How NOT to Ask Your Teenager Questions

OK, let’s have a show of hands: Who has asked their teenager how their day was and gotten nothing, maybe a mumbled “ok” or a shrug before they disappeared to their room?

Hmm, all of us.

Ok, next question: Who stood there feeling hurt, disappointed, annoyed or rejected? Inner voices saying something like, " Wow, you can’t even be civil?... They really don’t want anything to do with me anymore... C’mon, I’m trying, give me a break... I don’t deserve to be treated like this... Don’t they love me anymore?...  What a rude little jerk... What am I doing wrong?... Fine, I won’t ask you anything..." 

But wait.

Questions can be a powerful connector for you and your big kid. And a good question asked at an opportune time can open a window into their way of seeing the world.

Some kinds of questions make your teen feel like they’re being pumped for information and so they shut down. Others, tell them that their thoughts and experiences matter to you and you offer a bridge they can cross.

Being asked questions helps them build their emotional intelligence and self-awareness. When you ask, “What do you think made you feel that way?” or “What told you that you were being deceived?”, you're helping them connect their experiences to their emotions. And, over time, a kid who regularly hears “Tell me more about that” learns to reflect, articulate and eventually regulate their emotional experiences. That's a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Your questions can also support their critical thinking skills. When you ask your child “What do you think might happen if…?” or “How else could we solve this?” you're inviting them to consider consequences, explore alternatives and develop the problem-solving skills you definitely want them to have.

Most importantly, your questions show them that you value their thoughts and opinions. When you ask, “What do you think about that?” and “What’s most important to you in that?” and truly listen to the answer, you're telling them that their voice is important. And you're building the self-confidence they'll carry with them throughout their lives.

Where We Go Wrong

It’s really hard to ask calm, thoughtful questions when you’re running late and they don’t know where their soccer cleats are. Or when you finally get a little 1-to-1 time with them and you feel like there’s a million things you have to cover.

In the day-to-day flurry, here are some of the mistakes we make:

1  Asking too many questions at once.

“How was school? Did you eat lunch? Do you have homework? What time is your soccer practice?” puts extra pressure on your teenager. Slow down and give them time to process one by one.

2  Asking closed questions.

If you ask a question that invites only a yes or no answer, don’t be disappointed when you get that one word. Change “Do you think you should call him?” to “What do you want him to know about how you feel?”

3  Bad timing.

Bringing up important or sensitive topics when you feel ready, but your teenager is tired, hungry, withdrawn or tense rarely leads to meaningful connection. Tune into their energy and choose times when they are more relaxed and undistracted, like during a car ride or after they've had time to decompress after school or work.

4  Asking in a way that dismisses their emotions.

Replace “What’s the big deal?” with "It sounds like this is upsetting” and wait to see if they want to tell you about it.

5  Asking why.

“Why did you do that?” or “Why didn't you speak up?” makes them feel like they’re being tested, and that instantly puts them on the defensive. A question should feel like an invitation to exploration, “How were you feeling when that came up?”

6  Focusing on problems.

This often happens when you finally get a little time together and there are twelve things you’ve been wanting to raise.  But if your inquiries are always about problems, you send a message that conversations only happen when something is wrong. Check if you are focusing equally on their wins and interests too. Here's what I'm asking these days: “What's the trick to baking with gluten-free flour? and What are the different ways of tinting your car windows?"

Questions Don’t Have to Accomplish Anything

What about conversation for the sake of simply sharing a conversation? Not every question has accomplish something, clarify something or teach something to your teenager or young adult.

Ask questions that simply open a door and be curious about where they may lead... if anywhere.

Journaling Prompts for Moms

Asking teenagers questions isn’t about getting intel; it’s about making a connection between your minds, hearts and souls. To be able to do this well, I invite you to explore:

~  What exactly am I tuning into when assessing if this is a good moment to ask?

~  What do I need to do so that I stay focused and listen more than I talk?

~  If they answer with a shrug or only six words, what assumptions might I make , how would those assumptions make me react and what do I want to do instead?

~  What will tell me that I’ve come up against one of their boundaries and how will I stop myself from feeling hurt or angry?

~  If they tell me something that’s hard for me to hear, what will I draw upon to be able to stay with it? 

The most important part isn't the question itself - it's the quality of your presence. When you show that their experiences matter to you, you're building something that goes far beyond a single exchange: their trust in you as someone they can actually talk to, their self-reflection, their awareness of their own opinions and values, and, most importantly, their ability to listen deeply to others.