Practical Practices to Shift Out of Fixing Your Teenager's Problems

Photo by Let's go Together on Unsplash

Last week’s article about resisting the urge to jump in and fix things for our teens garnered quite a few responses. So, here are some more practices that my clients have done to pivot to an approach that aligned better with their intentions for staying connected with their young adult kids.

PREET

Preet is grappling with a powerful need to get parenting right.

“I feel like, as the parent, I should always know the right thing. And I know that makes me over-defensive when it comes to arguments with my son. I just don’t want to be wrong or uncertain because that would make me feel like a failure as a parent.”

When there’s tension with her son, Preet experiences an overpowering pressure to have the right answer right now. Her breath becomes shallow and her body forces her to take action, like a firefighter being called to a fire. "My mind is so focused on figuring out the solution that I’m not really even listening to what he’s trying to tell me.”

Preet’s Practice:

Each day, designate 3 full minutes to take in a situation or vista. Begin by creating a sense of opening by straightening your spine and lifting your chest. Register your first impression of the scene very simply e.g., that’s a truck, that’s a soccer game, and then ask, “If I keep looking and listening, what more can I learn?”

There may be a part of you that suggests that you already have all the information you need; just acknowledge the voice and return to your intention. Continue observing the scene for 3 full minutes. Focus on discovering more.

Being able to slow things down is a critical skill for parents who have become fixers. You want to be able to really take in what your teenager is telling you, how they're seeing and how they're feeling. When you hear all of it and digest it for a few moments, your response will be wiser, more honouring and more likely to strengthen your connection.

Preet’s Practice 6 weeks later:

When you are in conversation with your son and you feel the urge to be right, breathe into your belly and check your comprehension by asking questions that cultivate shared understanding:

• Can we stop here for a second and check that I understand what you said?

• What I heard was__ and __. Did I get it?

• When you said , did you mean? I want to make sure I’m understanding your meaning and not making up my own.

• I noticed that you used the phrase __ and it sounded important to you…

• So, for you, is it more like this or this ?

• I appreciate what we’ve discussed so far and I’d like to continue this conversation after I’ve had time to digest what you shared. Would 8 pm be ok?

“As I learned more about his take on his situation, which took lots of slow, deep breaths, my body would calm down and that fire alarm wasn’t commanding me to know the right thing and spout solutions.“I also realized that my need to be right was actually about being right by my definition of right. I think I’m developing more respect for his understanding of his experiences and that’s starting to change our tone with each other.”

KAMELA

Kamela’s urge to fix was a little different - it was about keeping the peace in her family. As a girl, she felt solely responsible for harmony in her family and she developed a pattern of taking care of everyone else’s needs. As an adult, she likes being someone people came to when they needed help, but she also resents all the expectations of her and how much energy it drains from her.

“When my kids fight, I know it's not my fault but it feels like it is. PI want to fix their problems quickly, partly to prevent things from getting worse and partly to save myself from that awful guilty feeling. When they’re arguing, I feel like I have to do something, like it's my duty to smooth things out.

"It all happens so fast that I don’t really even know what I’m doing. I get scattered and then I’m saying things that aren’t even what I mean and sometimes just adding to the problem. I don't really know what's going on and I'm scrambling for anything that'll make everyone happy.”

Kamela and I agreed that one step would be developing her ability to "zoom out" and see more of a situation before acting. She decided to practice this first in a situation separate from parenting.

Kamela’s Practice #3

At the start of each workday, begin by taking some gentle breaths at your desk. Open your list of tasks and look at what’s there in front of you for 20 full seconds. Then stand up and view the list again for 20 seconds, feeling your feet solidly on the ground.

If you hear that inner voice of that Zamboni Driver saying you have to hurry up and smooth everything over, tell her, “We can’t afford not to take the time to get the big picture.”

Take one step back, root your feet to the ground and view the list for 30 seconds more, resisting the urge to rush. Take one more step back and view the list again for 20 seconds. Standing here, strong and tall, identify your main intention. Say it out loud and let it land in your body.

Take one step toward your desk and pause. Another step and pause. And then slowly be seated and begin your workday.

When Kamela and I met next, she said, “At first it felt impossible to stand still for so long, but I started paying more attention to my posture and it really helped. The more I waited, the more I could see of the picture and then I attended to the main thing, the heart of the matter, instead of trying to smooth out every little rough patch. My words and actions felt more meaningful.”

And then she was ready to apply her new skills in situations with her squabbling teenagers. “I think they thought there was something wrong with me when I just stood there but the more I waited and listened, the more I could feel what was the most important thing for me to say, instead of a thousand ineffective words trying to calm them down and restore harmony.”

Two months later, after a few more practices, she said, “When I’m really rooted, I’m completely able to listen without taking on responsibilities that aren't mine, like their conflicts. I stand nearby peacefully, like a tree in the forest and I’m not weighted down by a sense of obligation to keep everyone happy all the time. I feel strong when I choose how I want to support them and I feel strong when I let it be.”

AND YOU?

Reading these stories, what’s landing with you right now? What are you thinking about your own urge to jump in and fix things?

What do you sense underlying that urge? Is it wanting to be right, feeling obligated to keep the peace, a sense of duty to make sure they’re on the ‘right’ course, something inherited from our childhood, doing an exceptional job of parenting or something else?When this urge is driving your parenting, what does it cost you?

Exhale.

When you see yourself clearly, you know you’re on the right track.

Keep going.

And if you’d like to hear some ideas for a personalized practice that would help you pivot out of fixing your teenager's problems, use the Contact Form below and reach out for a free 30-minute coaching chat. And just so you know, there won’t be any sneaky sales pitches in our conversation (I completely lack any slick sales techniques LOL).

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