Living in the Contradictions of Motherhood
Stephanie emailed me: “Raising my 17-year-old son feels like living on a pendulum. In one moment, I’m acting like my old ballet instructor, rigid and stern, correcting every misstep, expecting more and more and training him to his full potential (at least my version of it). A few hours later, I can sit back and observe his choices, say nothing and trust that he’s learning what he needs to learn. I’m pulled back and forth… I feel mired in contradictions.”
What I know to be true from working with so many moms of teens and young adults is that these years are full of contradictions. It’s confusing and, sometimes, living with such paradoxes makes us feel like there’s something about who we are and the way we are parenting that needs to be fixed. A pendulum that needs to stop swinging. A tall ship that needs to be righted.
But often, dear one, a skill more valuable than fixing is developing your capacity to BE in this puzzling space.
While we navigate the tender, tricky territory of parenting teens and young adults, it’s essential to acknowledge the inconsistencies that come with the job:
We will give them space to make their own mistakes AND, at the same time, we will be faithful border collies herding them away from dangers.
We will reject some of their new attitudes and behaviors AND, with the next breath, fully accept who they are and who they are becoming.
We will worry about their futures AND we will be full of faith in the life that they’re creating.
We will be air traffic controllers on alert for foul weather AND we will bask in the sunshine of their growth and joy.
We will be irritable and impatient AND we will be approachable and trustworthy.
We will push them away in a hundred ways AND we will hold them close, soothe their doubts and let them rest in our love.
The human journey is full of paradoxes, especially for those of us on the parenting path. So today, I’m offering two practices to support you with being with the very real contradictions of being a parent of a teen or young adult.
Practice 1: Exploring the “And” Space
Identify a topic or behaviour (not necessarily about parenting) that feels like it’s either/or for you. It might be a choice that feels difficult because neither of the options feels quite right, one of your values that grates against another, or a behaviour that goes against your intention. Choose one focus for this exercise.
Draw and label the two extremities on a piece of paper. It may look like a long rectangle, a gas gauge, two boxes, whatever represents the polarity to you.
Label what lies at each end, allowing your pencil to write anything that arises - no filters.
Now consider what it would feel like to choose A and not have B. What’s comfortable and uncomfortable about this prospect?
Describe the comfort and discomfort. If it had words, what would they be? What emotions arise when hearing/saying these words? What are you assuming would happen? What might be lost? What feels like it would be at risk?
Repeat this, choosing B and letting go of A.
Ask yourself:
In what ways am I attached to, or even perpetuating, the idea that it must be one or the other?
What is that belief on behalf of?
What suffering does this cause me?
And now, what might it mean to hold both A and B?
Let yourself feel pulls from both directions and allowing something new to emerge in the space between. Activate your curiosity and creativity.
Venture farther and see what lies beyond the apparent polarity. Ask what else is possible and be willing to be surprised.
What do you see? What ideas and impressions are forming now? What can you imagine in place of absolute incompatibility or impossible choices?
Where is the “AND”? What energies does it carry? How does it feel in your heart?
Remember that it’s all true: We are connected to our big kids AND we are separate from them. We are human AND we are divine. What does the “AND” mean to you?
Practice 2: How to Hold More than Contradiction in your Body
Choose one of your parenting contradictions to focus on for this exercise. Get into a comfortable sitting or standing position and take a few gentle breaths to become present to the here and now. Soften your gaze and allow gravity to relax any tensions.
When you feel centered and grounded, bring your attention to the contradiction. Breathe down into your chest and belly. Connect into your core.
Ask your body to show you the force of repulsion. Sense inward for an energy of resistance or pushing against. Perhaps there is some rigidity, clenching or narrowing. Notice what it’s like for you.
There’s no need to change or eliminate it. Instead, allow yourself to feel pulled and investigate the nuances of the opposition. Are you stretched, ricocheted, swung, squeezed, bounced or dangled? Is it in your back, your belly, your lungs? Allow yourself to feel it, without backing away, without assuming. Acknowledge how it is.
And now ask your body to show you a move. An action or pose that transcends the polarity. Not so much a compromise but allowing something brand new to be created in the space between the two choices. Don’t think about it. Your body is your faithful teacher; let it show you another way of holding seeming opposites. A fresh way.
Move into that pose and hold it for a few moments.
What muscles are engaged? Explore exactly where there is ease or discomfort. What happens if you breathe into it or adjust it slightly? How is this different from holding the two incompatible forces?
Now stretch and move in whatever ways feel right. Notice how it feels to have space for other ways. And consider how these new options might apply to the contradiction you were holding. What do you notice is possible from this new stance? What else can you see from here?
Guided Meditation
I also created a 20-minute guided meditation for you Being in the Contradictions of Parenthood.
Wishing you ease in knowing that many things are true and many ways are good ways.
