Is There a Word for This Kind of Pain?

Maybe there are mothers on the planet who have never felt this kind of pain in their parenting. But I haven’t met them. 

For most of us in this stage of parenting teens and young adults, we’ve felt it. But we might not have put a word to it. Might not have called it agony, distress or anguish.

And that’s because it’s a kind of suffering that doesn’t happen all at once. Gradually, your kid becomes quieter around you. One word answers. Conversations that stay safely at the surface… or no conversations for weeks.

You can see that they’re struggling and you want to help, but they make it clear they don’t want to talk with you. They slip into their room and close the door.

You try to reach them — with carefully times inquiries or firm expectations — but nothing changes, nothing opens or softens. The way you’ve parented in the past just isn’t working any more, not with this kid. You’ve tried everything you can think of and you’re out of ideas. And energy.

And there it is: you don’t really know how to support them.

And that hurts. What’s the word for that pain? Not just helplessness or guilt, not just ache or grief. It’s deeper than that.

An inner voice will say that you’ve been disrespected, unappreciated, rejected, mistrusted or treated unfairly. And beneath that layer of self-protection, it touches something deeper in you. You feel the uneasiness of your relationship, the awkwardness that sits between you, the stepping around each other, and the way you look at each other with pain in your hearts.

The word for that mothers’ pain is disconnection.

It’s more than the disconnection that anyone might feel, but the stab a mother feels when disconnected from her child. It’s different — more acute, more visceral. A jagged rock in your stomach, an ceaseless headache or a clamp tightening on your heart.

It feels wrong. This isn’t how you imagined it would be. This isn’t how you were going to parent.

And you start wondering, am I pushing too hard or not doing enough? Am I crowding them or leaving them too much on their own? Should I keep talking or allow the silence? You love them and want them to be well and happy… if only they’d let you in. 

Dear Mama, when your mind is busy thinking, thinking, running scenarios and creating tactics, and your heart is full of self-doubt and self-blame, it’s time to head in a different direction.

Your relationship with your teen doesn’t shift after they get through whatever they’re going through. It shifts when you begin showing up differently.

Steadier.

Clearer.

More “in” it.

More open. 

I’ve witnessed this time and time again: A mother embarking on a coaching journey to quieten her anxiousness and untangle her patterns. She gradually shushes voices that told her she had to fix her teen or try to force some sense of connection. She makes room for the wiser, more grounded parts of her Self to emerge. Parts that were curled up inside her as she navigated toilet training and lunch boxes, parts that she needs now in this complex stage of parenting.

Step by step, interaction by interaction, she develops a way of communicating that feels true to herself. Guiding and supporting them without rattling through conversations on nerves alone. Without abandoning her boundaries or self-respect. Without expending every ounce of her energy on worrying. Without parking her warmth for later. 

And I’ve seen her exhale with an immense relief.

Because her teen/ young adult senses the changes in their mom. They feel something different in their interactions and subtle changes in the space between them. They start trusting it and opening up a little more. Narrowing the gap between them. Having talks that move them forward. Hanging out with ease.

And that ache of disconnection the mother’s heart?

It dissolves.

She’s more grounded. Confidently navigating the tricky, tender stuff. She’s in her integrity, saying what she means and parenting how she intends. She has a steadiness about her and a feeling of ‘yes’ sitting in her belly. And the big love for her child glowing in her heart. 

If you’ve been sitting with this and feeling a quiet nudge, maybe it’s time to listen to that. Book us a time to chat and let’s see if we’re a good fit to take this journey together.