Mama, when you’re anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated and confused about parenting your teen, your nervous system might be telling you lies... ok maybe not lies, but it's definitely creating illusions, guesses and assumptions.
Here are some I’ve heard recently from parents who, like you, are doing their best parenting young adults. Please read with compassion.
"I feel uncomfortable about my daughter’s decision. I just know it's wrong".
She's 24 years old, living on her own and she has decided to get a tattoo. You don't know a lot about tattoos. It's not something that you and your friends did when you were 24. You worry about infections. And what if she doesn't like it in a couple of years? What if it ruins her chances for a job in the future?
Those are your own fears, though, not your daughter’s. Your nervous system tells you that there's risk involved but, my dear, the risk is not yours, it's hers.
Your system says you should raise these concerns to make sure she's sure, but really it’s a plea for more peace for yourself.
Your real task is to recognize what your system is telling you. Literally, “Oh, my system is telling me tattooing is dangerous. I feel some panic, flutters in my chest and dryness in my mouth. There’s a sense of uh-oh danger in me.”
Then ask yourself that essential parenting questions...What part of this is mine?
The fear is yours; the decision is hers.
So, face your fear and create your own peace. Learn about the safety of present-day tattooing. Visit a few tattoo places to assuage your fear. Deal with the part that's yours.
"When my son puts me in the position of having to change my plans at the last-minute, they are being disrespectful."
Your system tells you that because it’s more comfortable when you’re following your plan. It likes knowing what's going to happen and prefers not to experience the fluster of making calls, canceling appointments and re-organizing the rest of your day or week. No, your system doesn't like that and so it jumps to the conclusion that your kid is purposely causing you this discomfort.
And that's not true
What really happened was that he's been pushed to the outside of his friend group lately. And right at the end of classes today, a friend invited him to come over and hang out. It's important to him. He's not being disrespectful to you. In fact, he has probably anticipated your annoyance and weighed the consequences of even asking.
What's really up is that your system is thrown off from its intended course. Your job in this moment is not to accuse him of disrupting your plan, nor to blame him for your discomfort. Your job here is to calm and reassure your system so that you can act from your kind, wise center.
What’s your way of doing that? Do you close your eyes and take a few gentle breaths? Do you stretch or feel for your feet firmly on the ground?
Bring your attention to the fact that you're a little off balanceandyou’re still OK. Then, when you can sense that you’re safe, question the conclusions your nervous system has invented and open wide enough to consider what else might be true.
"When my teenager shouts that I don't care and I don't understand them, I have to protect myself."
In your nervous system, it's a pretty simple equation. Picture two medieval armies facing each other. I’m being attacked; therefore, I must fight.
But are you being attacked? Is this really true? Or is this an adolescent short on sleep and long on hormones needing to blame someone, anyone, for all their anguish and confusion?
Every mother I know has had this yelled at them. It's a way teenagers release tension and big feelings. And it's a way for them to separate from you, a reason to move farther out from under your wing, as they must do. It helps them feel independent.
So, what's your parenting move in that moment? Appraise the messages from your body. Am I really in danger? What's really going on here?
And then do something physical to reassure your nervous system that you're not under attack. This might involve lowering your hips and feeling a stable stance. Don't just think 'I am calm'; engage your body to convey the message. Some of us bounce to release the tension, others expand their peripheral vision to see that they’re not in harm's way.
Pause here for a moment. Can you name your ways?
This is pure gold for you: knowing what presumptive message your system is likely to send in certain situations with your kid, recognizing them when they happen and making a small physical shift that allows you, right then and there, to respond differently from your first urge.
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Your nervous system is good for so many things, like bringing your attention to the road when the conditions are slippery or letting you know how excited you are about your new project.
But when it comes to navigating the twist and turns of raising young adults, you can’t take for granted that it's giving you true or complete information.
Question it and you will find your center. Recognize that there are other possibilities and you will find yourself creating opportunities for exploration and connection with your kid.
Understand too that the young person across from you is also receiving messages from their nervous system and operating under assumptions that may not be true or complete. May we see them as real, beautifully complex individuals whose brains are still developing and who, like us, are striving to express their essence and digest their experience of the world.
And may we nurture within ourselves greater acceptance of the diversity of Human Nature, of which we and our children are tiny drops in the bucket.
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