"You just don't get me!!"

Photo by Lori K Walters

You're standing in the kitchen with your teenager. You're trying to talk to them about chores/homework/responsibilities but they're not listening. They're getting upset and defensive. And you're getting frustrated. Voices are rising.

And then your kid yells, “You just don't get me!” 

Ooof, that hurts.

It feels like a blow to your heart because you've been trying so damn hard to give them space, the benefit of the doubt, time to adjust…

You’re disappointed, confused, frustrated and scared.

First, let’s take a gentle breath or two and zoom out from the details of the particular argument.

From a bird’s eye view, the big truth is that fully understanding another person is impossible. We cannot see through their eyes. We cannot experience their entire day. We cannot know all of what’s in their heart. Not even our kids. So, let’s agree that there are plenty of things you don’t ‘get’ about your kid.

Read that again: They’re right, you don’t actually ‘get’ them.

The second thing to see from up here is that everyone — toddlers, teens, adults — wants to be seen and heard. It’s one of our basic needs on this human journey.

And all of us, at some point or another, have felt unseen and unheard. Maybe we risked saying what was in our hearts only to have it misconstrued. Maybe our fervent opinion was dismissed. And our survival instincts had us retreating into our shell, changing colours like a chameleon to be less noticeable or armoring up to keep part of who we are safe.

Each of us, in our own way, gets used to not letting part of ourselves be completely seen and at the same time, the craving to be truly seen and accepted lingers on and on.

Our kids are craving that too.

What does it mean to really see and hear our young adult kids?

What I’ve come to know from working with many parents is that there are capabilities we can develop in ourselves by practicing them in the ordinary moments of our family life:

1. Focused listening.

In this noisy world, it’s challenging to stay focused on what’s being said and really hear another person. Listening attentively is something all of us have to work on.

And when your teenager is saying something that’s difficult to hear and has you wanting to run for cover, correct them, yell, cry or just fix the problem, part of you is no longer hearing them. Of course, we are going to have thoughts and feelings, internal reactions, but we don't have to express them right now, nor let them distract us from listening first.

So, during the conversation, ask yourself if you’re really listening.

• Notice when a judgement forms in your mind (e.g. that was stupid) and then set it aside.

• Notice when fear, anger or grief begin to rise in you. Name it, take a breath, open your heart and open your ears.

• Notice if part of you is strategizing solutions or worrying about what others will think and return to listening.

 2. Being present.

There’s no need right now to review past incidents or count up their previous misdemeanors. There’s no need to make decisions or plan out the next steps. What matters is the present moment of the conversation.

Resist thinking you know what they’re going to say and challenge yourself to hear each word as it’s spoken.

Stay with your child, breathing and looking at each other, here and now, connected by the words and feelings flowing between you. 

3. Perspective-taking.

I was watching a high school basketball game from the bleachers, row 10, about 2/3 of the way down the gym. To me, it looked like the player stepped on the line. But my son was sitting courtside with his friends and had a substantially different account of the penalty shot. It makes sense, we were watching the game from different viewpoints. 

Sometimes we forget that our teenagers are experiencing the world with their eyes and their hearts. They are experiencing life, not only differently from how we experienced it when we were teenagers, but differently in every moment of the day, even though we’re watching the same sunset or eating the same pizza.

The ability to see things from someone else's perspective is something that you probably apply regularly with your friends and colleagues. You ask questions and take time to consider their way of looking at it.

And it’s no different for your teenager. They are experiencing the world the only way they can - from their viewpoint. Try imagining it from there.

 4. Being curious.

Your child is growing and changing every day and you don't need me to tell you this but there's no such thing as having them all figured out. You don't know what they're going to say or do next. And there's plenty that you don't understand about how they figure things out, how they feel and the choices they make.

So, allow yourself to wonder.

Who are they today? What’s important to them in this topic? How have their values changed since last month (or yesterday)? Why did they say that? How are they perceiving this? What's in their heart right now?

5. Holding space for who they are and who they will become.

When parenting young adults, there is wisdom and comfort in leaning toward the mystery of how Life/ God/ the Universe expresses itself through our kids.

When we observe their gifts, passion and purpose, we see the light shining from within them. When we see the way they hold their fork and the way they smile at their friends, we see their essence. We get to witness all the wisdom and magic they're bringing into the world in their unique ways.

And when we feel that, we are ‘getting’ them in the most important way.