Your young adult child is gradually moving out into the world on their own. Of course, you have fears. How could you watch the news and not worry about what's in store for them? How could you see rental rates rising daily and not worry if good housing will be attainable? How could you witness the growing social inequalities and unrest and not feel afraid about the dangers they’re surrounded by? As a parenting coach, I know you're scared. Of course, you are. And yet, it sometimes seems that parents are expected to pretend they're unafraid. But I think you should be encouraged to admit your fears about your kids finding their way in this shifting world. And supported to feel this deep discomfort. And given practical ways to tolerate and accept the uncertainty. Our kids need to navigate this landscape and they need us to be real about it. As you read this, I invite you to check in with yourself for a moment:
In what ways, if any, are you denying or diminishing your fears about their future?
How do carry yourself when you depreciate your fear?
What does it feel like in your heart?
How does it affect your interactions with your kids?
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When I allow myself to feel, honestly and deeply, into the future and my kids' place in it, I'm afraid. Pure and simple. My stomach lurches, my heart rushes and my legs wobble. My mind is busy imagining worst-case scenarios and/or devising strategies (alternating between ploughing a path for them and gathering them under my wings to keep them safe). I feel uneasy and unstable.
As someone who grew up believing that emotions were generally unsafe, this unstable feeling is where the old Me would automatically stop, deny any fear and return to calmer waters.
That was then.
Now I’m much better at experiencing my emotions. Notice I don’t say “process my emotions,” which encourages repeating and analyzing. What I know is that when I allow the energy of my emotions to move through me, my thoughts are organically and effortlessly changed. I don’t have to rehash all my thoughts. Instead, my feelings flow and activate my inner guidance. I'm shown where to place my attention and what step to take next - a guided step instead of a reactive one.
So, clearing your reactivity comes first. Some gentle breaths to relax your vagus nerve and bring you into yourself right here and now. It might call for a bit of stretching or bouncing, maybe some water. What’s your way of clearing your initial, automatic reaction?
The next step is acknowledging the emotion. You don’t have to rework it, categorize, justify or judge; just affirm that the feeling exists. When I say out loud what scares me about their future, it allows my fear to exist, instead of being stuffed down, supposedly for my own comfort, or masked, supposedly for theirs.
Here’s one way to do this.
Take a gentle breath and say out loud,
"How I feel in my body right now is… "
Trust the first answer that comes to you.
Then exhale it, making a sound.
"When I think about their future, I feel… "
Then exhale it.
"When I think about how it will affect them, I feel… "
Then exhale it.
Emotion is energy in motion, moving through your body. Your scenarios and strategies dissolve. The energy of your fear is transformed into breath and released back into the atmosphere, molecule by molecule.
And with that release, there’s room to take in nourishment.
So, open yourself to receive. Make more space between your vertebrae. Expand your ribcage. Go for more than a fly-by, more than fake-it-til-you-make-it. Really take in the energy, absorb light, receive wisdom, blessing... be replenished.
Say it out loud. “I allow bravery” or “I receive peace.” You don’t have to describe it to the universe or ask for it. It’s already there for you.
For me, when I go ahead and allow feelings to flow through me, I reach a stable state. I recognize it when my belly is soft, my neck is loose and there is a lightness around my sternum.
What’s your best word for this state?
What does that state of being feel like in your body?
Describe the energy around you.
How do you know when you’re calm and ready to proceed wisely?
These are fundamental questions to support you to cultivate peace in your parenting. The answers are found through self-observation and practice, something we are all capable of. Learn what grounding is for you and how you can access/ return to that state when something throws you off.
Experience your feelings and THEN respond. Because when you allow the fears and return to your calm center, you will absolutely know what to say or do next.
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My son recently texted me that he’d need to find a new place to live in the next 12 days and I was afraid. Not that he’d end up on a park bench, but about the anxiety it would cause him. If I had responded immediately, it would have been in ways that weren’t completely true to myself, nor constructive to our relationship. But I remembered to breathe, loosen my neck and feel the fear as it rose, peaked and dispersed. It took about 8 seconds. Then fresh light flowed into me and opened up a more space within me. This is such a creative space because, when we are grounded and connected to our inner guidance, then we are also more connected to the Creative forces of the universe. And then so much more is possible. I invite you to consider,
What becomes possible for you when you experience your emotions before responding?
How can this help you provide your kids with adult navigational skills without taking it personally that they need to find themselves separately from you?
How might it shift your way of communicating with somebody who, at times, doesn't want to communicate with you? Or when you feel unappreciated or disrespected?
How would this approach affect your ability to have the impact you desire?
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Our emotions take us on wild rides AND bring us invaluable messages. They ask us to notice and observe ourselves. They invite us to set down our guard and receive nourishment. And to step into co-creation with the universe. Watching your kids go out into the world is scary. Period. So, let’s learn to be with our fear. Let it course through your veins, rattle your bones and muddle your head as it bestows its gifts upon you.
Feel your fear and allow its intelligence to land in you.
Let it confirm that you can trust what you know inside.
Allow it to show you your strength and confidence and all that you bring to parenting.
Let it remind you that the universe is abundant and loving, that it’s got you - and your kids.
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