What's Really Happening when you're Judging your Teenager

Photo by Deanna Lewis on Unsplash

I got this message from one of my readers a couple of weeks ago: "I don't really want to admit it, but I am sometimes secretly judging my 20-year-old son. I love him a lot but, when it comes to some areas of life, I can’t help thinking that he’s a narrow-minded little jerk… I tell myself to be more compassionate, but these nasty judgements keep popping up and I feel really bad about it."

The truth is that no parent wants to be judging their young adult child. And yet, we do. Because we love them and want so much goodness for them. And because our brains are designed to form opinions about people (even our kids) and situations based on our own thoughts, emotions, observations and experiences.

We judge when we criticize their logic ("That doesn't even make sense"), label their behaviors as right or wrong ("You shouldn’t have done that"), assume their guilt ("Well, obviously, you must have said something that set her off") or adopt an air of moral superiority (“I would never do something like that.”)

If you allow me a few moments on my soapbox, I have some strong opinions about the way teenagers are generally judged... They are called lazy, although science tells us that teenagers need more sleep so that their brains and bodies can develop. They are blamed for being secretive and rejecting us adults, even though we know that they must develop their independence. They are labelled as emotionally dysregulated, when we adults also collectively lack these skills.

We judge them for not meeting our standards for success, while failing to recognize the ways in which they are succeeding and developing their own standards. They're seen as dangerous troublemakers because they have tattoos or wear big black hoodies, while forgetting the efforts we ourselves made to differentiate ourselves from our parents. We judge them for their partially informed opinions, even though that's what we are all operating on.

They are criticized for not assessing risk as well as adults, when in fact their brains can assess risk as well as us, as long as they're not in an agitated state of mind. We malign them for succumbing to exciting temptations, even though it's been shown that the adolescent brain creates more intense biochemical cravings and rushes.

And our youth feel these societal judgements deeply. They may say they don’t care or they may go get another tattoo, but everyone who’s stereotyped feels the looks they get and internalizes the brush with which they are being painted.

When we respond with disdain and superiority - to people with different opinions, the protesters downtown, our neighbours or our kids - we’re actually participating in the unkindness we oppose. Creating a culture of kindness and inclusion requires each one of us who is raising the next generation to stretch ourselves, expand our thinking, reach outside of our safe little circle and create common ground with others.

Especially our kids.

So they learn how it’s done.

Where do judgements come from?

Is it your own insecurities and self-doubt? Is it the media providing a constant barrage of standards that you can't possibly live up to? Is it because you lack empathy for others? Did you grow up immersed in disdain for people from other backgrounds? Were you judged harshly when you were young?

Whatever the source, judgement is fear.

Judgement is perhaps the most common form that fear takes. When you have internal judgmental thoughts or express them out loud, you are in a state of fear. It’s masquerading as righteous indignation at the moment but it’s fear underneath.

When you catch yourself in this, you have the opportunity to recognize it as fear and hit the brakes for five seconds.

I'm having judgmental thoughts about ___.

Underneath this, I am feeling fear.

Hello, fear.

I can feel the fear physically in my ___ (chest, knees, gut, hands).

Take a breath and, instead of opposing it, allow yourself to feel it. Let it to run its course.

And then ask yourself what it is that you deeply care about in regard to your young adult or the situation.

Sink your attention down to your heart and gut.

Wait and listen.

What is important to you here?

I value ___ or I need ___.

OK, it’s good to have that named.

Then let the energy of your righteous indignation flow toward your value or need itself.

Redirect the energy trapped in your disapproval and superiority into care.

Allow love to flow toward what really matters to you.

It’s not that your daughter called her boss a jerk and quit her job, it’s because you believe in perseverance or reliability. It’s not that your son is ranting and yelling, it’s because you need to be heard or you need a moment to center yourself.

Your fear stems from your deeply held values and fundamental needs. It's important so witness it with love.

If you’re thinking this sounds impossible for you, that’s ok. Whenever we choose to approach things differently, we can expect to encounter the old habits of our minds. The resistance might sound something like, “I can't just ignore that they're doing something wrong... This is foolish… Why should I be caring when he's obviously not?.. This is a waste of time...”

And when you hear these voices, you can recognize them as egoic reactions and acknowledge the fears that are generating them. You can pivot, whether it's 5° or 180°, to a more heartful and intentional response.

That’s when we can really connect with our kids - heart to heart, listening to viewpoints different from our own, learning about each other’s values and consciously increasing our capacity to accept.

Just as we can develop our ability to refrain from judging others by challenging our mind’s automatic assumptions, we can do so with our young adults.

Just as we can become more empathetic toward those we judge by walking in their shoes, trying to feel their experiences and see from their perspectives, we can do so with our young adults.

And just as we can develop compassion and connect with other people's emotional experiences on a deeper level, we can do so with our young adults.

When this feels hard, recognize that your judgements are underlain by your fear, and your fear is trying to express something that's important to you deep down – an intrinsic value you carry or a significant need you have. Let that, and love, be your guides.

With you on the journey,

Lori