Hello there, Overwhelm. You back again?
These were words that I couldn’t say ten years ago. I couldn’t admit that I was overwhelmed to my kids, though it was entirely obvious. I couldn’t admit it to myself because that would mean... well, that I couldn’t handle motherhood, that I was failing as a parent.
Instead, I got mad when I felt overwhelmed. I was a vibrating mass of frustration, irrationality and reactivity. I hated it and I thrashed around trying to regain a sense of control. I regret how I behaved toward my kids in those moments, and I can see clearly now how living with an overwhelmed mom affected their nervous systems.
What is overwhelm?
You know I love words, right? So, off I went to the thesaurus… engulfed, swamped, submerged, swallowed up, drowned, flooded, inundated, drenched, drained…
When overwhelm hits us, we feel like we're fighting for air.
Overwhelm is a situation of imbalance in our system. It’s when there are more things coming at us than we can take in. More tasks than we can do. More information than we can process. More words than we can hear. More emotions than we can feel. A huge wave crashing over us, lifting our feet off the ground and stealing our stability. Upside down, unable to see, unable to breathe.
How does it start?
If I rewound the video and watched it in slow motion, I’d say that I recognize overwhelm when I feel a vibration in my body, like someone turned up a dial, and then the shaking cuts me off from my normal capabilities. In that moment, I feel powerless and panicked.
And you? We all experience the onset of overwhelm in unique ways. How exactly does it arise in you?
In your body…
Rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing, dizziness, losing sleep, headaches, fatigue, upset stomach or other aches and pains
Paralysis, avoiding tasks, avoiding other humans
Coming out swinging or, conversely, withdrawing from the scene altogether.
Disproportionate reactions, like taking offense at an innocent comment or freaking out when you can’t find your keys.
In your mind…
Confused, can't concentrate, unable to make decisions or solve basic problems.
Inflating the problem and/or negating your ability to respond.
Telling yourself that others could never understand what you’re going through.
Believing you shouldn’t be like this.
In your heart…
Infuriated, hostile, critical, embarrassed, helpless, isolated, desperate, alarmed, unsafe...
Unable to feel anything.
Take a moment here, dear one, a few deep gentle breaths.
Say it out loud and write it down.
This is how I experience the onset of overwhelm _____
WAYS to ABIDE OVERWHELM in the MOMENT
1 Name it.
As with any reactive state, the first intervention is to name what’s showing up. And say it in a way that gets you a little distance from it: “Oh, this is overwhelm coming into me.” Or “I’m experiencing overwhelm right now.”
I know this sounds a little weird but notice how different this is from saying, “I’m overwhelmed” and taking it on as your whole state of being. Naming it as an experience of an emotion(s) opens your consciousness to the possibility that overwhelm may not be everything.
2 Allow it.
With self-compassion, allow the feeling of overwhelm. Take a breath to open your chest and put your hand on your heart. "It's ok to feel this. It's uncomfortable and scary but it's ok to just notice it." Nonjudgmental acceptance, like you’d give your best friend.
If you're anything like me, you're sometimes reluctant to experience your intense feelings because you've been conditioned to think that you might go into them and never surface again. Ironically, the opposite is true. Noticing and allowing feelings, and the body sensations that accompany them, helps them peak and dissipate more quickly and smoothly.
I say, “Hello there, Overwhelm.” What will you say? _____
3 What do you need right now?
Identifying what you need in the moment can be tricky because, if the voice of overwhelm answers, it will tell you either to withdraw from the whole picture or grab your sword and come out swingin'.
Be suspicious of the impulse to withdraw; it's often produced by an unconscious sense of threat that comes from the past, not what’s happening right now. And be equally alert for the impulse to defend yourself, which is generated by an unfounded or exaggerated sense of danger.
WAYS TO WORK with OVERWHELM
It’s helpful to reflect more deeply on your experiences of overwhelm when you are not in the heat of it. Here are some suggestions:
Identify the needs that you normally have in the midst of overwhelm, such as comfort, reassurance, rest, support, clarity, groundedness, structure (or whatever else you’re aware of). Once you’ve identified a primary need, take a moment to connect with how and where it lives in you. Get familiar with this place. Next, remember how it feels in your body, mind and heart to have that need met. Finally, think of one thing you can do in your daily life to nourish this need. Peace often begins when we recognize that there are several strategies that can work.
Let others know you’re overwhelmed. And I don't say this lightly because I know that it isn't easy, especially if an inner critic says you should have it all together. If you’re avoiding people who care about you, you might text, "I am feeling overwhelmed right now and I’ll get back to you in a few days." You might be surprised at the responses you get because, when we're courageous and vulnerable, it connects others to their humanity and opens their hearts. There's no doubt that such honesty leads to more authentic, trustworthy relationships in your life.
Breathe. Learn breathing techniques that give you relief or find someone offering breath journeys. This can be a life-changing path for people who often experience overwhelm.
Never underestimate the calming, reassuring effects of touch. Reach out to someone you feel safe with and ask for a hug or schedule yourself a massage. Practice receiving.
EXPLORE THE ‘WHY’
Everyone experiences overwhelm at some point but for many it can be so limiting that daily life becomes challenging. And that’s a problem when you’re raising kids because life keeps going, doesn't it?
To counteract overwhelm in parenting, many of us create rules and routines that give us a sense of control and stability in our lives. But this approach can also limit new experiences and restrict the breadth of our lives. And so, we are called to take a look at the roots.
The root of overwhelm lies in our past. As children, we learned from our caregivers what’s safe and what’s not. This knowledge was stamped into the bones and muscles we were forming. It tells us when to be afraid of new situations. And more deeply, woven into the strands of our DNA, are the experiences of our ancestors who had no choice but to fear changes and new situations - their survival depended on it.
At the point when the wave hits, the wave of all these fears contained in your body is powerful. It crashed in on you and you experience the physical, cognitive and emotional reactions you identified above.
But even ingrained fears can be examined. We can lean in and hold up a lantern to illuminate what we couldn't see ten years ago. We can delve in and learn more about ourselves:
Was chaos present in your early life? Were adults unpredictable?
What did you learn to do to help yourself feel safer or more in control?
How is that approach affecting your parenting?
What’s one practice you’ll implement to help you experience overwhelm differently at this point in your life?
What will that make possible for you?
Dear one, you are an explorer and pioneer. You're conscious of raising the next generation and setting the course of the world. Of course, you feel overwhelmed at times. But going under the wave of overwhelm is not your path.
Greet it and allow it to move through you, like a breeze or a beam of light. Inhaled, then exhaled.
This is how you were made, with this built-in steadiness, this natural rhythm. Trust it and tap into it as you walk the parenting path in this beautiful, messy mystery of life.
Subscribe to Peace in My Parenting