It's so hard some days, parenting teens and young adults, some months… the seemingly constant backtalk, accusation and opposition, the equally painful eye rolls and silences. You try everything you can think of. You're firm and it pushes them away. You give in and it doesn’t bring them any closer. You cry and they think you’re pathetic. You yell and they think you’re mean.
And you make new strategies: When he starts yelling, I’ll take three deep breaths. When she heads for her bedroom without saying hello, I’ll start a causal conversation. When he refuses to help with the chores, I’ll explain why he needs to share the responsibilities.
It takes up a LOT of your energy.
And, tired and disheartened, you think, “This can’t be how parenting young adults is supposed to go. I must be doing it wrong."
How am I supposed to know how to parent a kid with ADHD, anorexia or depression?
How can I be a good mother to a child with social anxiety, self-loathing or fits of rage?
Why did I end up with a kid who is so feisty, timid or air-headed?
And the ultimate doubt...
Am I the right parent for this kid?
The answer is YES - because you’re willing to learn and grow and change.
You are opening your eyes to who your child really is (not the image you've created of them nor who they were last year nor who you hope they'll become) and that helps you become grounded in truth and better equipped for the job.
You're seeing yourself in the mirror (warts, superpowers and all) and new aspects of yourself are surfacing.
You're investigating the ingrained belief or assumption that holds you captive in an unpleasant pattern with your kid so that you’ll no longer be doomed to keep repeating it.
You're going gently toward your wound to learn and heal, so it will no longer provoke reactions that you regret.
You are building trust in that spark of possibility in you, making space for it and nurturing it, so it can actually come to light. That spark is your new way of parenting this kid. It’s already within you and that, in and of itself, makes you the right parent for this kid.
How do I know?
Mothers come to me with seemingly impossible situations: unbearable silence, reckless behaviour, constant opposition, dishonesty, screaming matches and physical aggression. And, as they tell their story, they make a seemingly insignificant comment and suddenly I see light streaming in around them and an image begins to form in front of me, a glimpse of their future self.
I have seen mothers who would evolve into the Welcoming Peach Tree, the Open-minded Cartographer, the Intuitive Jazz Pianist and the Heartland Steward, the part of them that’s the right mother for their kid at this stage of their life.
What lies latent within you, dear one, that’s ready to come forward now?
What glimpses have you caught of your future self?
What comes to you when you dream of how it could be, how you could be?
That’s the part of you that will navigate your child's mental illness, hostility or despair. The part that already knows how to stay steady in what feels like a hailstorm. New aspects of you that can quickly distinguish your assumptions from what is really happening. The part that can feel frustration, resentment and fear and still stay present with your kid without shutting down or lashing out.
You've been developing new capabilities your whole life. Again, you can bring out what’s lying just below your surface and develop that new way of being that’s right for you in this chapter.
This is the sacred path of motherhood. You trust in the rightness and goodness of the relationships you’ve been blessed with. You develop yourself as your children grow to sustain the alignment between your hearts and souls. This is what makes you the right parent.
A little gift...
This doubt is such a tender part of mothering so I made a guided meditation for you. It's serene, reassuring and heartwarming. May it bring you peace.
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