Most Parents of Teenagers Brace Themselves (and wish they didn't)

Photo by Lori K Walters

Do you brace yourself for your teenager's reactions?

“I see her name on my phone and I immediately feel tense. I wish I didn’t, but I hold my breath and think, 'Oh no, here we go again.'”

“He walks in the room and I just know. I don't know how to describe it but I just know he's going to explode. There's a certain look. I've come to recognize it and I know what's going to happen next, so I brace myself.”

These are the words of some mothers I've been working with. Maybe you’ve said something similar yourself? 

Yes, of course, because when we're raising teenagers and young adults, we often get thrown into uncomfortable and unpleasant situations. We’ve been blamed, lied to, criticized, ignored, hurt… and, naturally, we dread going through it again (and again).

The problem is that, when we brace ourselves, it makes things worse. We say things that enflame strong emotions, we do things that feel out of alignment with our true intentions. and we end up feeling like we've failed again.

Here’s what's happening: Our brains take in a situation and relate it to something they've seen before.  It's very useful in some situations, like when a big truck comes down a rain-soaked street toward you and you back away from the curb.

The problem is that your brain uses the ‘better safe than sorry’ principle - it automatically fills in a best guess about what's going to happen next. And that often leads you to put up defenses, whether they're warranted or not.

When that mother sees her daughter's name on an incoming call, her brain gathers information from previous calls and sends messages to the body to brace for incoming insults and blame.

"But when I brace myself, all my intentions go out the window. I say things that I have firmly decided not to say. And I totally forget my plan to just stay calm and listen. I am immediately tense, and then she gets tense, which makes me more tense, which makes her more tense."

It's easy to see how they fall into their pattern. And worse, this woman’s brain gets confirmation that, when her daughter calls, there is going to be tension. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Question the assumption. 

I learned about orbits back in Physics 101. Masses, gravitational forces, vectors and such. And though I’ve forgotten most of it, I always remembered that, for Europa to go out of its orbit around Jupiter, there has to be some anomaly in the forces.

When parents are stuck in patterns with their young adult kids, they describe a loop they go round and round, like an orbit. A loop that seems to have no exit point. And I wonder, what would be the anomalous, irregular or unexpected force that would help a relationship begin to shift out of a loop?

In that moment when her son walks in and her brain says that he's going to erupt and that she needs to brace herself, she can ask, Do I?

One second, one little question. Do I really need to brace myself? Do I really know what he’s going to say?

One tiny change in the gravitational force creates the possibility of exiting that orbit.

Observe your body. 

You're probably thinking, “Sure, I’d ask myself "do I?" if I could even THINK in that kind of moment.”

And you’re right. If your body has already begun bracing itself, then energy has already been drained from the thinking part of your brain and sent over to the survival department.

And that’s why, if we are to break the habit of bracing unnecessarily and uselessly, then we must return to listening to the body, our ever-present teacher. Because when you calm your body, you shift energy back up to your prefrontal cortex so you can think rationally and see things as they really are, not how they've been imagined.

I invite you to put some words to your own experience:

How would you describe how your body braces itself? Do you feel it in your belly or legs? Do your fists tighten, your heart pound, or your teeth clench? Do you feel colder or warmer? Does your chest puff out or your shoulders curve inward?

I know my body is bracing when _____

Now think about what’s being braced against. For many, this breaks down into two categories: what it’s trying to shield you from and what it’s trying to prevent.

In that moment, my system believes it needs to brace against or protect me from _____

It does this by _____

How does bracing make things worse? _____

In what ways does that limit the potential for connection with your kid? _____

Bracing isn't working because _____

Most parents say that this part of them believes it’s protecting them when, actually, it has them doing and saying things that aren’t true to who they are, things that slowly drive their big kid away.

 One new move.

Patterns like this are disrupted with the start of one small shift - one simple action that brings you present to this moment, not what's happened in the past, not what's being projected into the future, but you, right here, right now.

• If bracing for you is clenching your chest, your new move might be to rub your chest or roll your shoulders back.

• If your way of bracing is more in your head, thoughts like, “Oh no, oh no, oh no”, interject one thought like, “I wonder”.

• If you have an instinct to retreat, your move might be to lift your feet up and place them intentionally a little more than hip width apart for a stable stance.

OK, it’s your turn. Think of only one thing that’s totally doable. 

Given that my body’s way of bracing is _____ , one move I can practice to counterbalance/ interrupt/ soothe that is to _____

What becomes possible.

“These days, when the phone rings and I see it’s her, I close my eyes just for one second. It relaxes my eyes and forehead and I feel calmer. Then, when I open my eyes, I think of it like opening myself to my daughter and whatever she might be calling to say.”

“I’m getting better at catching myself jumping to conclusions and recognizing that they are just one possibility. He might be angry, but he also might be heartbroken, confused, excited or something else. Before, I was only seeing the one scenario in my head. Now I’m seeing how he really is.”

When you practice your one simple move, what might that make possible for you? _____

And why would that be meaningful for you? _____

Being present to our young adult kids is the greatest gift. When we show up without stories and assumptions, we create an environment in which they are free to be themselves. Free to show us how they see the world and how they’re experiencing it.

And free to connect with us.

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