Talk it Through or Let It Go? - Experiments in Communicating with your Teenager

There's an old saying that parents should choose their battles and, while I abhor the war references, I know we've all made these kinds of choices. Especially when our kids are so certain in their opinions (as long as they’re contrary to ours), so quick to become loud and defensive or collapse into hurt, so governed by their changing brains and bodies, we wonder time and again whether we should bring something up or just let it go.

Obviously, we can't discuss every single one of their behaviors. And sometimes we just can't face another confrontation. But then sometimes, if we say nothing, we let it go again because we didn’t say anything last time, and soon a little problem has become a big, festering problem.

So, how do you know when to let it go and went to talk about it?

In the ‘choose your battles’ metaphor there’s a sense of winning or losing. But really, both talking about it and letting it go are valid choices. And both can support the sense of connection in your relationship.

Two Experiments

If you regularly find yourself in this quandary, you might want to experiment with a different approach to your communications to keep the relationship alive and evolving.

So consider this: you have a bias. Either you’re someone who usually wants to talk things through or you generally prefer to let things go. And of course, your young adult child’s preference may be different from yours.

Experiment 1 Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Each time you interpret your big kid’s behaviour in a way that triggers your anger, fear or sadness, ask yourself, “What other, less triggering, reasons might they have had for behaving in that way?”

State at least three reasons.

This helps you remember their good intentions and caring for you and see their wrongdoing in the larger context of your relationship. Instead of thinking that “they always do this, it’s deliberate, etc.”, you’ll see it as an exception and neutralize your trigger.

Post-experiment Reflections

What resistance did you feel when faced with the prospect of giving them the benefit of the doubt? What thoughts did you have about not being able to or not wanting to do this? Maybe something like, “Then they’ll just be getting away with it” or “They never take responsibility for hurting me”?

Where do you feel that resistance in your body and how could you release its grip on you?

How might considering more possible reasons for their behaviour contribute to the connection between you?

Experiment 2 Try what they prefer.

If your young adult usually wants to have an extensive, blowout discussion and you generally prefer to let things go, then offer to have the big discussion and meet them in their style of resolving things.

Or if you're the one who always wants to talk about it, offer to let it go. Or let it go until you can find some relaxed uninterrupted time together. Or let it happen in a number of conversations over several days.

If you do choose to talk about it, ensure that you're paying attention to your own assumptions and interpretations, remaining curious about your kid’s experience, and wholeheartedly looking for a way forward that works for both of you.

If you choose to let it go, you will need to find your inner sense of security and really, truly let it go. For you, that might mean writing in your journal, running 5k, talking with a friend who will give you space to cry and yell, having a long sauna, or bringing it up in your next coaching session. So you can find your way back to connection.

Reflections

What was particularly difficult about changing your approach and what does this tell you about your own patterns?

What kind of things seem to get better or worse when you talk about them or let them go?

What results did you observe from talking about it or letting it go and how, if at all, did your perspective change over time?

I’ll be honest, the first time I tried these, it was uncomfortable. I had had a habit of becoming resentful when I let things go, so intentionally engaging in conversations I didn’t want to have had me taking lots of deep breaths and feeling for my feet on the floor.

But I gained some clear data for myself and that gave me more confidence and a stronger sense of being in choice (instead of just having my same old reaction). I’d say it helped me become more flexible, more responsive to what’s needed in the moment with my kids and more able to stay connected.

And that’s my primary goal.

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