I Found This Helpful When My Anxiety Was Driving My Parenting

Photo by James Wheeler on Unsplash

When you've got a teenager, you spend a lot of time in your head, trying to stay one step ahead of what's going on and how it might cause a meltdown, blow up or relapse.   

When it looks like things are about to deteriorate, your mind is running through what worked and didn't work last time. Why did saying, “I know this is hard for you” trigger them into a rage? Why did sitting beside them make them retreat even further? What would make them feel like they're being supported (instead of controlled, mistrusted, micromanaged, etc.)?  

To the outside world, it looks like you’re making breakfast or doing your job. But on the inside, your mind is scattered amongst 40 possibilities or just spinning one particular thought over and over. If only you had a crystal ball where you could foresee what's going to be required of you to make things OK - or at least not make them worse.

Even in those quiet periods when everything's going OK for them, you're still watching and just waiting for what's going to happen next. A text whooshes in and, even before you glance, you wonder if this will be “hi mom” or “I'm so stressed that I’m lying on the floor of my dorm room”. Wondering if the mark on their chemistry test is going to result in indifference or a panic attack? Wondering if you're going to have to drop everything, drive across town, activate their support team, or be on the other end of the phone for two hours, trying to solve problems you’re not trained to solve and/or offering the same ideas you’ve suggested a dozen times before.

Living in this state day after day leaves us distracted, unable to think rationally, focusing on worst case scenarios, unable to distinguish reality from assumptions, running an inner dialogue of self-blame, strategizing without information and continually generating possibilities for which you expect yourself to have an emergency response plan.

When so many words swirl around and around and around in our brains, we parent regrettably because we're trying to meet an emotional situation with a mental solution.

And our teens and young adults have a powerful radar for this kind of ‘miss’. They sense that we don’t really care, that we’re skimming over their problem, half-listening, just trying to get it over with, offering platitudes or saying things we don’t really mean.

And when our thoughts are spinning, they’re not totally wrong about that, are they?

Coming into your body is hard

Therapists, coaches, wellness practitioners and spiritual teachers talk about bringing our attention down from the head into the body. “Come into your body and come into the present moment,” they say. “Just breathe and be here now.”

And I agree, this is the most important move you can make when your head is spinning with worst case scenarios and strategies for approaching your teenager.

But coming into your body isn’t easy because, when you’re perpetual worrying about your kid, your body gets used to being tense.  And at the same time, your beliefs and emotional responses orient themselves around the imprint of that tension. It's a circular pattern.

I've had a long relationship with physical tension. I know how layers of tension build upon one another like plywood. My shoulders refused to be lowered, my stomach couldn’t process food, my heart raced and my mind was fogged up.

And when I would try to stretch or even just breathe deeply, my body would resist. "Nope, we can’t do that. We don’t have time. It’s not going to make any difference at all. That’s for other people. You’re stuck with tension."

I can’t tell you how many times I arrived at that wall, feeling like I was parenting poorly and passing my anxiety on to my kids and that there was no way out of that loop.

And as I tried more ardently to get out of my head, all it did was create more tension (sigh).

Finding your way to your Heart

Then I found a subtle shift from ‘I have to get out of my head’ to “I want to be in my heart.”

And I started doing this:

• Close my eyes and take a slow, deep breath. Reassure myself that I’m not under threat.

• Take another slow deep breath, crossing my hands in front of me, interlacing my thumbs and place them on my heart.

• Sense my breath flowing in and out of my heart.

• When my mind wants to take over, remind myself that no amount of thinking will relieve the tension. And return my attention to my heart.

• Continue breathing through my heart, keeping it comfortable and unforced.

• Acknowledge whatever feelings arise, “I’m feeling fear/ anger/ grief in my heart. It’s OK to feel this."

• Continue, in my own rhythm, until my breath is smooth and flowing.

You develop the capability to come down out of your head gradually. Very gradually... There's a very good reason the elders call the journey from the head to the heart the longest one you'll ever make: because it takes practice and patience.

And it calls for courage too, because you will continually encounter those layers that protect your precious heart and you'll have to dismantle them one by one.

Each time I peel one back, I arrive at a place of gratitude and grace in my heart.

And that relieves the tension in my body.

And that relaxes my mind.

A blessed chain reaction.

When you direct your attention in this way, you are more directly connected with to your parenting intentions. Things feel simpler. You don’t need to say a thousand words or endure more rehashing.

You’re in your heart. Your facial expressions and posture align with your heart. Your words come from your heart.

And when you have access to your heart's wisdom, you are more able to connect to the hearts of others.

With you on the journey,

                                 Lori

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