You can't protect them from heartache.

Photo by Lori K Walters

A letter to our 21-year-olds:

Oh, my dear, I see how your heart is aching. How you feel disappointed, betrayed, confused and humiliated. I understand how your dreams for this relationship have disappeared in just one conversation. How much it hurts to not have that special person anymore.

And I have such a powerful mama bear instinct to shield you from this heartache. The urge pulses through my veins and raises my heartrate, and I feel like I would move mountains to protect you.

But I cannot.

Your life will include heartbreak. There will be uncomfortable misunderstandings and conflicting emotions. There will be long, sad nights you’re not sure will ever end.

And I’m not going to protect you from it, much a I want to. I won’t shield you from discomfort because I want you to learn how to manage discomfort in your adult life.

So that you're willing to love, even knowing that you could be heartbroken again. So you're willing to share your heart because of all the beauty sharing brings.

I will resist the temptation to protect you so that you can learn to navigate hard feelings and discomfort and so that your resilience can be formed, relationship by relationship. A resilience that will serve you through the twist and turns of the life ahead.

Don't shy away from conversations or topics simply because they're uncomfortable. Trust yourself to go into the tricky parts of relationships. Trust that your honesty and love will carry you through.

I've been watching you learning about your own ‘stuff’, your triggers, things from your childhood, and your knee-jerk reactions. I see you developing the courage and self-awareness to take responsibility for your part in disagreements. Keep going.

My heart wants you to be happy but, in truth, I also want you to experience uncomfortable situations, so you learn to communicate without blame and speak honestly about your needs. So that your desire to connect comes across.

~ May you learn to recognize that your feelings are yours, your own experiences, not to be squelched down or projected onto others but to be felt and expressed.

~ May you learn to hold space for the people you care about and be a place where they feel safe to share what's going on for them without any fear that you will judge, reject or ridicule them.

~ May you approach your relationships with curiosity; they are, indeed, a place for you to learn. About yourself. About the ways you want to love and be loved. About how we're all connected.

~ May you have experiences that show you that discomfort and difficult conversations are opportunities for deeper connection. I hope your life is rich with such connections.

And now, while you’re hurting, I wish for this heartache, in its own way and in its own time, to open and deepen your world. And to nurture your willingness to experience all there is to human connection.

So, no, I will not try to protect you from this heartache. Because I know it's not an enemy, it's a benevolent teacher for you.

What I will do instead is be here. Here for you when you need a place to cry or scream, when you need to be held or listened to, or when you just want someone to sit beside you.

This is how I will love you today.