Sparing our kids from the Apology Ache
- Lori K Walters
- Jun 4
- 3 min read
There are plenty of things that can hold us back in our development as parents. And one of those barriers is an unhealed relationship with our own parents and waiting for an apology that may never come.
I'm intimately familiar with hoping to hear my mother understand and acknowledge how she had hurt me in my childhood. I believed that somehow the words, “I am sorry," would erase my wounds and the way I saw myself because of them. That they would automatically change the habits I’d built around relationships and, that once and for all, I would feel whole and free.
Of course, this was an illusion, one that is shared by many.
Kelly McDaniel, author of Mother Hunger, calls this the Apology Ache, ‘a longing for someone to see how they hurt you and apologize’. And this kind of longing can hold us back from growing into the truest version of ourselves as parents.
As long as we imagine that an apology is the only way to be rescued from the unresolved wounds of a dysfunctional childhood (which we all had, to one degree or another), we end up harboring resentment, blaming our challenges on others and perpetuating behaviors that we know, deep down, don’t align with the kind of parent we want to be.
It's like yearning for your hurt to be properly seen and understood puts you in the Arrivals area, waiting for the doors to swing open and your solution to walk straight toward you and give you a hug.
The problem is that that holding pattern, in many cases, causes infection around the original wound. Waiting and waiting, you wonder, “When is the apology coming? Why is it taking so long? Is there something even worse about me that made them treat me like that?” And that inflammation leaves you unable to see all the other doors through which your healing could enter.
What have you subconsciously been postponing until the apology from your parent comes? What have you been believing it will change in you?
And what if never comes?
There’s no guarantee when it comes to apologies. I won’t be hearing the apology I wanted because my mom died. Others won’t be hearing it because one of their parents lacks the capacity to understand how their child was impacted or the maturity to take responsibility for the pain they caused.
And then what?
When we realize we might never receive that acknowledgement, we release ourselves from the Arrivals area and can then step into grief.
Yes, grief.
You allow yourself to mourn what you didn’t receive, and the pain can move through. Contracted places in your heart begin to expand. Pointless thought loops quieten. Protected, clenched places in your body begin to open and trust.
In grief, we find compassion for ourselves. We take off the heavy victim cloak, layer by layer, thread by thread. Our vision clears and we finally see the other doors through which our healing can come.
One of those doors is forgiveness.
Last year I wrote about forgiveness being essential to the parenting journey and breaking generational cycles. But today I'm wondering if the idea that you need to forgive your parents is another cage that keeps you from healing your wounds as best you can and learning ways to abide the scars that stay.
What we pass on
All this has me thinking about the apologies that my own kids might be yearning to hear. I recognize where I hurt them, where my anxiousness impacted them, where my reactive words left scars, where my narrow perspectives doused their ideas and passions. I'm sorry for the pain I caused.
But even more than that, I want my young adult children to walk forth in their lives and relationships without aching for apologies from me.
Reflection Questions
What do you feel when you think about the apology ache?
How do talk to your young adult about their childhood wounds?
How will you know when they need to hear one of your apologies?
What will be required of you to make it in such a way that it brings both of you healing?
