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How your choice of words creates new parenting possibilities.

Lori K Walters

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Our language is a powerful influence on life. Our ancestors honoured their story-keepers, bards and orators. They repeated the epics, prayers, ballads and mantras with precision and reverence. They believed, from centuries of natural human experience, that those words profoundly affected the reality in which they resided, and the world they passed down to us.


Our words are like the seeds that we cast out in front of ourselves, planting our tomorrows as we walk our path through life. And as such, your language matters. A lot.


Your choice of words facilitates or hampers the changes you’re working on within yourself. The way you speak about your aspirations impacts the likelihood of realizing them. The words you use to express your emotions influence the way they move through you.


And in your role as a parent, your every word is registered by your kids, consciously or subconsciously. They pick up your phrases and tones and, often unwittingly, repeat them or, in their teenage years, start saying the opposite or speak in an intentionally different way.


Recently I’ve been paying attention to my language, both my spoken words and those that linger just under my tongue, particularly with respect to parenting. What I’ve seen is a close connection between my unresourceful states of being and the flavour of my language.


Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Did I feel anxious and then say I can’t do it? Or did I express my inability and then feel anxious? Either way, there’s a link.




From Limitation to Parenting Possibilities


There are some ways of speaking that I notice in myself, and the many of the mothers I coach, that deny and deter possibility. I invite you to listen for your own voice in these patterns.



CAN’T

You know what this sounds like. "I can’t be the one to break the silence. I can’t accept that he quit his job. I can’t stand by and watch her fail. I can’t let go. I can’t stop worrying. I can’t say what I want to say."


In their simplest forms, these phrases assert that something is impossible. There’s no potential for change and this suggests that there’s really no point in trying.


Are there parenting situations in which you tend to fall into saying “can’t”, either internally or out loud?

What happens when you change that to “can”?

I can break the silence.

I can accept that he quit his job.

I can stop worrying.


Can you feel the expansiveness of this language? It can open your chest, straighten your spine and calm your belly. When you say you believe, your heart is ‘in’ it. The universe begins to align things and your unconscious mind starts selecting strategies and watching for opportunities to make it happen.


What’s the parenting move you tell yourself you can’t make? Try saying you can. Out loud.


Feels like BS? Of course it does, your subconscious will cling to the old, familiar belief. So what?


Take a deep, slow breath, exhale, soften your belly, and say it again. For the next repetition, change the tone of your voice and notice what shifts. With subsequent repetitions, change your facial expression, your posture, and then your body stance.


What becomes possible?



HAVE TO

"I have to make sure she is prepared. I have to be there in case he needs me. I have to take care of that myself." How quickly these two little words undermine your agency.

  • Do you really have no choice?

  • What part of you surrenders her agency or closes her eyes to the choices that are available?

  • What does your that part of you get out of saying she has to? Believing she has to? Making sure others know she has to?  

The alternative is choosing. "I choose to do this to prepare her for adult life. I have the option to listen to him more closely. I’m choosing not to pick up the pieces when he does that again." 


Making choices in your life is a sacred privilege. Use it. Sow the seeds that will make your life beautifully ‘you’.



SHOULD, TRY & MAYBE

"I should be listening to him more. I’ll try to control my temper. I shouldn’t yell. Maybe I’ll say no to her next time." 


Saying these words is like dousing the flame of your intention before it even gets crackling. There’s no clear commitment so your system isn’t going to put any resources into what you’re talking about. Are you in or out? 



ALWAYS/ NEVER

These are such powerful words in our subconscious mind. They put boxes around our relationships. They are absolutes and, while our minds love absolutes, they almost completely close off the flow of other possibilities. And they're not true.


"Our conversations always end in angry stand-offs. He’s never reliable. I’m never patient with her."

  • Where are ‘never’ and ‘always’ getting in the way of your growth as a parent?

  • What motivates these absolutes?

  • Does always/never allow you to avoid doing something difficult or feeling a particular emotion?

  • Do these absolutes give you permission to stay in your current pattern?

  • In what ways does this make you feel safe, included or loved?

 


CONDITIONAL LOOPS

Ah, yes, the escape hatch. How naturally our mind creates the conditions that keep us from changing and growing…


When he apologizes, I’ll say what needs to be said.

I can only ask her if she’s not yelling.

As long as I stay on high alert, my kids will be safe.

If I anticipate what others will need, then we can avoid the drama.

When I clear the decks and make sure everyone else is well and content, then I can attend to myself without looking selfish.


How might you be excusing yourself from taking action when some other condition isn’t being met?



I DON’T KNOW HOW

Here's a way of speaking I can fall into: saying I don’t know how to do something and then letting myself off the hook. For example, a few weeks ago, I was saying, “I don’t know how to talk to my son about that,” followed by oh well, I’ll think about it later…


When I caught myself, I asked: “I wonder how I will talk to him about that?” There are two parts here: 1) I can do this and 2) I don’t know yet exactly how I will do it. Open to what’s next and energy and resources are directed toward the achievement of the task.


And then allow for the learning. Parenting is a long journey and we will be learning the whole way. Let’s be self-compassionate and have faith in our growth and evolution.


I don’t understand his viewpoint yet.

I’m practicing being patient with her.

We’re learning to talk about uncomfortable topics.


When you acknowledge that you’re learning, your mind continues to process the information and the seeds of your understanding are germinating on the path ahead of you -  you will understand at some point, those flowers will blossom. 




The Magic Word


I’ve often been happily mesmerized by magicians and their expression of certainty as they say Abracadabra with a great flourish. I love that moment of anticipation waiting for the item to appear from under the handkerchief.


Abracadabra is from the Aramaic phrase, avra kehdabra, meaning “I will create as I speak”.


Let that sink in.

You will create as you speak.

You create it as you say it.

You are creating reality by saying your words.

And, as I’ve said before, you are creating yourself as a parent every day.


What are you speaking into being?


Is your language forming the foundation of what you want for yourself and your relationship with your kids?


Personal evolution asks us to speak the language of possibility, as does our collective human evolution. Our words invite our deepest desires into existence. As you envision yourself as a more calmly and deeply connected parent, you can facilitate that change by using words that invite and allow for it - words that correlate with your future self.



Bringing it to the Present Moment


What I’ve come to know, guiding parents through personal transformations, is that their new way of parenting isn’t so much newly created as newly emerged. What they were longing to be able to do was already within them and coaching brought it to the surface.


What supports this is shifting your language from the future into the present, especially in your inner dialogue, to call forth what lies just below the surface.


‘I’ve got to stop yelling’ becomes ‘I am choosing the volume of my voice right now’.


‘I’ll try to control my temper next time’ becomes ‘I am breathing in this moment as I feel anger rising in me.’


‘I should listen to him more’ becomes ‘I am listening to him right now.’


Speak in the present because our relationships with our kids are built in the present moment.


Abracadabra, dear parent. May your words express your true essence and your deep love.



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Photo by Andrew Hall on Unsplash

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Lori K Walters

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