Got an overly dramatic teenager in your house?

Photo by Lori K Walters

Scenario 1: What would happen if your doctor said the problem was your fibula when it was actually your knee?

You’d be angry, for sure. You’d lose your confidence in their knowledge and trustworthiness. Once they’ve made an incorrect diagnosis, they can’t really un-make it.

Scenario 2: What would happen if you were 16 and flailing around in all sorts of big emotions and your mom said you were way over the top, out of line or just seeking attention?

You’d be angry, for sure. You’d lose your confidence in her knowledge and trustworthiness.

Feeling that?

But we’ve all been around a teenager who is having a hard time, acting like a spoiled child and/or whining that this is the WORST THING EVER.

You feel empathetic at first, but it goes on and on and on and on. It gets under your skin and thoughts and feelings start to bubble up, especially when they use it as an excuse to avoid their chores, or make you feel guilty for not letting them go meet with their friend, who is the ‘only one in the world’ that understands. You turn away and roll your eyes.

Let’s pause it here.

Where are you in this scene?

• In that moment when you’re just about to roll your eyes at their behavior, what’s uncomfortable about it for you?

• What thoughts are running internally? Say them out loud. "They’re wasting my time. I’m not sure what to do. I was never allowed to erupt like that when I was a kid. They’re trying to shift all their angst onto me."

• Can you identify the main feelings you experience at that moment when your eyes begin to roll or a ‘huff’ threatens to escape your lips? Are you feeling sad, resentful, helpless, insulted, rejected, used, guilty, disappointed…? Or are you absorbing their emotions?

• What words are you about to utter? You’re being such a drama queen. C’mon, it’s not that big of a deal. I don’t care how hard this is, you still need to pull your weight around here. You’re acting like a spoiled brat. Grow up. Get over it already.

This is all you. This is you in this scene, and not about any of the other actors.

So, what would you need to be able to head off the eye roll?

Because they’re already confused about everything they’re feeling. Your teenager’s emotional capacity is expanding 5 times faster than the intellect they need to regulate those emotions, let alone articulate them.

And they’re already feeling alone. When you accuse, shame and label them, they get the message loud and clear that you want to be around them when they’re experiencing some emotions, but not others.

And here’s the truth of it: you don’t want to be around them when they have feelings that you’re uncomfortable with or feelings that were dangerous when you were a child or that make you feel like a bad parent or make you feel like you’ve lost control or trigger your own dysregulation.

It’s understandable when you do this. And please recognize that this is about your stuff, not theirs.

Your teenager is already rejecting the emotions they’re feeling. They don’t need to hear that the pandemonium they feel inside is unacceptable to you too.

So...

If you had a magic wand when they’re making something into a Big Deal, and you’ve taken some slow breaths, diverted any rushed conclusions and avoided the blame/shame road, what would you really like to be able to say or do?

I ask this because so many parents tell me, “This way of reacting just isn’t me. It’s not what I believe in and not how I want to raise my kids.” So, dear one, what behavior would be ‘you’ in this over-dramatic, high-emotions moment? What words would feel like being true to yourself? How would you stay in your parenting integrity?

Your teenager needs reassurance that what they’re going through is normal and that you will stay. Not send them away. Not make jokes to distract them. Not leave the room. Not shame them.

But you’ll stay because you get that their brain is going through a colossal renovation and that their emotional landscape is multiplying exponentially. You get that they’re going to have incongruously big reactions to seemingly simple situations and that their impulse control is out of whack. And that they can’t help it.

What they need is validation.

     "I can see this is hard for you.”

     “Yes, having that much on your plate is stressful.”

     “I get why that’s upsetting you.”

They get that they’re safe with you, even when it’s messy and sticky, and that they can trust you. They feel your empathy and it moves them one more step toward emotional balance. Surely that’s our goal.

~

Back to the doctor mistaking the source of your leg pain…

What other misdiagnoses might you make when your 'overly dramatic' teenager is having a meltdown/ blowup?

• They’re doing this on purpose.

Not true. They’re really trying to stop feeling what they’re feeling. Their whole system is running amok and they’re trying everything that comes to them, yelling, blaming, running away, plate smashing, self-hating… They'd 'just calm down and get some perspective' if they could.

• They’re trying to hurt me.

While you may be on the receiving end of insults and blame, your job here is to ensure you aren’t taking it personally. (Read this article about keeping clear emotional boundaries.)

• They’re just trying to get attention.

Ok, well, this one is probably true. Your kid is overwhelmed. These unexpected, unruly emotions have hijacked them and they are crying for your help. They need your attention and to feel seen, heard, validated and connected to someone.

And they’re scared.

They're afraid they're turning into an over-sensitive crybaby, a volatile Hulk, unreasonable, over-dramatic…  Their whole system is putting energy into escaping or defending against judgement, criticism, comparison, evaluation or anything that has them feeling like a failure (and I mean failure however they and their peer groups define it, not you).

Because, at this point in their development, with tenuous self-esteem and without mature filters, they internalize everything. And that means those failures, or perceived failures, threaten to define who they are and their value as a human.

And their value to you.

No wonder those things that appear minor to you are major to them. No wonder they need you on their team to keep their confidence intact.

When they’re 'over the top' and you feel like rolling your eyes and throwing your hands in the air, it’s exactly the time they need reassurance that your love isn’t conditional and that you can walk alongside them through this kind of muck too.

Our teenagers will either process big emotions with us because they feel safe, or they’ll hide them from us. It all comes down to how we respond.

How do you want to be able to respond?

How could you have empathy for their angst without rejecting them or joining them on the rollercoaster?

What capabilities do you already have that you can engage to walk beside them? 

 And what might those behaviors signal to your disoriented, distraught kid?

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