How To Stop Your Teenager from Doing That Annoying Thing

You see that look in your daughter’s eye and you brace yourself. Your chest tightens. You recite your intention to stay calm beneath your breath. And then she does it – that one thing that pushes your buttons and sets the whole issue ablaze again… makes that infuriating comment or those gestures that hit you in the gut.

Things would be so much better if she would just STOP DOING THAT. So many fights would be avoided. So many hurt feelings…

Part of you thinks, maybe if you cajole, lecture, yell, induce, bargain, plead… But when they’re in their teens and early twenties, can you really make them change their behaviour?

The short answer is No. They are past that stage of doing what they’re told and following the family protocols. Sure, there are some controls you can put on them, like taking away their phone or grounding them, but that isn’t going to convince them to change their viewpoint or their actions.

The long answer is Yes, mothers can influence young adults by shifting into more of a facilitator or coach role. Of course, becoming an embodied, skilled coach takes years of study and practice, but there are coaching skills that you can develop right now to support your kid through adolescence and beyond.

One of those skills is asking questions. Not just any questions, but ones designed to help them learn about themselves: what’s motivating them, how they’re making decisions, what emotions they’re feeling, what they value and how they express their needs.

Assumptions That Get in the Way

The reason many parents aren’t very good at asking their kids illuminating questions is that they have 15-20 years of experience with this child, in which they have come to conclusions about who their child is and how they think, feel and behave. It’s nobody’s fault; it’s just how the brain works. It gathers data and makes summaries for us, such as Jason is organized, Katrina likes competition or Devon readily expresses what’s in their heart. These are evidence-based conclusions the brain makes to help you understand your child.

And now you have to set those assumptions aside. Because the truth of the matter is that you never know someone else completely, not even your child. They are unique and they are always changing.

So to be in a coaching relationship, you need to stop believing that you KNOW them and start learning more about them. Who are they right now? Maybe Jason isn’t feeling organized in this situation. How might he respond now? Maybe Katrina is terrified about this swim meet. Maybe Devon is keeping other emotions below the surface.

Coaching, instead of explaining, instructing, lecturing, or imparting your decades of wisdom, also requires you to set aside your opinion about what’s best for them.Yes, you read that right.

And this is challenging for most moms, especially after many years of being the one who had to have that answer: Which school? Which friends? Which activities?Now that they’re older, the questions are somewhat bigger. Should they take that job? Get that apartment? Apply for that college program? And of course you have opinions about that - because you care about them and you want them to have a happy, fulfilled life. Of course you do.

But you don’t KNOW what’s best for them.

You don’t know if this decision will lead to their contentment or not. You can’t foresee if going to college right now will be better or worse than getting a job. There is a possibility that hanging out with this crowd is building something in your child that will serve him well in adulthood. In a few years, your daughter might say that getting fired from her job was a pivotal moment in her life.If you are going to stay connected with them, you have to stop telling yourself that you know what’s best for them.You don't.

So where does that leave you?

It leaves you with curiosity… Wondering how they view getting fired. Wondering how they feel when they're with those friends. Wondering what criteria they use for deciding about a job.

You can’t get them to change their friends or keep their job. But you can help them consider their motivations, the emotions that come up for them, and the activities they are engaging in. And these skills of self-reflection, honing their discernment and being aware of their agency are the skills they need to find the fulfilment and happiness you deeply hope they will have.

When you shift away from believing you know your child and what’s best for them, you are also called to surrender and trust.

Surrender the control and responsibility you held. Allow that phase to come into completion. Not abandoning or capitulating but recognizing where you’re at in your parenting and making the shift from conductor to audience member. It’s a very different role.

You may also lean into trusting that Life has got them. Allowing yourself to feel the bigger mysteries of the human journey, all the unimaginable twists and turns of your own life and the grace that holds you and your family, again and again.

Deepen your faith in that.

Where to Start

Start by getting curious about their language. When your child says, ‘I hate my boss’ or ‘school depresses me,’ your brain automatically makes meaning - your meaning, based on your experiences. It’s easy to assume that your son means the same thing. Better to find out what it means to him.

If you have a reaction to ‘I hate my boss’ or ‘school depresses me’, remember that it’s your reaction, sparked by your own experiences and interpretations. These auto-responses reside in your lane, not your child’s.

While it may be hard for you to hear, you know that bosses can be infuriating and inept, and that school can be incredibly dull and dejecting. Let them vent the emotions that they’re experiencing.

When the waters have calmed, begin with a simple, curious question. Word it so it only seeks clarification and holds no opinions or judgement.

‘When you say you hate your boss, do you mean that you hate his expectations or you hate the way he talks to people?’ One clarifying question. Not trying to change anything.

Opening some space for exploration.

‘What part of your school day feels most depressing?’ This may lead in one of a hundred different directions; follow their lead. It may be a certain class, the building or classmates. Depressing may mean tired, lonely, bored or something more serious. Listen and learn.

These are the questions that build your connection.

You can’t create their respect for their boss or stop your teenager from ditching school. But you most certainly can empower them to learn about themselves and make self-aware choices as they navigate their lives. This is the kind of awareness that will lead them to engage in the things that they’re interested in, discern what feels feel right for them and make choices for themselves that lead them toward the happiness and contentment you hope and pray they will have.

With you on the journey,

Lori

Read more about becoming more of a coach for your young adult child HERE.