3 Ways to Get to the Truth with Your Teenager

Uncertainty is hard. I think this is our system’s worst nightmare: not fully knowing what's going on, not knowing what someone really means, or not knowing what's going to happen.

Our brains really don’t like unknowns so they fill in the blanks as best they can, trying to create a picture that feels clearer and, therefore, safer.  And this is a great feature when you're driving and you see someone up ahead of you hitting the brakes. You don’t know exactly what's going on but your brain assumes that there's a problem that will affect you and it moves your foot off the gas pedal. 

But when your mind jumps to conclusions in your relationships, it causes trouble. With only bits and pieces of information or information that hasn't been verified, it makes assumptions about what your teenager is thinking and feeling. Then we automatically act like it’s probably right when it could just as probably be wrong.

And if you're like a lot of parents and, when faced with unknowns, your mind tends to take the fearful route, then those assumptions will be negative ones. Like, when your teenager slinks silently to their room and your mind assumes they’re going into a deep funk. Or when they say “No” and it concludes that you’re being challenged before you've heard them out. Or when they start yelling and your mind assumes that you're under some kind of threat and you’d better run.

Your mind fills in the blanks with stories based on some past experiences but not on what’s really happening in the moment. Instead of accepting not knowing what’s happening for the other person, it makes up meaning that isn't even there. These kinds of assumptions create a rift between you and your teenager, or they widen a rift that already exists.

When you're in a relationship with a young adult who's instinctively differentiating themselves from you, trust is essential. No one wants assumptions made about them and, when you’re navigating adolescence, it’s of dire importance that people see who you are right now. If they don’t, then they’re hard to trust. Your assumptions erode the relationship because they erode trust. 

Obviously, the remedy is plenty of honest communication so you can get to the truth with your teenager. But you can't do that unless you can recognize and interrupt the assumptions.  Here’s how: 

1. What's happening in me right now?

Self-awareness arrives in lovely ways on a yoga mat or a weekend retreat. But self-awareness is much more challenging when we're in the middle of a conversation with our teenager and emotions are swirling around us like dark clouds.

When tension starts to rise between you and your big kid, your focus is on them. “What are they going to do? What are they feeling?” When you hear assumptions like, “They’re doing that to annoy me” or “He’s mad at me”, that’s when to shift the focus to yourself. Pause and ask, “What’s really happening in me right now?”

And answer it.

Well, I feel tension in my shoulders, kind of heated and I’m breathing shallowly...

Oh, I’m having a reaction. And so how I’m seeing the situation right now might not be accurate.

In the speed and fog of tense interactions, it's hard to tell then if your mind is operating with real data or just filling in some blanks. Just recognizing this fact creates space for other possibilities.

2. Ask.

There’s a deep-rooted belief that mothers must somehow know what to do in every situation with our kids, like it’s a biological component of being a mother or we have full access to divine mothering wisdom. There’s a huge pressure to know everything and that certainly feeds the habit of jumping to conclusions.

And it makes us forget to ask for more information.

A solid connection with your teenager involves understanding each other. And understanding comes from asking. You asked them when they were five what they liked about dinosaurs, now you ask them what they think about global politics, sexual consent, gun laws, antidepressants, the real stuff. 

And in the conversation, you can even ask more:

How are you seeing that?

Do you mean __ ?

Are you upset that I set a curfew or about the way I said it or about missing a certain event with your friends?

Seek to understand so you’re not living on half-baked assumptions.

3. Give them insight into your mind.

It's OK to tell our kids what we're working on and what skills we’re trying to build. It’s good for them to witness adult self-development and it demonstrates your humility and your trust.

“When we were talking about the curfew and you got upset, my mind immediately assumed that you didn't respect me. Sometimes it’s like there's a little automatic switch in me. When I’m presented with a different opinion, my brain immediately jumps to conclusions about being disregarded, discounted and disrespected. I'm trying to be more aware of that. Sorry, I didn’t actually know if you were feeling respectful or not.”

You'll be surprised by what you hear next. 

We humans are constantly making plans and convincing ourselves that we know what’s going to happen. We hear someone speak and think we know what they’re like... even our kids. What wonderful doors are opened when we recognize our assumptions and open ourselves to learning more and experiencing what really is.