I Hate to Admit It but I Resent My Teenager

“Oh God how I hate saying this out loud, but sometimes I really resent my teenager.”

I could feel the raw truth of her statement.

And the courage.

Because we're not supposed to resent our kids. We’re not supposed to have hard feelings toward them or turn away from their energy. We’re supposed to feel unending warmth and benevolence toward them.

But we do feel resentment sometimes.

At least, I sure do. You can catch me harumphing around, offended and blaming.  And I’ve learned that it’s often when I haven't said what I wanted to say or done what I really wanted to do.

Maybe I decided to put off what I was planning to do or saw a problem and jumped in to rescue them. Maybe I couldn’t find the words that I was pretty sure would disappoint or anger them. Whatever it was, I ignored my instincts and went beyond what I was comfortable with and, at the same time, expected them to read my mind or ‘just know’ what would work best for me. Or I thought that if I’m going to sacrifice for them, they should reciprocate it. And then I’m resentful when they don't. 

 Resentment is icky stuff because when we don't express our needs, feelings and boundaries outwardly, then they go inward. They form a hard place in our belly, a constant tightness in our shoulders or a thought stuck looping again and again and again.

Friends will say, “Why don’t you just ask for what you need?” or “You need to put your needs first,” as if that’s a simple thing to do.  It’s easy for some people, and pretty much impossible if you don't actually know what you need.

Maybe you had a childhood like mine, where there were rarely conversations in which your emotions and needs could safely be expressed. Growing up on the ranch, personal needs just weren't a topic and so little Me concluded that my needs weren't important.

And I’ve met plenty of parents for whom it wasn't safe to even HAVE needs. Let that sink in for a moment. None.

A question for you: How do you know that you have a need?

Most people say it makes itself known with a signal from within. Maybe your chest gets tight and says, “I need to be heard.” Or your sagging shoulder says, “I need to take a break,” or your restless belly says, “I need to be held.” Your system speaks to you about maintaining your physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual well-being. Like telling you what kind of fuel you need right now.

And while that sounds like a welcome experience, if you were taught to contain or ignore your needs, it might feel uncomfortable. You might feel that expressing your needs would carry the risk of being seen as too selfish or demanding. Or the opposite may be true: “I’m so weak having all these needs. I better not show them.”  

Either way, it feels unsafe.

There are three unhealthy patterns we see in families:

1. Feelings and needs were not expressed. There was an unspoken agreement to go along with what’s happening and that the need for harmony in the collective outranked the needs of individuals.

2. Particular feelings and needs were acceptable only at certain times or only from certain family members. Anything else or anyone else was dismissed, reprimanded or belittled.

3. Feelings and needs were accepted - ALL of them. They were spoken, shouted and sobbed in a confusing tangle of competition, blame, projection, enmeshment and pain.

Kids living in these environments become doubtful of the validity of their feelings and needs and unsure of who is responsible for what. They often develop shame around their feelings and needs: “I’m having the wrong feelings... I don't want what others want... I shouldn’t have needs... I’m screwed up, selfish, confused, disordered, broken… There’s obviously something wrong with me.”

When we feel that kind of shame and wrongness, there’s often a reflex to dismiss it or override it. You get defensive, because it’s easier to be angry and self-righteous than ashamed. Or you become super-critical of others to deflect attention from the shame. Your subconscious assumes that you can make your emotions and needs feel ’right’ if you can make the other person wrong.

But it doesn’t work.  

It makes things worse.

Resentment is a rock, a thorn, a grudge, and what grows around it is guilt: “I shouldn’t be feeling this way... I'm the parent and I should be giving not needing..."

You tell yourself you're masking it well, but haven’t sarcastic comments slipped past your lips and looks of displeasure been fired? Hasn't your teenager detected your grudging energy?

Practices to Help Break the Pattern

• If you have difficulty knowing what you need, give your system little experiences of recognizing needs. Think small at first, “I want soup instead of salad,” or “Please close the window, I’m chilly.” Give your body the felt sense of having a need and it being safe.

• Turn up your radar to notice your impulse to defend or criticize. What emotion are you keeping in check? And what emotion might be hidden under that? Soften the inner dialogue, loosen your body and allow that emotion just to exist.

• When the prospect of making a request feels impossible or hazardous (“I just don’t say those kinds of things… I don’t want to be selfish… I don’t want to sound like a b*!ch”), call up your compassion for the child who was shut down. Wrap her in a fuzzy blanket, hold her, reassure her and put salve on her wounds. That was then.

•  Be on the lookout for attempts to disguise, over-explain or sugarcoat your request. Instead, think of short, concise statements that capture the heart of what you want. E.g., “I need to know that when you say you'll make dinner, that you really will.”  Practice it first, if you like. Write it out longhand, record it on your phone or yell it in the forest. Your feelings and needs are valid. Period.

• Shame can only be dissolved by saying it out loud and practicing vulnerability in safe spaces, with safe people, but by bit. Who do you know that shares their own vulnerability and can be present to yours? Be with them and allow your system to register the experience of being received with care.

It's no small thing to express your feelings, needs and requests directly and you can expect your efforts to be met with inner resistance. Be gentle with yourself as you experiment and learn. You're not broken or messed up; you're human, a beautiful human, doing the work of self-development, putting in the effort to love even bigger.

And when your young adult children hear your needs and witness your vulnerability, those models sink right in and help form the future adult who will have the skills to build safe, honest relationships. 

That’s something we all want for our kids and, really, all the teenagers who will be soon making decisions about the directions of our communities and our world. May they know how to express the truth in their hearts. 

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