What Your Teenager's Behaviour DOESN'T Mean

“Go ahead,” the facilitator said, “Let that inner voice speak out loud.”

And I froze. Literally. My body went cold, my limbs vanished. Holy shit. How could I let another person hear how that voice talks to me?

I was in a coach training program learning more about the types of inner saboteurs. I’d done plenty of this work, both personally and professionally, and had a pretty solid awareness of my inner dialogue... 

But, let it out into a room of strangers? What would they think?

Then I took a deep breath and out came that voice that criticizes and shames me. My voice was harsh and venomous, my face contorted with disgust.

I’d never felt so naked in my life.

And in that moment, I learned how to hear that saboteur – really hear her - not just catch a snippet and do a quick sidestep. And that became an essential step in my healing and awakening.

Since then, I've helped many moms do the same. And today, I thought I’d share nine of the inner voices that we've faced together in coaching sessions - what they actually hear inside their heads when dealing with their young adult kid. It's honest and raw. And since something might resonate with you, I've included some ways to dive a little deeper on your own. 

Voice 1  They're doing this on purpose to annoy me.

This thought pattern keeps putting you in your defense mode. And then you react in ways you regret and say things you can’t take back.

The truth is that your teenager doesn't wake up and hatch a plan to ruin your day. They’re going through their day, and their charged behaviours happen because they haven't acquired certain skills yet or parts of their brain that aren’t developed yet. They're probably trying to communicate something to you or get some sense of control in their constantly shifting world.

If thinking they’re deliberately trying to annoy you is familiar to you, what would you need to do in a moment like that, right when the thought occurs, to be able to consider the behaviour objectively?

For some moms, it’s the simple shift from, “Why are they doing this to me?” to “Why are they doing this?”  

Voice 2  They should know better by now.

This way of thinking loads up resentment and you assume that they know the right thing to do but they just won't do it.

But it's really that they can't do it - not yet. Because their adolescent brain is still governed by uncontrollable impulses. Rather than feeling indignant, notice your assumption that they're choosing this behaviour and adopt the belief that your teenager's behaviour is them doing their best with the capabilities they have right now. This is part of ‘believing in your kid’ – believing in them in the tough moments. 

Maybe the shift is from "they should know better by now" to "they don't know better right now."

In what ways will you coach, model and encourage impulse awareness? What will it take for you to do so without resentment or impatience? 

Voice 3  If I don't fix this right now, their future is doomed.

You might be thinking that’s kind of extreme but this is a subtle belief that sits quietly in the background for so many moms. And when something difficult happens, it rips through you like a tempest, tightening the vice grip on your belly, sending a lightning bolt to your heart and howling, “Do something!”

This belief, when you carry it around all day, every day, puts your system on 24/7 high alert and has your brain turning their mistakes and dubious choices into full-blown disasters.

Your logical brain knows that a D in History, a stinky bedroom or a string of hurtful girlfriends doesn't determine the rest of their life. Your heart sees them struggling and feels compelled to rescue them. And that kind of panic-driven "help" does more damage than good.

If you’re working on soothing this kind of thought pattern, you’ll find a previous article with some practices and reflection questions HERE.  

Voice 4  If I lighten up, they'll walk all over me.

A part of you is convinced that you need to be strong and rigid. Like an over-vigilant crossing guard, she’s committed, that’s for sure, and she believes she’s keeping that teenager safe between the lines, but it's exhausting. And it’s causing so much friction between them.

And being gentle, collaborative and flexible? She wants to but she’s afraid that, if she looks away for a second or releases a bit of control, all hell will break loose and she’ll never get control again.

Find a comfy spot, sit her down and ask her, with a great deal of compassion, “What do you think ‘not having control’ would mean about you as a mother?” 

Voice 5  They don't care about consequences.

Arrrrghhhh. They're always so lazy and disrespectful. When is this ever going to end?

If you're plagued with this impatience, maybe it’s time to remind yourself that your teens' priorities are different from yours.  Naturally. They're navigating the present and you're thinking about their future. They're thinking about what a friend said and you're thinking about dishes still sitting in the dishwasher.

You can't force someone to care about something they don't care about. So, how might you connect your expectations to what matters to them? 

Voice 6  They're in a mood so there must be something wrong.

You're the night watchwoman and any signs of disturbance jolt you into full attention. Yikes, what was that?

But not every heavy sigh, outburst or shutdown is a sign of crisis. Big emotions and mood swings are symptoms and not necessarily the severe diagnosis your nervous system is coming up with. Nor is there anything wrong with any of us feeling blue, being scared or getting mad. Nor do all these events need your comment or intervention.

How might you practice observing the patterns and discerning when to inquire? 

Voice 7  If they pull away, I'm losing them.

Oh, there’s that spot in our hearts that holds the joy and pain of letting them go. It convinces us that their drive for independence is actually rejection of us. And then we panic and cling way too tightly.

Teenagers need to separate from us, oppose us and differentiate from us. It’s essential and, deep down, we want them to. And they still need you. Just differently.

Reflect on 1) what your heart needs when they pull away, and 2) how you can give them space and still be a steady place for them to land. 

Voice 8  Everyone else's kid is doing better than mine.

I coached a mom a couple of years ago who, when those words came out of her mouth, she stopped, stared into space like she was in a trance and then said, “That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to admit.”It’s like moms are set up - at schools, on the sports fields, during family gatherings – to compare how we’re doing with others. And your parenting, quite subconsciously, becomes aimed at catching up with others, instead of what's happening right now and what your teen actually needs.

Please stop making conclusions from your neighbour's Facebook pics or highlight reels. Every one of us, including me, has different kids and different struggles playing out behind the scenes.

What little move will help you bring your focus back to supporting the unique young adult right there in front of you? 

Voice 9  I’m really screwing this up.

The moms I’ve met who carry this guilt around like boulders in their backpack were either,

• overcompensating, taking excessive measures to undo their mistakes, sending mixed signals, being annoyingly ‘extra’ in their kids’ lives, or

• shutting down and giving up on themselves.

When we recognize our habitual thought patterns, we gain the ability to interrupt them and make different choices. Because we're ALL figuring it out as we go and we're ALL messing up our kids in one way or another. This is the truth of the journey we embarked on all those years ago. 

And that's what they really need from us - to see their mom as a real human being who’s practicing, learning, screwing up, adjusting, building new capabilities and evolving. 

Photo by Luuk Endhoven 🇳🇱 on Unsplash