The Parenting Skill No One Talks About: Staying With What Is
Learning to be with what is is no small feat.
It’s an ongoing process of noticing when I’m making events mean something about me - that I screwed up, don’t belong, don’t deserve… Noticing when I’m making situations mean that I should have foreseen something… Noticing when I’m striving to make things go a certain way, make people see it the way I’m seeing it. In short, striving to control one aspect of life or another.
I’m gradually developing my ability to meet the truth of the moment. Well, more accurately, my willingness to BE IN what’s really happening in the moment.
Because I’m not always willing.
I recognize my unwillingness sometimes, ploughing ahead with my agenda, closing my ears to what’s being said, pretending something different is happening, or making meaning that isn’t there. It's a natural human reaction - because what’s really happening in the moment can feel risky.
Raising young adults, we are often pulled into situations we wish we weren’t. We try to prepare. We rehearse what to say. We do our breathing exercises. But then, there they are in front of us, saying they’re going to take on an extra job or switch out of academic math or get a tattoo.
And while we fully intend to be present with them, our system is already busy measuring the risks. What if I go into a little farther in this conversation and then get to a point where I don’t know what to do? What if I look awkward/stupid/ out of my depth? What if there are big emotions I can’t handle? What if I get hurt? And the big one: What if I rupture our relationship even more?
These aren’t just wild imaginings; they’re real possibilities. It’s no wonder that your system wants to stay on safe ground, make your point and control what you can. Add to that the day you’ve had and your lack of bandwidth for traveling down one more poorly lit off-ramp. Of course, you just want to stick to your plan and get the whole thing over with. Of course you do. We all do.
And later, when we look back on it, we wonder how we can develop more capacity to be with - stay with -whatever comes.
How can I create more spaciousness within myself for all the unexpected conversations and circumstances? How can I accept what’s happening willingly? How can I work with the present, instead of against it?
Because I can think of thousands of times that I’ve worked against the present. Picture me with my heels dug into the dirt, single-handedly holding back the flood, resisting what's actually happening. Or, just as often, striving so damn hard to make things go a certain way, steering my projects, my marriage and my kids’ lives. Poof, I feel tired just thinking about all the energy I’ve put into anticipating, managing, planning and pushing.
That was then.
Now I practice:
Presence. This might sound like, “I notice I’m feeling powerless. My son is making decisions I wasn’t expecting. I don’t agree. He has some good reasons. He sounds resolute. I feel like I don't have a voice. I don’t know what to say.” Just naming what's happening inside me.
Acceptance. “It’s ok for that feeling to be here right now. No need to push it away or transpose it into something more comfortable. I’m ok with powerlessness at this moment.”
In fact, “I’m ok with this right now” has become my go-to phrase. It eases my heartrate a little and creates space for my actual experience. It doesn’t feel like a capitulation or stepping into battle; it feels like taking it in and letting that be enough for now.
I take a breath and trust myself.
I’ll know what to do next when the next moment comes.
That’s all I need to know.
All you need to know.
What's Your Acceptance Phrase?
My invitation is for you to find a short phrase that helps you accept your current experience a little more. Something that’s personal to you and feels like solid support when you say it. Words that truly help you be with the moments of your life and your relationship with your young adult as those moments appear on the path before you.
What comes to mind? It doesn’t have to be profound or poetic – but words that’ll come easily to you when you feel yourself pushing against what your teenager is really saying or how they're handling the situation.
Then try it out:
When you notice your resistance to what’s happening i.e. that thought, feeling, urge or sense of leaving, say your phrase out loud. "That's ok" or “It makes sense to feel this way” or “I give myself permission to feel this”.
Observe its effect on you. What changes in your body? What emotions bubble up (or don’t)? What impact does it have on what runs through your mind? Does it support your acceptance of the moment?
It might feel weird at first, so please do it at least 10 times before you tell yourself there have been no benefits. Then adjust accordingly.
You can make it even more powerful by pairing it with a physical movement. Our bodies need signals when we’re changing things up and then they can really support us with the shift. You might say, “This is alright” while dropping your shoulders. Or “I’m ok with this” with a small smile or self-hug.
You can also build on this practice by intentionally incorporating the phrase into your daily routine, in your morning meditation, walking the dog or in a pause after brushing your teeth. Like going to the gym, this will build the habit of saying the phrase.
Then, when the unexpected happens (which can be almost every day when you’re raising young adults) you’ll be more able to shift from resistance to acceptance. You’ll feel more willingness to stay with what’s really happening right now, right here, with your kid.
And they will feel your willingness and your presence. They probably won’t be able to articulate it but, trust me, their system will register it, feel the safety and allow them to be more present as well.
And in that environment, you can both remember your intentions, say what you really mean and bring what’s in your hearts into the room.
