Why, oh, why do I keep looking at what other parenting coaches are saying? I want to keep my finger on the pulse of my corner of the world but, oooooo, it really drives me crazy sometimes.
It breaks my heart that parents of teens are subjected to half-trained 'helpers' and millionaire 'experts'. In my way of seeing things, it’s unethical and unkind, the way they offer one-size-fits-all solutions and promise quick results. How many confused, exhausted, desperate parents have jumped at such promises, hoping for something, anything, a bit of relief?
Here’s the latest offer that annoyed me: “The main reason you don’t make the impact you hope for is because you aren’t having conscious conversations with your teen… And conscious communication skills are easy to learn and apply. In just 4 lessons, you will learn….”
Arrghhh.
You and I know that building your capacity to nurture and maintain healthy accepting relationships with our young adult kids requires more than a snap of the fingers or four quick lessons. I mean, if it were that easy to learn and apply, we’d all be doing it perfectly already, right?
Most of us have read books and watched webinars like that. But when you try to apply those ‘easy lessons’ IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT WITH YOUR KID, all that theory is like smoke vanishing into the atmosphere.
Let’s say, for example, that what’s front and center for you right now is your kneejerk reaction to your son making muffled rude comments as he leaves the room. Maybe what fires up is your inner “Don’t you dare talk to me like that, you ungrateful…” Maybe it stems from a belief that, as an adult, you automatically deserve to be spoken to respectfully. Or that you’ve sacrificed so much and given them so much that their gratitude should be unmistakable in their tone of voice.
And then what happens?
In your reactive state IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT, you get angry and let loose the disparaging words you just can’t keep under your breath. Or you hit the ‘shame’ button and say how disappointed you are in them. Or maybe you burst into tears and crumble to the floor.
When you’re in a reactive state, falling into a familiar role and playing out what seems like your only option, the ‘four easy steps of conscious communication’ aren’t going to serve you – they aren’t even going to be accessible to you. When all your energy is being directed into your trigger and reaction, you simply aren’t resourceful enough. The steps you rehearsed are nowhere to be found.
Conscious communication skills can only be utilized when you are in a calm, balanced state.
That’s the real work we face as parents – learning how to steady ourselves when our boat is rocking (which it does often around teens and young adults).
And that’s why my work focuses on helping other parents shift away from states of worry, doubt, agitation, exhaustion, insecurity, shame… and to find their unique calm center. And, more importantly, to be able to access it in an intense parenting moment.
Because when you're steady in yourself, you can be steady in your relationship with your big kid.
Rant #2
I ran into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen for about 5 years and he asked me, tongue in cheek, why I’m not a fancy 6-figure coaching success.
One answer – my ethics.
When I became a coach, I simply wanted to help other parents stay connected with their kids. I was really resistant to the prospect of marketing my services. It felt awful because, like most of you, I’ve been hurried, harassed, baffled, intimidated and deceived by people using all the unethical marketing tactics that have become the norm. There was no way I was going to do that to anyone else, especially not the parents to whom I’m dedicated.
That’s when I set my mind to learning about ethical marketing, the non-slimy approach, because my integrity is important to me. And for me, that means:
When someone signs up for my newsletter, they don’t get a dozen emails hounding them to buy from me. I’m pretty sure you know I’m a coach and that’s how I make my living.
When I say that my complimentary coaching sessions are pitch-free, they are! There isn’t a “here's why you should work with me” at the end. I trust that, if you want to move forward with me, you’ll say so.
When a parent asks about my approach, I tell them the truth, even when I know it might turn them off. It’s important to me that they find the right coach and, hey, it might not be me.
When someone wants to know my fees, there’s no trickery or up-sells; they’re right there on my website.
When I promote an offering, there’s no clock ticking down. I let parents decide for themselves what they need and when they need it.
And while I might not lure in thousands of clients, I sleep well every night, knowing that my coaching business is adding to the greater good and attracting the kind of people I want to work with. In the end, I trust that my reputation and word of mouth will do my best marketing.
Final Rant, I Promise
This just arrived… “This week only, for just $29.99, this you can learn how to get your teenager to cooperate (big bolded red font) with you in 5 days!!!! No more nagging or reminders (flashing lights). Motivate them to take responsibility for schoolwork, chores, and more. This works because it’s not about quick fixes!!"
Sheesh….
Subscribe to Peace in My Parenting HERE.