How We Talk to our Big Kids about Grounding

Photo by Will Hulbert on Unsplash

I want to tell you a story about when I was 10 or 11, a freckle-faced kid in faded jeans. It was a sunny September afternoon and the poplars were ablaze with colours. My dad and I were up in the pasture checking the fence and fixing a gate before supper. We worked without much conversation, as was my dad’s way. The sun was warm, the sky was incredibly blue and I was happy just to spend some time with him.

When we had finished and gathered up the tools, I started back down the road but, a moment later, realized that he wasn’t behind me. I looked back and saw him standing still, looking out over the fields and the mountains beyond.

There was something about the way he was standing that told me to be silent. I could sense him taking in...something.

I think he was grounding himself, though I didn't have that vocabulary for it then. And that's certainly not what Dad would've said - it just wasn't something we talked about. But I'm pretty sure now that's what I witnessed in that moment.

And it stayed with me.  

Since then, I've grown as a parent and broken the old rules of what we don't talk about in our families, and this is the question on my mind today:

How do we talk to our kids to know that steady, true place inside them?

In our daily lives, this isn't a topic that comes up naturally - did you do your homework, did you ground yourself  - and it can become one of those things we don't get around to talking about enough. If you're looking for a way to start the conversation, here's a simple exercise you can do with your teen or young adult child. All you need is some paper and pens. 

First, everyone draws a shape to represent themself. It could be a circle, square, heart, or cloud. It just needs to be big enough that you can write both inside and outside of it.

Now, write inside the circle some signs that tell you you're grounded. Maybe it’s a calmness in your belly, knowing what really matters to you, being with friends, feeling your toes in the dirt, focused on doing what you love, autumn leaves, etc.

Next, outside the shape, write down signs that tell you that you've drifted away from your center.

These might be things like presuming, getting righteous, a sore neck, withdrawing, rushing, difficulty sleeping, exaggerating, controlling, doubting, watching TV, arguing, judging, faking interest, indigestion, whining, interrupting, drinking, ignoring, worrying, procrastinating, analyzing, rehearsing, concealing, getting embarrassed, policing, apologizing, etc.

Take some time to reflect on what you've written and then, the idea is to share a few things with each other. 

Your daughter or son might feel reticent to share and you can honour that in a number of ways:

• Give them time. “I'm going to make tea and we can take a few minutes to think about what we wrote and what we want to share with each other.” Or it could be a conversation for tomorrow or next week.

• Let it be enough. If they only choose to share one thing, don’t make meaning that isn’t there. Thank them and leave the door open.

• Respect their boundaries. If they don't want to answer a question, leave it there. There's nothing you have to know.

• Keep it light. This is just an opportunity for self-awareness and that nothing has to come from it i.e., there's no homework.

  
  

  Let your exploration be just that, an exploration, not an interrogation. You could ask if they noticed anything different from what they would have written last year. Or if they have new words for describing the feeling of being connected to themselves.

Developing their tools

As they become familiar with their ‘drift list’, you can also help them identify what helps them get grounded again. Parents have a tendency to jump to conclusions here, so remember that everyone’s tools are different and listen carefully for what really works for them. 

Offer your questions like little flashlights that might (or might not) illuminate some area of their self-awareness. What do you do to get re-grounded? What about that playlist makes you feel calm? What happens inside you when you close your eyes? 

Go gently and leave spaces.

What benefits do you notice? Where do you feel that? 

What other grounding tools have they got?  Is it doodling, seeing a sunset, stretching or talking with a friend? 

What grounding tools would they like to develop for themselves? Maybe they’d like to find a breathing app, go for more hikes, try aikido or take up journalling. How might they go about trying something new?

Why this matters

This is about supporting their ability to recognize when they feel at home in themselves and to know that as a home they can always return to.

And part of that is recognizing when they’re not in that steady, true place. “Oh, there’s that tight feeling in my chest” or “Hmm, I’m agreeing with everyone again.”

This is so valuable because when any of us can catch ourselves un-grounding, we can, with practice, interrupt the drift, remember ourselves and engage our tools to guide us back - back to the place that has us listening within and living in alignment with our true selves.

I can only imagine what impact it would have had on me if Dad had turned to me and said, “This autumn light makes me feel so calm and at home. What about you?”