The Love between My Teen and I was Ruined that Day

Photo by Sergey Pesterev on Unsplash

Alexis thought all was lost.

Her son had caused some trouble at school for the third time in a month. On the way home from the meeting with the principal, she just couldn't keep her anger contained and she delivered a scathing lecture that she’ll “regret forever.”

And then her son went quiet. For weeks. Avoiding eye contact and refusing to say anything beyond yes, no or I’m going out. 

It wasn’t the first time she’d been through something like this. Raising a kid with ADHD had challenged her again and again and she was doing everything she could to follow all the expert advice, stay in the principal’s good graces and help her son learn to manage his big emotions.

“I’ve always tried to keep things between us calm but, honestly, it's really frustrating and exhausting, always two steps forward and one step back. It was more manageable when he was younger. Now that he's a teenager, he wants to manage his life on his own and make his own decisions.”

No matter what their challenges are, our teenagers want to feel independent.  They need to. It’s a basic component of adolescence, not a matter of ‘will’ but a matter of biology. Alexis knows this and she wants to give him more autonomy. At the same time, though, she experiences a LOT of stress around whether he can handle things or not. Because when he makes mistakes there are big consequences.

When Alexis tried to re-open communications, her son’s feelings flooded out: “You're always on my back... You’re a terrible mother... I can hardly wait until I can move out and never see you again!”

Se didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to make things worse.

And then things got worse.

There was a serious incident at school and more tense talks, which ended with her son shouting, “You want me to live at home forever... You don’t even have a life if you’re not harassing and controlling me. I’m not listening to you anymore. I hate you.”

Alexis was distraught. She’d withstood outbursts like this before, but this time it felt lethal. How could she come back from being despised like that?

As she told her story, her shoulders caved forward and the depth of her despair filled the space. “The love between us was ruined that day. I’m living on eggshells every day and I hate to admit it but sometimes I just try to avoid him altogether. I’m losing hope.”

A balm for those bleak times in parenting

If you ever feel that pile of bricks that Alexis felt on her chest, I want to offer you this simple practice:

Take a slow, deep breath and ask yourself, “Is there love even here?”

That’s it.

So simple.

Do it when you’re discouraged, enraged, exhausted, worried, intimidated, aching…

Do it when you can’t feel your heart connection with your teenager.

Do it often.

Listen inward, “Is there love even here?”

What you will find is that the answer is yes, even when your teenager growls at you and slams the door, love still pulses in your hearts. Even when you yell something reprehensible, love still connects you. Even when they're sitting across the kitchen table and won't make eye contact, love is here.

Alexis’s discovery

As we explored, Alexis realized that part of her had become prone to assuming the worst in her interactions with him. She would begin to lose hope as soon as they started talking.  “It’s involuntary. My heart sinks and I just know that both of us are going to get hurt.”

Going deeper into the landscape of her heart, beneath her despair, we came upon an old belief she had that the presence of conflict meant a lack of love i.e., If we really loved each other, we’d agree on things.

Maybe you’re familiar with this way of thinking. Or maybe you’ve adopted some other beliefs about the presence or absence of love.  I invite you to pause here to consider this. Because when we can recognize these ingrained beliefs, we are simultaneously shown the path to shifting out of not only the thought, but also the behaviors it sets in motion.

So, breathe gently and sense into the corners of your heart.

What tells you that love is present or absent between you and your teenager?

Are your indicators yelling, physical distance, dishonesty, defiance… something else?

Finish this sentence: “Part of me believes that love is absent when ______”

  Exhale.

Love is always here - it's built into the oxygen molecules.

You breathe in love 22,000 times a day and your teenager breathes in love 22,000 times a day. You are held and surrounded by universal love and your teenager is held and surrounded by universal love. You are made of light and love and your teenager is made of light and love. These things never change.

When they yell that they hate you, behave recklessly, freeze you out or breach your agreements, is there love even here?

Yes.

When you blurt out the cruel words, catastrophize, fail to listen or get hijacked by your own triggers, is there love even here?

Yes.

When your relationship feels off the rails or non-existent, is there love even here?

Yes.

Now take some deep breaths of love-infused air.

Let them seep into your bones and muscles.

Let them expand your heart and make room for even more love.

Even more love for yourself and even more love for your beautiful, complicated, annoying, delightful teenager.

  With you on the journey,

                                  Lori

Prefer to receive my articles in your inbox?

I'd be happy to have you join us.

Subscribe HERE.