How To Get onto the Same Page With Your Teenager

I was standing at the side of the soccer field on a warm evening, chatting with a friend and watching my 14 yo son's game. And then I saw it - that thing he would do - a moment when he could see a clear path to the net. He hit the gas and went for it in a burst of speed and determination.

After the game, I said, “It amazes me how you can see the path down the field through all the players” and his reply surprised me: “I saw it from above, mom, like a chess board.” I offer this as a reminder of the great value of seeing things from different perspectives.

Todays' article describes a way for you to get a different perspective on how you react to your young adult.

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You’ve heard me say this before: when you’re getting anxious and caught in a loop with your young adult child and you’re repeatedly saying that thing that always makes it worse (you're being so immature, I can't trust you, it's not that big of a deal, you don't know what you're talking about, you have to do it my way...), the only way forward is to lean in and take a closer look.

Yes, at your own reactions.

No, it’s no fun at all observing our reactive selves. Our confusion and frustration. Our impulsiveness. Our shame that, after four thousand attempts, we still haven’t stopped those hurtful words from spilling out. And yet, having thorough, first-hand knowledge of our triggers and reactions is an essential step in neutralizing them and finally breaking free from the pattern.

There's a choice to make... You can beat yourself up and tell yourself you can never change. Or you can lean in to take a closer look. One way to do that is to think of yourself like a news reporter observing the scene from a second-story window across the street. With a bird's eye view, you get a different perspective on a situation and see aspects of your behaviour that you may not have been conscious of.

Your goal is to make neutral observations without mixing in your opinions or interpretations of the event. Here’s the difference:

• She kept glancing at her phone while I was talking (neutral)

• She didn’t care what I was saying (my interpretation)

Seeing just the facts puts you in the position of being able to choose whether to a) believe your brain's interpretations as they are or b) gather more information. And I think we can agree that we cause ourselves so much extra suffering when we speak or act based on inaccurate interpretations. 

When you're practicing neutral observation, you have the ability to have conversations about what happened, instead of your interpretation of what happened, and that almost always gets you and your big kid onto the same page. Clearly, “I notice that you keep glancing at your phone” leads to a different discussion than “I see that you don’t care what I’m saying.” 

Observing ourselves with neutrality requires practice. because of the way our brains work They are designed to interpret the situations we encounter. Everything we see, hear, taste, touch or smell gets our brains assessing: Is it pleasant or unpleasant? Safe or dangerous?

When it comes to interactions with your teen/ young adult, your brain is instantaneously going to do things like:

• Judge if what they’ve said or done is good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate, respectful or disrespectful, etc. 

• Measure their ability and label it. E.g. She doesn’t let me finish my sentences; she’s rude.

• Analyze what went wrong and try to figure out how to fix the problem or the person (without all the data). E.g. He should have asked his boss what she meant. I should call them...

• Connect this moment to something that happened in the past, adopt an old story, and forget that this is a new situation.

• Focus on predicting what might happen, creating a dozen possible scenarios, each worse than the last.

• Justify your opinions and actions. E.g. My intentions were good. I just want what’s best for them.

• Exaggerate what happened. 

• Leave out key facts.

And your brain, in its attempts to do its job - ascertain meaning and determine your best course of action -takes focus and energy away from your heart, your intention and the connection you want to maintain. Here's how you can tell: if you can’t articulate a neutral observation of what just happened without adding your feelings and interpretations, then you're in a reactive state. And what you say next will NOT contribute to your connection with your Self or your big kid.

How to Practice Neutral Observation

In this practice, part of you will be experiencing the moment, while the other part of you will be watching and taking in as many details as possible.  This isn't about changing what you do but, rather, about seeing more clearly how it actually plays out.

Write it down what you observed or make some voice-to-text notes on your phone, like a conscientious reporter:

1. How did your reaction begin?

2. What were you feeling in your body?  Was it tight or loose, hot or cold, clenching or pulsing? Where exactly was it located? Did your jaw tighten, your heart race, your knees wobble, your shoulders cave, your throat clench? Was there a sequence of events?

3. What inner dialogue did you hear? Capture it word for word. What was the tone of voice? What were you being urged to ensure or avoid?

4. What emotions arose? If you’re not sure, name the ballpark: anger, fear, joy or grief.

5. What was your overall energy - tense, restless, numb, desperate, unbalanced, troubled, heated, eager, disgusted, apathetic, drained...?

6. What was your immediate impulse? Shout, defend yourself, walk away, fight back, teach a lesson, take control…?

I know from coaching moms for six years that detailed observations of your reactivity helps you see how it really goes (which may be different from what you've been telling yourself). And that's the key to being able to interrupt the impulse and break free from a pattern that’s been controlling your system for years.

In March, I guided a group of lovely moms through the first part of this process, and I’ll be doing it again soon. 

They got a closer look at their reaction pattern and discovered a simple tool to interrupt it. They also tapped into the steady part of themselves that can respond to their big kid in a different way – a way that feels more aligned with their essence and values and the kind of relationship they’re trying to build.

Check here for workshop details and save your spot.