You might be missing these openings to connect with your teenager.

Photo by Lori K Walters

Tara sits quietly at the kitchen table. The dishes are done and lunches are ready for tomorrow. It's dark and, more than anything, she wants to go to bed and disappear into the novel on her bedside table. 

But she's waiting for her teenage daughter to come home so they can maybe have a talk. Not just about laundry and signing up for the theatre workshop. Tara wants to know how she’s really doing these days, her friends, her life. They never seem to get to those conversations. And the longer the silence goes on, the more upset Tara becomes.

“I have to choose exactly the right time and exactly the right words. And even then, I might not get any response at all. I can't count the number of questions I've asked in the last few months that have never, ever been answered.”

Tara feels like she doesn't know her daughter anymore and it’s breaking her heart. “Why won't she let me in? Is it just because she wants to be independent? Or is it something deeper down about me and our relationship? I don’t need all the details. I just want to know what’s going on for her and that she’s ok.”

But her need to know has had Tara behaving unintentionally. “Honestly, I embarrassed myself. I stood at her bedroom door, asking a string of insistent questions. It was so awkward. And I still didn’t get more than the bare minimum - like five words.”

Almost every parent of teens knows this feeling: communication has stopped and we wonder how to get through to them. So, we try different tactics –cajoling, tricking, begging, spying, taking away privileges, demanding, accusing them of not loving us, etc.

“What I really want is for her to come to me. You know, because she wants to. Just to talk with her mom.”

So, Tara’s is waiting at the kitchen table, hoping there’ll be an exchange of at least a few sentences. She hears her daughter’s key in the front door and says “hi”, but her daughter heads straight to her bedroom and closes the door.

Then Tara feels hurt.

And when we feel rejected, challenged, disregarded or disobeyed by our teenagers, what we fail to recognize is that they are regularly inviting us into their lives, just not warmly or explicitly.

You wait for the old kind of invitation. Like them hanging out while you’re cooking dinner and telling you about what happened at band practice. Or just silently curling up with you on the couch and saying how much easier it is to be at home than at school. We wait for those familiar cues.

But our teenagers are going through changes - biochemical changes, brain reconfigurations, academic challenges, breakups and make-ups, etc. It makes sense that their invitations are going to change as well.

When it feels like they won’t let you in, the truth might be that communication hasn’t stopped, it has changed.

Reflections

I offer reflection questions to help you see your ways of parenting more clearly. This isn’t about judging yourself; it’s about gently increasing your awareness of what’s beneath the surface of your thoughts and reactions. Because when we understand ourselves better, we can understand our kids better. So please consider these prompts with lots of self-compassion.

What have you been assuming about the meaning of their behaviour when they don’t talk to you? Do you tell yourself that they don’t respect you, don’t care about your opinion, don’t like you or don’t trust you? In what ways have you made meaning that isn’t necessarily there? _____

What emotions typically arise in you? Do you feel offended, abandoned, bitter, bewildered, discouraged, disgusted, appalled, bereft, desperate, humiliated or provoked?  _____

When your big kid says they don’t want to talk, what does some part of you conclude? That you mustn’t broach the subject again, not in 5 minutes and not next week? That you’ll have to come up with some strategy to get them to talk about it? That it’s going to be a hassle no matter when you bring it up?  _____

“I realized that I’ve been telling myself that the only thing I can do is sit and wait for her to invite me into her life,” Tara said several sessions later. And then she smiled. “But they’re just my assumptions.”

This was a pivotal moment that made space for another perspective to emerge. As Tara did the practices we co-designed, a new part of her became more activated and accessible. “It’s like having a new pair of glasses that allow me to see when there are little windows into my daughter’s life.”

Of course, Tara’s situation isn’t exactly the same as yours or mine but there’s a gift in her story about, instead of waiting for warm invitations or barging in uninvited, we can develop our ability to recognize the more subtle openings to connect with our teenager.

A complaint about the stupid English teacher might be a window. Many of us would immediately correct them “…respect …have to…” And if you were to take one more breath before you respond and recognize the little opening, what would you be curious about? What might you say instead?

A sarcastic comment about your driving might be an opening. How would you avoid taking it personally? What kind of glasses would help you see it as an opportunity for connection?

An angry rant that spews lava all over the place might be a window. How would you resist the urge to shut them down or flee the scene? What resources, within you or beyond you, would you lean on to stay steady and lift the latch?

I invite you to take a moment right here and identify a couple of your teenager’s behaviors that you might be missing as openings.

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For each example, write down how you’ve been reacting up until today, the emotions you’ve been feeling and the assumptions you’ve been making.

And then, a few sentences about what might be below the surface for them. Below the graceless comment or the slamming door. These are just speculations, mind you, because you’ll only know for sure if you ask.

And then write down one question you could ask. Just one question to step in.

The more you develop your attunement for these subtle little openings and the more you take a little step in, not to fix or correct, but simply to learn about their experience, the more they'll create those opportunities for you. It’s called trust, right? And it’s built moment by moment, conversation by conversation.

So that, when they really need your support, they feel that trust and know exactly where to turn.

And isn’t that what we’re truly hoping for?