A Different Way of Seeing Boundaries with Your Teenager

Coaching moms of teenagers and young adults, I hear a lot of different understandings of what boundaries are, how to uphold them, how to communicate them and how they impact relationships.

“I should be stronger.”

“I’ve got to stop apologizing.”

“I’m firm at first and then I start wavering.”

For sure, firmness is part of the equation but this, on its own, won’t result in boundaries that work the way you want them to. The essential ingredient is that exploring the sources of your boundaries. Because if they are sourced by a need to control your teenager, protect yourself or some unresolved wounds, you’ll end up repeating the same old loops and feeling like no one respects you. Effective boundaries are sourced from really knowing who you are.

I don’t mean the part of you that you always say is “just who I am.” Not the one who learned to shrink back, puff herself up, perform or overpower others to stay safe. And not the one who pretends they know everything, can do everything and need nothing. I’m talking about your inner essence, the pure love that you are, the innate strength and truth, the value that has always been there inside, underneath everything that life has layered on top of it, but still there at your core.

When you stand in that place, your boundaries naturally arise to honour it. Not guarding your wounds from all hurt but honouring and preserving what is most true and good in you. These boundaries are sourced by kindness to yourself and genuine self-love. They honour your divine existence.

Somewhere along the way, though, many of us have lost connection to this essence. Perhaps something told us we should dial back our strength, shh our voice, or give over our power. Perhaps, given our experiences, we thought the best we could do was to harden our tenderness.

As our awareness of the sacredness of our beings faded and faded, we ended up not quite trusting our inner wisdom. Not quite feeling safe in our own skin. Not quite setting boundaries that really honour us.

If we doubt our self-worth and fear that self-honoring boundaries will lead to conflicts, rejection and the loss of relationships, then the boundaries we set instead will always be about protecting our safety and never feel quite satisfactory. You’ll keep getting what you don’t want — feeling disrespected, disconnected from yourself or living the same problems on repeat, repeat, repeat.

So, setting your boundaries is letting the people in our lives know how we want to be treated, what nourishes us, what feels right and what we’ll tolerate. But it’s more than what you say yes or no to; it’s being unwilling to leave the most sacred parts of yourself behind. 

When we begin to set boundaries from this deeper place, things inevitably shift in our relationships. Yes, some friends become more distant. Yes, our partners struggle to adjust.

And yes, our teenage and young adult kids can feel uncomfortable. And that’s all ok, they’ll adjust.

When you say something that’s true for you , there’s nothing to be argued against. “I want to be told an hour in advance if you’re not going to be here for supper” is how you want to be treated, plain, simple and true. Not a negotiation. Not a power move. A statement of truth.

And when you’re stating your true boundaries, things shift inside you too.

You trust yourself more.

You listen to your inner wisdom.

You know what you know to be true.

You’ll feel more connected to your Self.

What about being the creator of that safety in yourself. Being the one who upholds your right to know and name what is right for you. Being the one who walks away from what is not right for you. Being the one who makes choices that are truly aligned with your essence. Being the one who makes it possible for your unique light and beauty shine forth.

This is the safety we subconsciously crave when we set boundaries: to have others honour us. And what’s required is honouring ourselves so consistently and unwaveringly that they cannot help but see how it’s done.

To get there, dear ones, we have to face the fears that percolate under our skin. You have to sit in the discomfort of not knowing how to talk to your teenager. You have to feel the pain of their criticism and blame and accept the loss and rejection. You have to feel your fear for their future. You can’t think your way out of it and willpower alone can’t do the job. Facing, feeling and holding the pain, with the right support, is what quietens the noise. And underneath that noise is your own inner voice, clear as a bell, oh-so-trustworthy and pointing you in a good direction.

Then safety has nothing to do with the house, the bank account, the marriage; it is rooted in your inner steadiness and truth. And then boundaries aren’t one more thing you’re not doing well enough — they naturally reflect the beauty of who you are.

And people see that, including your almost-adult child. It’s deeper than rules, ultimatums, stand-offs and temporarily-conditional love. Now your truth radiates from you and they feel it. Your clear strength is palpable when they sit across the table from you. The way you’re anchored in your worth is unmistakable when you speak.

If this sounds like the work you want to do, I have coaching spots opening up this month. Read more HERE. 

For 7 years, I’ve been here, helping moms figure out their boundaries and strengthening their relationships with their teen and young adult kids.

I’m here for you too.