The Fierce Dragon and the Aikido Student: A New Way Through Parent-Teen Power Struggles
Here’s how Pamela put it when we first met: “It doesn’t matter what I say, he always says the opposite. He contradicts me even when we both know I’m right and he says radical things just to enflame me. It’s so irritating. It pushes my buttons and I DO get enflamed. And then the conversation, which was a simple thing, turns into a big clash, yelling, accusations, hurt feelings... all of it.”
If you’re raising teenagers, you’ve most likely faced a kid who is consistently contrary. They say ‘black’ when you say ‘white’ and they'll defend their opinion, no matter what, until the middle of the night. One word and you're locked in a power struggle against your will.
This is more than a difference of opinion; it’s about who has power, how that power is used, and the level of influence or control one person is able to exert over the other’s actions and beliefs, i.e. who's steering the ship and how another person feels about that. And we're talking about teenagers and young adults, who are biologically and psychologically wired to try everything they can think of to break free from the influence and control you’ve had over them for the past 15 or 20 years.
You get that, so you approach the issue calmly, choosing the right time to bring it up and sharing your wisdom and experience as open-mindedly as possible. But while you think you’re being sensible and broadening their perspective, they perceive your ‘help’ as an attempt to control what they do or how they think and they, subconsciously, feel a need to assert their power.
So, they ignore your advice and carry on with what they were doing. Or they escalate the battle.
Naturally, you’re frustrated because your guidance had no impact on their behaviour. You see them doing that same thing, disobeying or spouting that same viewpoint. It’s really annoying. And while we’d like to be able to shift in these moments and communicate intentionally and from our hearts... it's hard to do.
Enter the Dragon
We are beautifully complex beings, mélanges of inner parts that add up to our whole. Some of your parts are tucked neatly out of view and others may be running your show. Some may have conflicting agendas that bring your growth to a standstill, while others hamper your ability to express yourself. And some of them may be preventing you from having a strong connection with your big kid.
One of the parts that you might be familiar with is the Fierce Dragon:
You come home from work, where you’ve been even-tempered all day, or you get off the phone from a pleasant talk with a friend, and then one little comment from your big kid brings out the Fierce Dragon. It only takes a second and that part of you rises up, snapping, criticizing, commanding, refusing, blaming…
Afterward, you realize the Fierce Dragon was defending you against an attack that was only a perception - it never even happened. But the Dragon was doing its job - always at the ready to protect you from feeling some pain from unprocessed past hurt that's lurking just below the surface.
Or it was saving you from losing. For some of us, our subconscious interprets our kid’s defiance as their ‘win,’ which makes us the ‘loser’ and we are urged from within to re-establish our personal power. It happens so subtly you might not be aware of it.
We ALL want to feel our personal power and know that we can interact in the world in a way that meets our needs for safety, dignity, agency, community, autonomy and love.
We ALL want to feel our ability to shine a light that matters in the world.
We ALL want to be the authors of our own lives.
And when that feels under attack, even if it isn’t, the Fierce Dragon steps in, not only to defend us but also maybe to up the ante with lashes at our kids, maybe threats, blame and punishment.
And when teenagers are committed to being contrary, this just raises the stakes in the battle for power. Your kid thinks, "They can't make me do it” and they dig their trenches. They also sense that they are ‘getting’ to you and getting the upper hand in the battle for control. They feel more powerful...
That’s the unwinnable pattern: each time your system detects a threat to your personal power (real or perceived), you metamorphose into the Fierce Dragon to regain what’s yours and keep it intact. Your child feels that as a threat to their power, so they naturally double their efforts.
And on it goes, gradually creating a disconnection that takes months or years to repair.
And there’s another way.
It’s the way of the Aikido Student, who transforms and redirects energy. It's the part of us that leans into power and uses it to create connection. She sees power not as ‘power over’ others but something purer and more precious within herself:
The power to notice that anger is arising in you and let it flow through, so as not to be overtaken and hand the scene over to the Fierce Dragon.
The power to see through the fog and recognize the assumptions that are present.
The power to pause and restore your equilibrium.
The power to say, “No thanks” to the Fierce Dragon. “Your way won’t work for me here.”
The power to choose how you behave, in every moment, in alignment with what’s most important to you.
This is the way of the Aikido Student, blending with the energy, turning, pivoting, circling. She recognizes real power and uses its momentum in a different way.
Perhaps you see some aspects of the Aikido Student that you want to strengthen in yourself to navigate parent-teen power struggles. If so, here are some daily practices that can support you.
1. Meeting the Aikido Student in your Body
In a wide area, perhaps your back yard, walk swiftly and directly toward a chosen spot and then, on the spur of the moment, pivot and change direction without changing your pace. Continue for 2 full minutes. Don’t let you head take over with planning your next move. Instead, let your body do the pivoting right when the moment to do so arrives.
Practice this for 12 days in a row.
What sensations do you experience in your body when pivoting?
What's easier or more challenging for you and how does that change with repetition?
What more does pivoting allow you to see?
2. Meeting the Aikido Student in your Mind
Free-write about power in your relationship with your young adult child.
Where do you see power dynamics between you two?
What’s openly expressed and what’s held beneath the surface?
When do you feel like you’re winning and what's the prize?
When you sense that you’re losing, what do you perceive that you’ve lost?
What are your values about power balances in relationships and how might you redirect your energy in accordance with your values?
3. Meeting the Aikido Student in your Heart
Create a sweet ritual for yourself. Gather flowers, a poem or prayer, music, essential oils, crystals, pictures and your sacred objects and create your altar. Take your time...
Light your candle, find your center and settle into the sacred space.
When you’re ready, call in your guides and ask to be shown the aspects of the Aikido Student that lives in you. Then breathe and stay open.
You don't need to say, imagine or expect anything. Wait and be willing to receive whatever gift comes to you, perhaps an image, word, gesture, song, colour or a story. Accept what appears and trust the divine wisdom it brings to your being.
Complete the ritual with gratitude and self-care.
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