The Story That's About to Expire (Because You aren't that mother anymore)

One of the most stifling sentences in the English language is “This is just who I am.”

I'm not referring to when someone is expressing their self-acceptance. I'm talking about when it's said in a way that's backing up a belief that you’re stuck. That your identity, the cards you were dealt, the Real You, is unchangeable.

And that’s simply not true.

We are, each of us, evolving creatures, unfolding souls.

Whether you're into psychology, Zen, magic or brain science, you’ll know that your identity is more flexible than we used to think. The Smart One, the Athletic One, the Sour Puss, the Scaredy Cat - these are just cloaks that were wrapped around our little shoulders and said, This is Who You Are.

And we carried theses identities because, well, who's going to abandon Who You Are?

Turns out they were just stories.

And stories can be rewritten.

Stories Moms Tell

In my coaching practice, I hear theses stories too:

“I’ve always been too soft with her.”

“I'm a little rigid, I guess. I expect my kids to toe the line and meet my expectations. It’s the only way I know how to do it.”

“I’ve never been able to make myself heard by my son.”

“I just can't say exactly what I mean when we argue.”

I often hear resignation: "There’s nothing I can do. This is just how it is between us. I guess it’s going to be like this for the rest of our lives."

Sometimes I hear self-pity: "Why, oh why, did I end up with the kind of kid I can’t parent?"

Usually some self-blame: Believing they've got this terrible flaw that’s causing the disconnection. That they screwed it all up when they were little. That they're not a good mom.

And sometimes it's simply delusion: seeing herself standing in front of a thick concrete wall when it's really only a sheer curtain, a choice and a threshold.

Your identity isn’t a prison. You can choose to learn how to be firmer with him. You can pull back the curtain and release some of your expectations. You can create a new way of making yourself understood.

When we choose, when we step across the threshold and we evolve, as we are meant to do. Life is oh-so-dynamic and motherhood calls us to be in the flow, not standing with our arms crossed and heels dug in, saying, “This is just the kind of mother I am” until we’re completely out of breath.

Something Within You is Ready to Move

I'm the first to admit how frustrating it is when you notice the same patterns showing up - feeling like you've made no progress.

But it can also be a sign that something within you is ready to move. And that's worth paying attention to.

The walls of the old story begin to feel too confining, and no longer true. And you know, you just know, deep down, that it's finally safe to start loosening your attachment to the identity that was built around that story. These might be thoughts that repeat in your head, beliefs you protect or ways you learned to survive. The patterns you call "me" come into clear focus and it's clear that they won't fit in your next chapter.

How To Let your Old Story Expire

Put it out in the rain and let the ink be washed away.

Put it in the fire and let all its goodness rise into the sky.

Take off the cloak and wash its musty smell off your skin.

Sing, chant, spit it out from the bottom of your lungs.

Let it be done now.

You aren't mother who always yells.

You aren't the mother who jumps in to fix things for them anymore.

You aren't the mother who always says the wrong thing... or says nothing at all.

You aren't that mother anymore.

Your Self is continually experiencing and integrating. You're becoming someone you couldn’t even have predicted, someone that feels more and more like Who You Are.

And that's a temporary identity too. It'll change again as you move into new experiences.

We let our old story expire so there’s space for what’s next to come in.

A new way of interacting with our young adult.

A new kind of communication.

New understanding.

Even bigger love.