Perhaps you know this scenario. Your teenager’s bedroom door is usually closed and, when they emerge, they're almost always wearing headphones and any conversation is brief and choppy. The chasm you feel between you two has you pressuring yourself to make conversation.
So, you try different strategies – asking about their day, knowing enough about their music or shows to have something intelligent to say, placing yourself hopefully in the living room and, well, trying not to sound like you’re trying so hard.
Most parents of teens have experienced this kind of anguish, tying themselves in knots to spark some communication – something, anything. We suffer through the silences not knowing what to do.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Here are 4 things you can do to stay centered when you feel like your teenager is shutting you out:
Check Your Story
It’s easy to jump to the conclusion, “If my teen isn’t sharing, there must be something wrong.” Your brain scans for danger (that’s its job) and, when information is missing, it fills in the blanks with plausible guesses.
But that’s the thing – they’re just guesses.
When you’re assuming that your teen’s silence means the worst, it changes your state of being. Your system shifts resources to your body (tensing muscles, raising heart rate) and away from your brain where, ahem, you might have been able to remember how unlikely the guesses are. Sigh.
When the imaginary story, the guess, puts you in this unresourceful state, your next move probably isn’t going to be your best. You’re going to press them to engage with you, which forces most teens into retreat, perhaps locking a door that wasn’t previously locked.
Of course, you tell yourself you’re just going to ask casually, ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ but even that is labelling their behaviour as negative. Click, locked door.
When you stop a minute and recognize the stories that your mind is creating, you remember that your child’s silence doesn’t mean anything is "wrong". And although some part of you is waving warning flags, there isn't necessarily danger to your relationship.
Silence doesn’t mean they don’t trust you. Silence doesn’t mean they don't love you or want you nearby. Those are just guesses so treat them as such.
Feeling Excluded
One of the toughest things about kids not talking to you is feeling excluded from their life. You may say, “It’s ok. I understand. I can wait” while, inside, you feel rejected and hurt.
Let’s consider that feeling, remembering that this is your own experience, not something someone is doing to you.
Many adults came through childhood without a firmly integrated understanding that they are fully included and accepted in the world and so their sense of belonging can sometimes feel tenuous. If your kid isn’t talking to you and you feel shut out, it may trigger an urge to “earn” that feeling of inclusion.
From what I’ve learned as a parenting coach, supporting parents through this exact issue, here’s how I think it works:
A.
If you grew up in a family environment where acceptance and attention were heaped on those with special skills or accomplishments, your 5-year-old self might have concluded, quite naturally, that these are things you have to earn by working hard and/or achieving something remarkable. If so, as an adult, you might find it difficult to relax and enjoy the present moment because you’re thinking about what next project or feat you could undertake to earn acceptance.
If your teen isn’t talking with you, you might catch yourself doing extra things, secretly hoping it’ll gain their appreciation, or accomplishing something special that forces them to pay attention to you.
B.
Alternatively, you may have come from a family that was hooked on drama and you got extra attention when you were emotionally intense or when you showed exceptional beauty or talent. Five-year-old you might have concluded that this was how to ensure being included and accepted. “If I don’t scream or present myself in an extra special way, I won't get noticed.” And so, you developed a habit of intensifying your emotions or presenting yourself in the spotlight.
Now, when your young adult child is refusing to engage in conversation with you and you feel excluded, you might, quite subconsciously, fall into this pattern again, having a tantrum, pleading, collapsing or making yourself particularly noticeable through your appearance or talents.
C.
You're pretty sure you’re going to be excluded so your auto-pilot strategy is to exclude yourself first. You, metaphorically or literally, leave the party early. Regarding your silent teenager, you might be telling yourself, “They really don’t want me in their life. Why bother?” or subconsciously avoiding them to escape the possibility of feeling shut out again.
Breaking the Cycle
The freedom from these patterns starts with catching yourself saying things like, "I am excluded. What am I even doing here? My kid never talks. They don’t want to connect with me anymore.” You can also watch for impulses to try to ‘make’ your child give you attention and include you in their world.
When you catch yourself in the act, be self-compassionate and acknowledge the intelligence of the strategy that supported you at that stage of your life.
And now, as an adult, switch your mindset and go on the assumption that you are included. You are loved and accepted by your big kid, even if they can’t express it right now. You’re loved and accepted by others. Give yourself love and acceptance. You’re ok.
Welcoming Silence
I’m a big fan of silence (my kids can’t believe I can clean the house or drive for hours without music). But, in this super-stimulating world, silence can feel unfamiliar and it takes practice to get comfortable with it. It requires spending time outside your comfort zone, falling back into your outdated ‘tired and true’, building your self-awareness and venturing out again, maybe a little longer or in a different situation, gradually building a new way of being with silence.
Here are some questions to reflect upon:
In what ways does silence make you uncomfortable? When you’re alone? When with others?
What thoughts creep in? Are they guesses or true?
Maybe silence is what your teen needs from you right now. They’re already processing so much emotional and relational information so maybe they don’t have the capacity to absorb more. They need the quiet.Maybe your kid is more introverted than you thought. Not all teens are talkers; some need to process emotions, experiences and information internally. Maybe this is what works best for them these days (and has nothing to do with you).
In the meantime, you can develop your relationship with silence.
What can you do to become 1% more comfortable with periods of little or no communication with your young adult? What do you need to trust to allow the silences?
What conclusions are you most likely to jump to and how might you notice when you’re doing it?
If you stopped calling silences awkward, troublesome or cautionary, how else might you regard them? Do they hold warmth, healing, possibility or something else?
What would it take for you to say (and mean) something like, “I understand if you don’t want to share. I love you either way. Sometimes silence feels better”? How might this normalize silent car rides or take the pressure off your kid?
In what ways can you hold space for your relationship with your young adult child without expecting it to be filled or even acknowledged?
I fervently hope that the next generation will know, deep within themselves, that they are accepted in this world however they do "them". May your ability to be in silence with your big kid convey your love and acceptance, build a new kind of bond and reinforce their sense of belonging.
With you on the journey,
Lori
Photo by Sergey Pesterev on Unsplash