Getting unStuck in your relationship with your Teenager

Photo by Lori K Walters

I've yet to meet a parent who hasn't, at some point, felt completely stuck in their relationship with their teenage or young adult child.

It’s that feeling of being on a roller coaster 24/7 and not knowing how to get off.  You make plans to stay calm and listen but, the next thing you know, you’re doing that thing again. You can feel yourself playing out some old belief that you have to

a) fix their problems (“Here’s what you should do…”)

b) protect them (“OMG, that’s a terrible idea”)

c) be respected (“I do so much for you”), or

d) <add your habit here>.

Sometimes, you’re floating above the scene, watching yourself go around and around the same old loop-de-loops; other times, you can actually see your white-knuckled hands and hear your internal screams.

We all have a different story when it comes to feeling stuck. For me, it’s an image of trying to cross a big swamp, my feet sucked down by the muck, and legs pushing against the water. So much effort and so little progress.

One of my clients described herself running in a dense fog for days and weeks, having completely no sense of direction and no landmarks to guide her, hopeless, helpless, just running and running and getting nowhere.

However stuckness feels to you, there's a common thread: no matter how hard we try, we can’t get where we want to go. So how do you go about getting unstuck in your relationship with your teenager?

Seeing your next step

In my decades of self-exploration, I'll admit, there have been times (ok, there still are) when I pushed myself to delve into a complex issue that was limiting me and find a way to move forward. There's a stern inner voice that says, “Just figure it out and Get Going Forward.”

When I hear that voice, I’ve learned to stop and consider the opposite, “What if I don't push myself? What if I read a novel by the ocean and give my spirit guides room to do what they need to do?” 

The second option isn’t about letting myself off the hook, it’s about building my sense of agency and reconnecting to the bigger mystery. And I need that, because the voice in my head that says that I need to ‘keep pushing forward’ can be pretty loud. I’m so used to hearing it that sometimes part of me forgets that there's any another option.

When I hear myself saying, “I have to”, I take 3 seconds to consider the complete opposite. Instead of going, I could be still. It doesn’t matter which one I choose, if either; what matters is that I remember that I don’t “have to” follow the same old pattern.

And if you flip the coin in slo-mo, you’ll see that there are a whole bunch of perfectly good options between heads and tails.

The point is: we can choose.

Here are some other have-to's you might like to flip over when you feel stuck:

• The need to be continually understanding, compassionate and open. Or maybe you need to shout your rage, stomp and shudder, and lay blame where it needs to be lain.

• Telling yourself to think positively. Or put on Ennio Morricone's soundtrack to The Mission really loud, feel the despair and cry your eyes out.

• The belief that you must sort your opinions and rationales before you speak or act... Sometimes you just need to put it all out there, raw and messy, and allow whatever happens next to give you direction.

• You’re a parent, you need to put your energy into serving others... And sometimes you need to put yourself first. Before ANY one else.

• The story that you've got to be serious about parenting, do it right, have it all together… Compared to the truth that sometimes you need to flounder around, let it fall apart, make mistakes and remember how foolish it is to think we're in control of anything.

Let's pause a moment here.

When do you hear an inner voice saying, “I have to”? ____

What would be the complete opposite? ____ 

Sometimes I imagine holding the opposites in my hands. I turn toward one and notice how I feel about it, then to the other. Then I move my head slowly from one to the other, stopping at points in between and feeling all the possibilities that are available to me between polar opposites. 

What are some possibilities available to you?  ____ 

What's enough for today?

Many of the parents that come to me for coaching believe that they need to find the next right step, the one that's going to fix everything in their relationship with their teenager. And I think all of us know what it feels like to be at the end of everything you can think of, the desperation and inadequacy. It makes sense that they go looking for the One Excellent Move that will change the whole scene.

But that's not how it happens

Your next step is not a giant leap. It's not a big 180° in your life. And there isn’t one perfect step that takes you from where you are (e.g. daily yelling matches with your 15-year-old, or no conversations at all) to where you want to be (medium-temperature conversations that cook and bubble but don't boil over).

This is one of the reasons that parents feel overwhelmed - the pressure we put on ourselves to have a really good game plan for dozens of situations we had never even imagined being in. No wonder we get stuck.

We can alleviate some of our expectations of ourselves by shifting our focus from the elusive, excellent solution to just one next step in the right direction. Instead of setting a goal like ‘I want my daughter and I to feel comfortable around each other’, it would be kinder to yourself, and more realistic, if you focus on today. 

Today when she comes into the room, I'm going to feel the soles of my feet solidly on the floor. Or today I'm going to notice moments that feel good in our relationship. Or today I'll wait five seconds before I respond so I'm more thoughtful about what I say. Or today I'm going to secretly send her waves of love. 

That's what I can do today.

And it's enough.

Relationships with our kids are built day by day, and interaction by interaction. They aren’t the product of elaborate plans but the accumulation of little moments when our hearts, minds and souls connect with theirs. 

~

Before you go, if there’s a spot in which you’re feeling stuck, I invite you to sit quietly for five minutes with the question, ‘What might be my next step?’

Instead of pushing for an answer, hold the question gently. Allow your breath to open little spaces in your body. Wait for something to be revealed to you, an image, a colour or a glimpse of an idea, something that comes from something deeper within you and/or from something out there beyond you.

Trust what arises.

Trust that it’s enough for today.

Read about how you might work with me HERE.