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Lori K Walters

My teenager pushed and pushed me… until I did this.

Moon rise into a turquoise sky over orange and brown mountains

In my twenties, I lived on a communal organic sheep farm where we used electric fences to keep the woolly ones grazing on the right pastures. I was careful about never touching the wires, of course, but one evening, I accidently brushed my arm against the fence... I was shocked, both literally and figuratively. And I felt a jolt through my forearm that I’ll never forget.


When my kids became teens, I felt something very similar to that electric shock when my youngest would push and push and push me for something. I’m not kidding, I felt a zap through my whole body.


You see, I’m not great at making spur-of-the-moment decisions. I prefer to consider all the angles and the cascading effects on everyone. I want time to connect inward and get to my answer.


But parenting young adults doesn’t provide such time and space, does it?


My daughter would ask permission to do something and, while I tried to decide, she’d ask repeatedly, present reasons, change the pitch of her voice, make promises…


My system, trying to consider all the factors and make a wise decision, felt like it was under attack. My muscles tensed and braced against the electric jolt. My brain went foggy and then I couldn’t make any decision that felt right. That is, as energy flowed from my brain to fortify my physical defenses, I was left doubting my ability to decide, if I had any good reasons, if I knew anything about parenting...


It was a frustrating dilemma. If I said no when my teenager pushed, I immediately questioned my decision, worried I hadn’t given it fair consideration and regretted shutting down her plans. Or if I said yes, I’d later feel mad at myself for ignoring my instincts, not sticking to my values and teaching her... well, something. Talk about a lose-lose situation.


And the more it happened, the more it happened, if you know what I mean. This kid’s brain concluded that pushing was worth the effort because, at least some of the time, it got the desired result. Makes sense, right?


This recurring dynamic left me in a state of regret, self-doubt and, to be honest, resentment toward my kid. Even though it was normal adolescent boundary-testing behaviour, there was part of me that felt it was being done on purpose to fluster me and force me into betraying myself.


What about you? Have you ever come to similar conclusions? Have you taken their behaviour personally? Have you thought they’re being manipulative, disrespectful or devious? Did you think they were deliberately triggering you?



But people don’t trigger us. Let’s get that straight – they don’t do it to us.


Words trigger us. Situations trigger us. And to be even more precise, our instant conclusions about those words and situations set our automatic reactions (triggers) into motion.


It wasn’t that my daughter was repeatedly asking to go to her friend’s house; it was MY brain having a hard time making quick decisions. Neither she nor her requests were attacking me; it was MY body going into defense-mode and shutting down my ability to reason. She wasn’t forcing me; MY system felt that it was being robbed of the time it wanted to come up with the perfect answer.


What was up were MY internal fears that I’d make the wrong decision, endanger my child, be seen as an irresponsible parent and feel like a screw-up again.


 It was me, not her.



And when I understood that, I knew what to do.


Here’s what I said: “When you push me for an answer, I get agitated and it’s hard to think. I need a minute to check my gut. If I don't have that time, the answer will automatically be no.”


And that solved it…


Ha ha, just kidding. It was an adjustment for both of us. It took time and tears to develop a new way of doing it...


Of course, she tested me on it, as teenagers must but, once she realized that I was sticking to this guideline, she learned how to ask and wait. At the same time, I was learning how to use that 30-second space to move past my fears (that's another story), sink my attention down to my gut (also a long story) and find my true, trustable answer. And gradually, she came to see that, if the answer was no, it had been duly considered.


Together, over several months, we learned how to navigate these moments in a way that left us both feeling ok. And that was a big relief.




Your Turn

1.  In what type of situation do you feel pushed by your kid? ______



2.  When you feel that push, what’s happening internally? Perhaps you can sense yourself closing inward and bracing for the attack. Or loading your weapons and coming out fighting. Or crumbling into broken pieces. Or feeling you've got no heart for confrontation and ready to lay down your convictions. Describe what happens within you right in those moments. ______



3.  Then how do you usually react? What would you see on the replay video? What do you actually say and do? ______



4.  Taking a closer look, what does this action ensure for your egooic self or allow it to avoid? I mean, what feeling or belief underlies it?


For example, perhaps ‘laying down the law’ lets you feel like you’re in control, ensuring respect or not shirking the hard parts of parenting. Perhaps acquiescing lets you feel that your teen still likes you. Or maybe, betraying your values is a way of reconfirming your sneaking suspicion that you’re just not a good mother.


Go gently with yourself here. This truth lives in a tender place within you. Be brave and dig a little deeper. When you see it, even if it's not pretty, name it. ______ 


That’s something worth knowing, dear one. There’s no call to be angry with yourself or ashamed. Appreciate your insights and allow them to inform your next step.


When you think about your answer to No. 4, when you hold it in your heart, when you breathe it in and out on your hike or yoga mat, when you take it to your altar, what need in you is that trying to meet? ______


With that knowing, and giving yourself grace, consider how you might attend to that need in a different way. 


Recognizing when it’s us, not them, is key to building connected relationships with our young adults. 


May we walk with like that with them, making our own internal adjustments, so that they can feel us beside them in very good ways as they take the reins of their beautiful, challenging, unique, precious life.




If you’d like to read more like this directly in your inbox, head HERE to subscribe to my Sunday Letter to Parents.


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