noticing ourselves, the more we develop our grounding. And grounding is the place from which we can let go. Feeling at peace with your parenting means willingly letting go, again and again. 

2. Recognize what you can and cannot control

One of the main things we must let go of is our illusions about how much is within our control. And we need to let go of it a hundred times because we humans develop exaggerated ideas of what we control in this life. And as parents, we have misconceptions about what weshouldcontrol and unrealistic expectations of what wemustcontrol.

When your almost-adult child acts dangerously or foolishly or does something you can’t otherwise abide, you immediately feel panic, fury or grief pumping through your veins. And you experience an extremely strong urge to make things go in a certain direction. Your brain quickly visualizes a direction that will get your kid on what you deem a positive path and remove the uncomfortable tension you’re feeling. And so, you set upon ‘making’ it happen.

But this usually clashes with the reality of how little you can actually control - your physical actions, your words, and your intentional thoughts. That’s it.

And that can be sooooo frustrating and humbling.

It can scare you to the core.

It can also be freeing.

Most likely, it’s all of the above.

You can’t control who your child will meet today, what their boss will say, what feelings their partner will express, how they will spend their money, what they will think about themselves…

What’s called for is setting your radar to help you catch yourself trying to control things outside of your sphere and then self-compassionately reminding yourself that your peace requires you to let go.

Here's an article I wrote on this last year: Parenting teens means accepting what you cannot change

3. Discern when to speak and when to remain silent

This is a powerful capacity and it’s often a game changer for the parents I work with in their relationship with their young adults.

“I feel like I have to jump in with a solution as quickly as possible.”

“I’ve got some good advice and I’m going to make sure they hear it.”

“I can’t help myself, I just have to ask if they’ve done their homework.”

“He contradicts and criticizes me and, of course, I’m going to defend myself.”

Thing 1: Your mind is generating thoughts all the time, pulling up echoes from past experiences, connecting to their words or actions from your own viewpoint, making meaning that isn’t there, reacting to a certain emotion, creating images… All. The. Time.

Thing 2: Not all your thoughts need to be taken seriously by you.

Thing 3: Many of them do not need to be spoken.

So, we learn how to shift from our heads down into our hearts and guts, which are our other trustworthy centers of intelligence. Your body will always tell you if your comment is reactionary or motivated by something intentional and necessary.

If it’s coming from your self or your Self.

4. Carry yourself for harmony

If your goal is peace in your relationship, then walk with peace. Carry yourself gently and calmly as you move through your day and notice all the ways in which peace comes toward you.

If your goal is mutual good-will, be the one who brings benevolence and generosity into the room and let it radiate into your home.

If your goal is harmony with your teenager, carry yourself with the intention of harmony. Breathe it in every morning. Let it infuse your words and actions. Let it surround you in all your interactions. Whether you’re joking around together or discussing difficult things, hold harmony at the center.

5. Go slowly

It’s a fact of nature that when you parent at a rapid pace, you have drastically less access to your wise mind and true heart.

Parents who want to feel peace in their parenting resist being pulled into the middle of the raging river and instead choose to paddle their canoes in the slower currents where they can cultivate their ways of returning to their steady, grounded center.

Whether that’s a biannual retreat to the mountains, weekly aikido classes, or 10 minutes of conscious breathing each morning, these things take time. This is the slowing down – making the conscious choice to follow through on your intention, practice and develop the steady, grounded place within you.

Because then you’re naturally more resourceful and more skillful. You can feel what’s in your heart and make wise decisions that build your relationship with your teenager, rather knee-jerk reactions that drive a wedge between you.

Moreover, when you choose to go slowly, you will respond in ways that feel more aligned with your true self. Deep down, you feel like you are in your parenting integrity.

That creates a feeling of internal peace that your teenager can feel shining all around you. It’s the energetic field in which you two can connect truthfully, genuinely, meaningfully and lovingly.

This is where you cultivate peace in your relationship.