When you shake a snow globe, no matter which way you turn it or how hard you shake it, no matter how quickly the snowflakes and bubbles spin around, the log cabin and the big fir tree remain affixed to the solid ground.
This used to be what I desired: to feel solid on the ground. For years, that's what I sought in retreats, books, sweat lodges, rituals, workshops, etc. “Please, please, please, just show me how to stop fretting and feel anchored like that.”
I practiced and learned, and I gradually changed from being a very tense parent into, according to my kids’ friends, the “chillest mom in the neighborhood”.
But then I realized that being anchored wasn't completely what I wanted. When I started doing qigong, somatic experiencing and learning how to use my energy channeling gifts, I started to see my tendency toward agitation in a different light. I no longer wanted to feel fixed to the ground. Because, while that security was reassuring, it severely limited my ability to adapt, try new things, and evolve.
What I'm working toward is feeling composure WHILE the world swirls and dips around me and being able to move forward IN the uncertainty. I want to naturally connect with my calm centre AND go with the flow of what’s happening. More like a breeze over the fields than an anchor. Being agitated and engaged at the same time. Being truly ok in the discomfort and unknown.
These days, I’m calling that Steadiness.
When I am unsteady, my mind is foggy and my focus goes to the bumpy heart rate and upset stomach. I become agitated about the agitation (sheesh). Then I don't want to feel anything and I act in ways that are not what I intended or not even aligned with who I am.
But when I am steady, I think clearly, actually feel my emotions and choose my steps with wisely. It allows me to act within my integrity and with compassion for myself and others.
Journalling: How do you relate to cultivating your steadiness in parenting?
It may be that you have a different term than 'steadiness' for the state you desire – perhaps it’s equanimity, firmness, balance, resourcefulness or peace. If so, please just replace ‘steadiness’ with your word in the following prompts:
What steadiness do you connect to within yourself? Is it the softness of your heart, the rainbow of your chakras, the beat of your heart, a crystal column of light or golden energy circulating through you? And how exactly do you make that connection - through your mind, your breath, your muscles or something else?
What steadiness do you connect to beyond yourself? The constant turning of the Earth, the presence of your angels, the Big Love? In what ways do you make that connection? And how does it nurture you?
Whether you call it steadiness or something else, when you attain that state of being, what does it make possible for you? What can you do in that state that you can't do when you're shaky, uneven, flighty, sunken or absent?
What are two concrete, doable things you can do to be in the state of steadiness? How can you build that into your daily routine?
Practices to cultivate your steadiness
Bring your awareness to gravity. Stand on your mat or lay on the grass and feel the way gravity holds you and invites you to surrender. It's a constant.
Sense the steadiness of nature: a big old tree, the lap of the waves against the shore or the crickets' chirping. See it, hear it, taste it, move with it.
Notice all the things that help you steady yourself when you’re in motion: hand railings, shoe soles, bucket seats, walking sticks, non-slip stair strips, etc. Things to be grateful for.
On your next run or swim, tune in to the rhythm of your limbs and the way all your bones and muscles work together to carry you.
Think of the humans and animals who offer a steady energy in your life. Do something special to acknowledge that gift.
Walk on a log, train track or curb with your arms out to your sides. Ride your bike on a narrow path. Stand on one foot on a stump.
Dance in sync with your breath.
What do you want to add to your list?
Parenting teens and young adults means being tossed repeatedly into wild, disorienting situations. It comes with the job.
And so, what also comes with the job is developing your ways of accessing your steadiness, both within yourself and beyond yourself. So that when the big stuff happens, you breathe, feel your body and stay present with your kids in what’s happening in the moment. IN the relationship.
Composure and agency IN the uncertainty.
Calm in your center AND in the flow of real life.
Leaning into the steadiness of Nature all around you.
If you’d like to read more like this directly in your inbox, head HERE to subscribe to my Sunday Letter to Parents.